I wonder what you’re like When there’s nothing to celebrate I wonder what you’re like In the mornings before your big day
You won’t see my smile Or the laugh I have when I’m tired You won’t feel my skin After I’ve spent a day in the sun
I can spend my time Wondering what it would have been Or I’ll tell myself gently Farewell, my almost lover.
I saw her in a brief moment riding the train, A book in her hand, what beautiful eyes.
We went to the movies, but I watched your laugh, Delicate lips, what beautiful eyes.
The long ivory dress slipped across your hips, Flowers in your hair, what beautiful eyes.
A bump on your stomach, I kissed our baby, She has your eyes, what beautiful eyes.
We walk a little slower, but I won’t leave your hand, Your eyes haven’t changed, what beautiful eyes.
1/23/2006: I’m so sick of this town. I can’t wait to get out. Can’t even get a decent movie theater here that doesn’t cancel movies!!
8/12/2006: Jack and I had the best time at DQ! Chocolate oreo m&m blizzard. We hung out with Mason and Luke at the skatepark. Mom says I can go back tomorrow after she’s home from work!
3/7/2028: Out for drinks at the pub tonight. Packed house. Billy brought his new girl. Presentation with the management team I’ve gotta be in early for tomorrow am.
4/16/2008: Becca sat next to me in science today. She smells so good. Like flowers. She’s sooooo pretty. Mason thinks I have a chance!!!
3/26/2028: Verbal promotion today. Gym after work. Called mom on the way home. Sis found out its a girl.
4/11/2028: Second date with Alice. She seems fine. Social worker at Mount Sinai. Potentially too far left?? TBD.
7/4/2009: On the lake with mom, dad, sis, Mason, and Henry. Backflips off the pontoon all day!! Chips and fishes, hahahaa
12/23/2029: Heading back to PA. Not sure how to act around mom. Sis says she joined a widow’s group last week. Haven’t told her Steph isn’t coming.
My first kiss as your wife, take-off for life Our first home, and our trip to Rome It all started so high.
We moved to LA, for your role that paid You made friends, and I did the shopping The descent began.
Late nights at your desk, I slept restless Mornings alone, Easter at home Seatbacks upright.
A baby in the Fall, to fix our misfalls Less love, and definitely less sleep Grab your oxygen mask.
You take her to soccer, I’ll do ballet, We’ll talk, maybe in passing. Prepare for crash landing.
On my first night alone, my shoulders relaxed. On my sexond night, I saw it wasn’t so bad. You say it’s my fault you’re sleeping at your dad’s, But really I couldn’t care less.
Before you left, I tip-toed on glass, Couldn’t be too loud, or I’d wake your wrath, Or too quiet, or you’d call me a dork.
Now I’m sleeping on clouds through the night So thank you, Alicia, for the scars, And of course, what you wanted to hear:
I apologize
For not leaving sooner!
Dinner by candlelight, I wore my best dress You bought me roses, In your grey suit.
It was our first time Without the baby When you told me You had something to say.
She was a mistake, Not anyone I knew A woman you met A few months ago.
Now these roses Are hidden away Behind the jars of Soft pears and milk.
Its been three weeks And I haven’t said If I’ve chosen to leave Or stay for us.
I think if I let those roses sit I won’t have to pick If its you or me.
I’ve been thinking about leaving him for some time now. We were young when we met, and we loved too quickly and deeply. Now our lives are intertwined. His likes are my likes, and I can’t seem to breathe without him.
I’ve practiced a few steps without him, but I feel like a baby learning to walk again, except I’m 31. As soon as I’m ready to fly, I’ll be out the door.
Where to go, that will be my problem. He found success in his life, and I’ve watched him grow. I’m left in the dust of dreams that could have been mine if I hadn’t spent so much time following his.
I still love him, and I’m not sure when that will end. I’ll still want to know why he’s cut his hair, or what he’ll have for breakfast, when I’m not there. I hope one day I won’t even think of his name.
They say when you take your first steps, you walk towards things you love the most. Your big brother, the toys he will finally share, or maybe the family dog who has been part of your world since the day you were born.
What we miss, though, is who was behind us, with her dimpled cheeks and brown eyes. The woman who taught us to walk and let go at the perfect time, all while letting a part of her motherhood die that she will never get back. She would smile patiently back, proud of my steps and comfort my falls. She always chose me, above herself, with a love so selfless that I’ll only dream of finding elsewhere.
