Did I go to far today? When she asked for my help I gave it What did she want me to say? She didn’t disagree he is a bad fit

I told her the truth He isn’t good for her at all It didn’t take a professional sleuth It isn’t her fault sometimes you just fall

Yes, I told her to run Away from him is the best place She said she is done Gracious the look on her face!

Did I break her heart? A sister tries to protect I should have told her from the start Is it them or us this conversation affects?

Did I cross a line? Are we still fine?

He couldn’t be serious…

I could think of anyone; ANYONE better than Jason. The same stupid jerkface that hung around with my brother when they were thirteen. The same one who would mastermind crashing my slumber parties when I was ten. And the same ass who was my best friend’s first crush and then crushed her dreams when he laughed at her poor attempt at pouring her heart out to him.

His shoulders are broader and his facial hair now fully grown in enough to trim down, and his voice…his deep voice is steady and confident….BUT those are the same boyish dimples and same sky blue eyes that used to flash with mischief fifteen years ago.

It’s just the same old Jason…and I’ll just keep thinking of him like that while I catch my breath and regain strength in my knees.

I shiver as I draw my sweater closer around my shoulders. It’s a warm night, but is it really? All these months I thought I knew him. I thought I knew myself. It turns out to be an illusion of what I wanted. I find myself walking faster down the sidewalk. The nighttime sprinklers kick on and part of the access water finds its way into the cracks of the concrete. Kind of like how Tommy filled in the loneliness of my sophomore year in college. He didn’t ask me out because he was attracted to me, but because I was the easiest target; the lowest among our peers. He rushed toward me because I was on a downward slope. He flooded me with all of these ideas and I never even thought to question him. He was the love of my life. My soulmate. My master. My manipulator. How could I have been such a fool? “Kitten! Wait!” I can hear his sneakers pounding behind me. “That is not my name,” I say in a voice that quivers with weakness. “Aww Kitten, don’t be this way…” He’s right behind me now. I can smell the ax body spray. “That is not my name.” This time there’s a little grit in my answer. “You never liked your name, remember? You chose to be called Kitten. I’m only trying to help you find your true self. You’re letting yourself get worked up over nothing. I never thought you were dramatic…” “Stop! Just stop with the mind games!” Now my tone verges of the brink of begging. I want him to just leave me alone. Let me sort though this with a clear mind…a mind that is no longer clouded by passion and longing. An awake mind, aware of the gaslighting and manipulation techniques that have held me captive for so long. “You’re making a mistake.” His friendliness is gone, replaced by the cold and calculating devil that has been hiding under the surface all along. “You are throwing away your life and breaking apart our union. Oaths are not to be broken so easily.” I shiver again, “You are not allowed to be intimate with an unbeliever…consider me one now…good bye, Tommy.”

My muscles quiver and my shoulders burn. Just one more crest and then I’ll make it. I’ll make it this time. My breath clouds out in front of me. The wind is relentless. I’ll make it this time. Carefully I stretch my foot out to the next crevice, gritting my teeth and holding my breath as I try to hook my toe——

I’m sliding! I’m falling!

My desperate fingers snag a hand hold. I dangle for a moment before securing myself again. I look around and find myself in the same place I’d climbed past three weeks prior.

My heart sinks.

How could I have slid so far so fast?

How could I have lost so much ground?

Tears of frustration sting my eyes and blur my vision.

It’s all so unfair!

I was so close!

I cling to the side of the unfeeling rock and take several deep breaths to slow my racing mind. The thought of giving up once again crosses my mind.

Why am I doing this?

Why am I trying so hard?

Eventually I’ll have to slide back down into either the same valley I just left or to the other one on the other side. I cannot live on the mountain top forever. I know the statistics and the percentages of making it.

I look down.

The shadows of the valley below me appear deep and dark. I’ve lived among them for almost a year, undergoing painful steps and wishing for the moment I’m in right now.

I look up.

I’m so close.

I’ve come so far.

Even if I lost three weeks, it’s taken me so much longer to get where I am.

I can’t give up now.

Not when I’m so close.

I press my chapped, pale lips together in determination.

I will make it to the top.

I will not give up.

No matter the slip ups.

No matter the hardships.

I can do this, even if I have to start from the bottom again.

Again.

I’ve climbed to the top of other mountains before.

This will be no different——

“Ms. Johnson?”

I look up as the door to the little room opens and the doctor walks back in. He no longer has the grim expression on his face. In fact he appears relieved, almost slumping in his posture. Such a drastic change from the rigid stance he had only and hour prior.

“Yes? Has it …” I shiver and rub at my cold arms.

These medical gowns are always so paper thin and this office is always freezing.

I take a deep breath. “Is it back?

The doctor smiles, his thin lips parting to reveal snowy white teeth.

“There’s been a mistake. Our machine had a smudge on the…never mind it doesn’t matter…what matters is that it’s still gone…the cancer has not returned. You are still in remission.”

I gasp.

The cold suddenly seems to disappear and I feel the warmth of hope shining down through the thick clouds.

I breathe.

I smile.

I made it.

I know at any moment I might slip down the other side, but for right now I’m going to enjoy the view.

Foot steps echo down the darkened hallway. Trevor ducks around the corner, pulling me with him. He places a finger in front of his lips to encourage my silence. My heart pounds hard inside my chest. Moments later two guards go tramping past. Dressed in tactical black, with a belt full of weapons and rifles swung across their backs. Neither of us take a deep breath until they turn the next corner. “Why so many tonight?” I whisper. “You haven’t heard? A drone was spotted flying over this morning.” “A drone? Like a spy drone?” Trevor shrugs. “Who knows and who cares…if the government does finally discover this place maybe we can actually go out on a real date, instead of trying to slip out just to get fifteen minutes of privacy. “You don’t really mean that…” my voice trails off as his blue eyes take on a hardened expression. “Do you? You hate it here that much?” “What’s the difference between following rules and following laws? All restrict freedom and keep us under someone else’s thumb.” I study his face in the dim light and observe how his jaw muscles move in his frustration. “So when you said we should leave this place, you actually meant it? You truly want to leave?” “Of course I do,” he snaps back in a husky voice. “Then why don’t you?” I ask bluntly. “Just pack up and tell everyone you’re finished here. You’ll be eighteen in another month.” Trevor snorts a sarcastic laugh. “It’s not that simple. This fortress stands within plain sight, yet has remained undetected for over 75 years simply because this community stays silent. No one leaves except the elders for supplies and they don’t permit anyone our age to venture too far.” I press my lips processing this new understanding. Growing up behind these stone walls I always saw them as a protection against outside forces, not a prison to hold us against our will. Maybe Trevor was right though…maybe our mighty fortress was actually more like an inescapable prison and instead of keeping us safe those guards were just holding us within. I shutter as a cricket drops from one of the crevices in the wall. “Will you come with me?” He asks suddenly, dispersing my thoughts. “To where?” I ask timidly. “To anywhere but here…” “No. Not tonight anyway.” “Tomorrow?” He asks hopefully. I place my hand inside of his. “Perhaps tomorrow.”

Friendship is cheap and abundant Loyalty is rich and rare.

Friendship is a loose name Thrown out to simple acquaintances and colleagues Loyalty is the true gain We all crave a partner when life fatigues.

A friend or a brother? Which one takes more of a priority? What about a true lover? Blood doesn’t matter when it comes to loyalty.

Do you trust a crowd more? One loyal friend is worth twenty of them. My secrets behind doors. Willing to go out on someone else’s limb.

Friendship is cheap and abundant Loyalty is rich and rare.

My hand trembles as I carry the pitcher of ice water from table to table. I stop to refill the glass of an elderly woman, but my attention is focused on the position of Miss Gibbs only a table away from my parents. This fundraiser and auction is four hours long. It will be a true miracle if my teachers makes it through the banquet without noticing my parents.

“Ugh! Mind what you’re doing!”

I startle from the woman’s screeching protests and realize I’ve spilled water all across the green and red decorative table cloth and onto her royal blue gown.

“S-sorry!”

My apology is met with a glare. “This is why they shouldn’t allow high school students to volunteer for such an important event!” She says critically to the gentleman to her left.

“I’ll go get you some napkins,” I say, rushing away only to collide into a senior girl from my home room class.

“Oof! Ryan! Look out!”

I quickly escape back into the kitchen and catch my friend, Eric, in the act of stealing food from a plate of appetizers.

“Try this! I think it’s crab…can you believe how fancy this place is?”

I can barely swallow the nervous lump in my throat, let alone eat anything. “Forget the food! Do you see where my parents are sitting?”

“Yeah, so?” He mumbles past his mouthful.

“Don’t you see where Miss Gibbs is sitting?”

“Wait a minute, didn’t you already tell your parents about failing Geometry? I thought they get an hard copy of your report card…and since this is your second class your failing the counselor is supposed to call.”

I reach in the pocket of my dress pants and pull out a crinkled envelope. “They’re still waiting on it…I swiped it yesterday morning from the mailbox and I’ve deleted all the messages on their voice mails from the school.”

Eric walks to the doorway and peers out across the round dining tables and well dressed elite of our community. He finds my parents’ table and follows my finger to the table of our math teacher.

“Who knew the son of heart surgeon and defense lawyer would have so much trouble passing the 10th grade…”

“Oh shut up! You’re supposed to have my back…what am I supposed to do about all this?”

Eric shakes his blond head dolefully. “I’d enjoy some of those crab cakes. It might be the last meal you get on this earth.”

I snort a sarcastic laugh. “Thanks for the great advice.

Turning the page I pick up my sword. My lack of training and small stature does not prevent me from being the chosen warrior. I can and will defeat my enemies and slay the dragon threatening the kingdom. I have a humble background, but with a salty mentor, in denial of his own greatness, I will attain the best training. He will growl and grumble but love me like the daughter he never had. I will blossom into the greatest knight in all of history—

“Excuse me…”

My glasses slip down the bridge of my nose as I startle awake from my new world. “Wha-what?”

“You ordered the small coffee, black?” An attractive waiter questions.

My heart beat pounds and I instantly close the book and flip it over, concerned about being judged for its content. “Oh! Yes! Sorry…”

“I’ve seen you here before…must be a good book. I’ve called your number for the past ten minutes.”

A blush flushes my cheeks. “Sorry…” I reach to take my coffee and avoid his eyes until his dirty sneakers disappear from view.

He seems nice. I wish I was brave enough to not be so freaking awkward. I could have told him about the book or at least strike up a conversation about the conspiracy theories behind sugary coffee creamers. No, that’s dumb. Just because he works in a coffee shop doesn’t mean he cares about coffee.

What page was I on again?

“Knighthood is no career choice for a woman!” The prince sneers.

“I need no blessing from you, Sir! I answer only to the king,” I say boldly, setting aside my sword just long enough to take a sip from my coffee cup.

First it was just here-say. A school shooting. Another one? Aren’t most schools out for the summer? Where? That’s just a few hours south isn’t it? An elementary! An elementary? Awards day? Second graders? What kind of a sick…? An elementary. Another one.

To be isolated among strangers made sense to her. How could they possibly understand her hopes, dreams, or obsessions. How and why should they care. However, she found herself more isolated amongst family. The very people who she had envisioned caring for her the most, didn’t have a clue of her inner thoughts. Instead they went about the day touching only her surface. Demanding things of her body that she repetitively begged them to stop doing. Even at night she found no rest...her husband out of reach, yet she felt crowded and smothered constantly by the hands that reached out for her. She tried embracing them, slapping them away, and then finally accepted the inevitable and giving in, turning her back to lessen the feeling. She just wished they understood that she craved space. Outward space but inward understanding. Motherhood was not what she had expected it would be. She thought the very act of holding her children would be more fulfilling. However, in the crowded isolation she found herself on a journey to her actual being. It was a journey to her soul.