cold days. time feels fast, yet slow. people seem to slowly change. i’ve started realizing the small changes, or maybe changes that have always existed yet i’ve never found them so somehow strange. everyone seems to have become monotonous.

my neighbor Anna, with her strawberry blonde curls and big blue eyes, her unique sense of humor and patience is slowly turning into something i’ve never seen from her. she’s very quiet now, like the rest of everyone.

my sister, who’s always been very outgoing and uproarious. now seems to be almost silent, mundane too. only speaks when asked a question. she sits alone and will almost be lost in her thoughts, swallowed up by this void of consciousness that is overtaking everyone’s uniqueness.

my dad, he seems to have became less aware of his presence and surroundings. he’s always been creative, fun, full of the life he is living in. but now he stays silent, his words an empty estimated echoe i long for.

i’ve noticed many people turn to this silence, they aren’t innocuous. but, it feels as if i’m just surrounded by the same person. and soon, i may become this shadow as they are.

one person, yet, many. slowly, morfing into the same loss of personality, and dissimulation. are we all becoming the same, or are we similar?

the burning fire stood ahead of us. heat glazed at my face, making me choke out a cough.

I for myself never wanted or thought this would happen.

it was an hour earlier the smell of smoke hit my nose, i felt the smell travel closer and closer. i ran to my door pleading to find out what was going on. my door was shut and unable to open due to it swelling, i was banging and yelling trying to force it open. i didnt ever have windows at the time, my parents didn’t think of this happening 20 years ago when they bought this shabby home that’s now burnt to flames.

i saw flames outside my door, i was yelling and screaming for someone, anyone, to come help me. i was pleading, screaming till my voice was cracking.

my heart in my throat, i was slamming against my old wooden door. thoughts passed through my head as fast as the growing flames outside my door.

a chair sat by my desk and my first instinct was to get it. a non verbal command streaked my mind “get out” “you have to get out”. i picked up the chair and pushed it into the door. it wasn’t working. i tried again, and again. my face glistened with hot sweat of panic and terror. gasps of frustration and fear slipped out of me, i kept thinking of how i may not get out. which that thought make me slam the chair into my door even harder. my arms and body felt weak, numb, i felt as a melted ice cube unable to be as cold and strong as before. the flames grew under my door. i felt trapped, stuck, unable to get out. the more seconds that passed the worse the fire grew. i used all of my body weight and strength that i could manage, slamming the chair into my door. white paint starts chipping off more and more from the chairs rough edges striking it, time and time again. the door finally cracked open, my heart was pounding, shuddering in my chest of terror. i felt the warmth of the flames that stood ahead of me, the flames grew taller.

they painted black shadows on doors and walls. i held the chair in front of me trying to keep me from breathing all of the smoke that surrounded me. as an almost shield, yet not shielding much as the hot flames sept into my lungs. my eyes watered from the heat and fire washing in, they burned and my vision felt as weak as my body strength. i heard screams, coming from my little sisters room.

they were loud, unforgettable, screams. still engraved somewhere in my mind, they live with me. i held the chair out trying to get to my little sisters bedroom, i was praying she would be okay.

the screams slowed down, the banging became more quiet. my heart nearly was to the ground as i tried to get to her bedroom. i saw my mother scurrying down the steps. i couldn’t fully make her out through the hot flames but i saw her figure, i saw her holding my younger brother.

what about anna. “MOM!” i yelled to her coughing smoke out as the scream left my mouth. she looked back her face hot in smoke. she ran off down the fire spread steps, fear has struck me in a coat of paint, as dark and hot as the flames. my legs felt weak, my nostrils burned of the smoke that came in. the taunting orange flames were growing. my eyes teared causing my vision to be blurry, my head spinned. i kept making it through to get to anna’s room. “Anna move away i’m coming in!!” i screamed to her door backing up. i coughed loudly, it felt terrible, my lungs felt unable to work properly.

my vision was almost complete darkness now, i slammed against her door. my body slowing down getting tired, every part of me wanted to fall and give up. another time i pushed against the door with the chair, my strength and energy giving out. i tried again and again. i was coughing out hot tears and feeling sick.

the door opened finally opened. i threw the chair into the flames rushing in. anna was okay. her chesnut curls looked still intact and her lovely hazel round eyes were still there, which now were hot with tears streaming down her face. “anna, thank goodness.” i said hugging her small body. i managed the door closed right away after trying not to waste time.

anna looked scared she was shaking and crying. “okay anna, we’re going to get out through your window okay?” i told her stroking her hair.

“what about teddy?” she said looking me in the eyes. i knew she wouldn’t leave without that small teddy bear plush that sat in the living room, probably in ashes now.

“mom has him, we need to go now.” i lied, coughing. my throat burned of the smoke that i inhaled. i opened her window, and i picked her up.

“anna we’re going to have to jump okay?” i told her, just as afraid she was. i scurried my way out of the window staring down at the large drop under me. i gulped, terrified from what stood ahead me. i let go preparing for the impact, i fell, time felt slow, yet fast. i finally landed, my hip throbbed from the fall i just encountered. every part of me hurt, and longed to be better. “come on anna!” i yelled my throat dry and in pain. i coughed once again. anna stood up there, her small figure was shaking. “anna!! i will catch you okay, come on!” she still stood up there. “anna. please!!” she finally looked down and gently moved closer to the end. “anna it’s like a game okay!? jump and i’ll catch you it’ll be fun. like how we do it in the pool!!!” she looked down at me “i’m scared!” she yelled.

“don’t be, i’ll catch you okay..? 3..” my heart raced knowing the longer she stayed the more the fire was going to spread. she hesitated to jump. “come on anna! i’ll count you down okay? you’ll get teddy after this!” “5..” her big eyes were struck with terror as she looked down to me. “4..” “3..” “2..” “1..” she flung from the window jumping down, i quickly went to catch her. i caught her, thankfully and hugged her tightly. my arms throbbed as my hip did from the impact of her fall on my weakened arms. “good job anna” i told her.

now we’re still standing, staring at this house turn to ashes. the sound of fire truck horns come through, we turn back to see it. i pick up anna and place her to my side, rubbing her head comforting her.

(also i didn’t do the exact cover i just took some idea)

if only the moon didn’t shine through, sparkle above the stars.

if only, all the stars in the sky, the sun and moon. saw us in this big world just the way you and i, if only.

you were my sun, who brought me the light. made my heart shine like the stars, made me feel things all just right.

but now, i am your moon. i’ve brought you the glimpse of all serenity. small glimpses no soul can escape from mind. i brought you all the serenity and strength , i thought meant eternity.

then, the stars were something we shared. the stars we share together, as one. we thought we could hold the stars, if only we could’ve held the stars as just ours.

if only.

i’ve left. and i don’t think you ever noticed. i’ve went missing. no, you’re not gonna see me in a milk carton with my height and weight on it.

i’ve left, i’m gone. gone in the sorts of myself. you can still see me, you can still see my dark blue eyes and dark brunette curls.

you’ll still be able to hear me talk, and maybe you’ll focus in and realize i don’t laugh. maybe you’ll look at me and see the change, see the way my teeth don’t show when i laugh or smile.

you won’t see the dimples on my cheeks anymore.

when i say im missing i say im gone in the terms of myself. you haven’t noticed my disappearance and i don’t think you will for a while.

i’ve mostly lost myself in pretending i haven’t too. saying i’m not missing makes me loose sight and focus of myself.

mirrors don’t show me myself. i just see someone.

maybe i will come back and return. but i wont have you waiting with your arms wide open crying saying how you’ve missed me, i wont get a welcome back party. i wont even be noticed i was ever gone in the first place.

so maybe, ill stay gone.

death follows us. living isn’t always easy. loosing our one life because of the shadow of death that creeps over you, thoughts that may take over to your mind. don’t give in. the thoughts, the sensations, the scenarios, the memories, the tears we shed from this. don’t. give. in. we think its easy to stay steady like a stream of silk flying in the wind. we have new days, new starts one day it may be easy and one may not.

don’t just go back to tomorrow, feeling like it will bring some comfort to relive the thoughts and feelings.

grow out of this daunting comfort and start new.

death wants us to give in, death isn’t always peaceful. we watch and listen in to the shadows we hear to.

don’t collapse to it. crumble. since this isn’t destruction for you, it’s the start of something new.

once felt so light.

once felt so happy, felt peaceful and innocent just learning to see the colors of life

once felt so pure. once met you

once met you, once gave the innocence and pureness, the lightness to you, so you could feel some sort of light too once never felt so out of light before

once had never felt the colors disintegrate to darkness

once saw the colors, once saw the light.

once saw only colors darkening and loose their features

once the light was gone. once realized what the person changed to the lightness of me

meeting you once ruined all of my light so you could fufill your light

once never wanted to loose the colors

i used to find no light, nor flowers. i used to not understand what it felt to posses one. i used to find myself alone and safe. but not protected safe, i felt protecting myself from trying to escape from this safe. i thought safety was to hide from finding the light and the flowers.

the thing is.. i want to try and see the light in life when i have once so pure, peaceful and beautiful it was so to find. i wanted to grasp it and keep it with me, soon to see the light can’t hold all. the light misses something, though it can guide you and show you. the light doesn’t have it all, it possesses guidance and peacefulness, though it lacks in stuff.

once then i found the flowers once i lost the light, the flowers were colorful, pretty and beautiful. they showed me what true can be, what trust can be. but they were missing something again.

“where there is light, the flowers will find it” people say. if you find the light, you have to find the flowers too. you can’t just have the light without the flowers. you can’t only have flowers, without the light it seeks to be shown with.

so don’t give up if you only find the light, or if you only find the flowers. you have to find one to find the other and once you do they will shine together. and you’ll finally find the true beauty of life.

Fear, fear never left me; it was an icy cold hand that held me hostage in a tight forceful grip. It felt like a thousand needles were pricking into me, my heart as always shuddering in my chest.

Fear is a dark presence, with its eyes black and always hidden, yet you might not see it's there. It is like a type of blackness that hides in the corner of your eye.

when I sense fear, it gets cold, cold like cold iron metal. it’s not a place, not a room. It’s always with me, when I think it’s gone.. I can just feel it lurking behind my eyes. I always can smell an awful stench of fear,

My skin shivers, and my bones shaked. My muscles and bones scream of a fear that always vanishes.

I can always sense and feel fear, it makes my blood boil, and my sweat turns cold. It makes my mind wander off about the terrible thoughts of fear. It makes the hair on my neck stick upwards, the feeling of fear is vivid, I can’t ever catch the image but I know what it looks like. It runs it’s fake fingers around me grasping me in it’s forceful grip.

“Your time is up. Better run!” I hear my older sister yell. As I curl behind a tree peaking my small head out to see where she is. As she cluelessly looks around.

I breath in the summery breeze. The hot sun shines onto my overalls. And onto my sweaty small face.

I twirl around my small pigtails mommy did for me. Twisting them around my small stubby fingers.

I quickly peak my head back as I see her creep over. Then she finds me and states loudly. “Found you!” She says scooping me up and tickling me. “Stop!” I yell fighting the urge to giggle.

Yeah, Cause now I’m yelling “Stop!” At her grave remembering all the memories. I won’t accept the fact she’s gone.

It hits me so hard my eyes rim with wet tears. I stare at the grave. “I would do anything to have you back, But I can’t and I miss you so much. I will never forget you” I tell the grave.

You can’t have everything, It might never be close. But you can never give up.

Daniella glances at me and nods. As my heart is pumping faster then ever. We jump. A giant tummy lifter comes. As Daniella yells to turn it on.

Daniella’s has turned into a parachute. But mine stays the same. As much as I click it. I start trying to get it to work in the sequential seconds ahead of me. I’m nearly on the ground. I brace for it.

My time is done.

Then I stare down just giving up as I feel just done. And then I hit ground.

Knowing I’m done.