One year later

Sometimes I feel like when I open my front door Kai will be waiting for me. When it’s raining Kai will be dancing with me.

Now when I look at the rain all I see is the sky crying for me. I here the taunting sound of the rain telling me I’ll never get to dance with him again.

It’s ironic that it’s raining. On his one year anniversary. It almost makes me want to break something. But I can’t do that anymore. I realized it does nothing to help me. It just makes me feel more upset.

I stared out my bed room window counting the drops that slide off onto the wet grass. Something feels off about today. I keep telling myself it’s because I haven’t slept well for a year. But it doesn’t make the feeling that something’s wrong go away. It makes it grow.

I close my eyes letting the sound of the rain be the only thing I hear. The best way to make the pain go away is to drown in it. Even if it kills you, at least it leaves for just that one small minute. A minute that doesn’t feel perfect or happy. It just feels okay. Which is my new happy. If I can even call it happy.

I stand up from my bed, hearing the rain isn’t enough, I need to stand in it. Feel the cold drops on my face and drown in the pain. Because I just want to feel okay, even if it’s just for one second. I need something to hold onto.

I take a deep breath as I twist the door knob. I haven’t touched the rain for a year. And the last time I did it was a good memory.

I open the door, closing my eyes as I hear the small squeak of it opening.

I open my eyes after standing at the door for a minute.

My heart stops as I stare out. It’s not real, this has to be a dream. It can’t be.

“Kai,” I whisper. I stare into his ocean blue eyes. It has to be real, it just has to be.

Kai doesn’t answer he just stands still, keeping his eyes on me.

I step forward out into the rain. I reach my hand out to touch his face. And then everything fades away. My hand no longer touching him. It wasn’t real.

I fall to the ground closing my eyes. I said I wanted to drown in the pain, and that’s what I got. But it doesn’t make the pain go away. It makes it worse, for one second I felt happy. Not okay, happy. Kai was there he was standing right there. And he looked so real.

I want to cry but I can’t. I’ve cried everyday for a year and on the day I want to I don’t have any tears left.

I press my hands against my eyes, trying to make the pain go away.

I take a deep breath, as I feel a hand on my shoulder.

“Mallory,” I whisper, “I want to be alone. Please.”

When I look up I see Kai’s eyes staring into mine. He’s smiling like this is the best day of his life. I cover my eyes again. Why can’t this just end? I want it to end. I’m done feeling this way.

“It hurts!” I yell, “It hurts. Just make it stop!” I stand up and run to the small dirt path in front of my house.

“Please!” I shout, “I can’t take it anymore. It hurts! Make it stop! Just make it stop!”

I feel myself falling, but I don’t hit the ground. Someone catches me.

I wrap my arms around them and we both fall to the ground.

“Just make it stop,” I whisper, “It hurts. . . It hurts.”

“Elina. It’s okay,” I hear Kai’s voice whispering to me. I push myself out of the hug and there’s Kai. He’s crying as he puts his hands on my face.

It’s not real. It’s not real. I close my eyes, feeling Kai’s hands on my face.

“I’m sorry,” Kai whispers, “I never wanted you to feel this way. But I’m here. I’m here Elina.”

I shake my head slowly, “You’re not here. Your. . . Gone.”

Kai stopped me from shaking my head, “Elina. I’m here. I’m right here.”

I feel like I’m getting stabbed everytime I hear him say that I want to believe it.

“How?”

Kai looked into my eyes, “Because of you.”

I close my eyes trying to look away from his gaze, “Because of me?”

Kai nodded, “You erased your memories. Because of me. You got them back and your in so much pain. You keep hallucinating me and it pulled me back here. Your love for me. It pulled me back. I don’t know how, or why. But I don’t care as long as I’m here, with you.”

I started to cry. This felt so real but I knew that it couldn’t be.

“How can I believe this isn’t another hallucination?”

Kai stood up, “Elina,” Kai spoke, “Dance with me. Then you’ll see that your not alone. You’ll see that I’m here. And for the rest of my life, I’m going to be trying to make you see that. Because I’m never leaving. Your stuck with me.”

I stood up taking Kai’s hand.

The moment I realized this was real, was when the thunder started.

Just like the first time I danced with Kai. The moment I fell in love with him.