It was a cold dark night when i lost the love of all loves.

Frozen fingers clutching a feeble attempt of a present for a dying woman.

What do you buy for someone who will not survive the night?

Tears frozen on eyelashes, and streaming like hot springs on a winters morning.

The frosty air biting into my lungs with each breath;

The last winter we would have together.

That year was frozen in time.

Never ending misery as i watched you decline.

Cancer’s cruel grip on a young woman’s life

Leaving no room for dancing, it stabbed like a knife.

The cold that i felt from February; the day

I heard your voice shake and the words you would say.

It felt like a nightmare because i could tell

That you were not ready to fight through this hell.

As the months kept on turning we forced out our smiles.

Our jokes and our humour in sarcastic styles.

Attempting to force warmth into cold hospital rooms

Where you were now living on chemo fumes.

That summer, though hot, i felt chilled to the bone.

I listened as you told me you wouldn’t die at home.

I sat stoically as you told me you couldn’t fight on.

Words not acceptable where sunlight shone.

Your family in desperate whimpering please.

Begging for miracles down on their knees.

But in cold dark corners we both knew the truth;

You were ready to die and your marbles weren’t loose.

I travelled to France in stifling heat

But still couldn’t warm the cold in my seat.

Watching you suffer for so very long.

Euthanasia understood - your suffering was wrong.

Heading to autumn it got colder still.

No fires or hot drinks could take from that chill.

Your body decaying in front of my eyes.

With nothing but pleasantries and good willed lies.

I knew in the winter as the nights drew in fast

That you were just waiting for deaths grip to last.

The cancer now spreading like the fires around.

It would not be long til you joined the ground.

And on New Year’s Eve; that freezing cold night.

That i went to the hospice to hug you so tight.

I left with a feeling that you would soon go.

And at 4am, a phone call would show

I was right.

You, my shining star had departed the living world.

All of us in limbo in winters sweet grip - mourning for the woman we knew.

I couldn’t feel warmth as your cremation was done,

Or in the years following. No heatwave ever permeated my heart without you by my side.

My heart had shattered with icy like shards and you my sweet one were not there to tell me it would be ok.

I have spent eight years exiled on a grief stricken land. Alone, depressed and frozen in time.

I can never forget the pain and the love - but finally i began to feel warmth - slowly at first;

Until

Finally

The chill stopped