December 29th…

When I woke up, the sun was already setting.

I have a bad habit of destroying my sleep schedule any time I’m depressed. Plus, I rarely have anywhere I need to be. There’s no sense of urgency in my life. I don’t work a regular job, I’m estranged from my family, I don’t have any children yet. It sounds peaceful, but some days the loneliness gets the best of me.

I’ve had to make a friend out of these less than ideal experiences. I’ve turned my weaknesses into meaning because, if not, I think they might just kill me.

This weight on my shoulders is so heavy that I couldn’t even cook the Ramen noodles. I didn’t open the packet of seasoning and pour into the bag and crush it all up. I just ripped it right open and bit into the dry noodles like a chip. Bland as hell, and yet it’s all I could do to take care of myself in that moment.

I managed a shower, and I did brush out my hair, and I did sit down to read a little as if it would make me a better person.

But still, no one wants to be around me.

And it’s my fault.

I can blame it on my mental health, but I’m the one who pushed everyone away. I’m so used to the pain of being lonely that it’s uncomfortable to be anything else. But then Christmas comes, and New Year’s comes, another year of my birthday comes, and then summer time, and visiting the beach alone.

All I have is my things and whatever sanity is left over.

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m holding on for.

Sometimes I think I might be happier if I have a baby. Like, maybe if I procreate my life might mean something.

At least I brushed my teeth today. At least I tidied my room. At least I stayed mostly sober, except for that weed I’ve been staring down for the last 45 minutes with tears streaming down my face. I think I’m about to give in to miss Mary Jane.

I could text my plug right now, I could ask him for Xanax and be out like a light within the hour. But then I’ll wake up in the darkness again, and nothing will have changed, and no one would even know I was high.

Today, loneliness is the one who sits beside me and holds my hand.

I’ll try not to be bitter. I’ll try not to be mean to the next person who smiles at me. I’ll try not to grow older while getting none the wiser.