One year it has been, it’s been one year since…

One year since I’ve seen your face, your devilish smile like you’re about to crack your next joke.

One year since I’ve been able to study the wrinkles and crinkles of your face.

One year since I’ve seen your eyes, the colour of blue like the clear blue ocean.

One year since I’ve heard your voice telling me to play your favourite song or hearing you ask how my day has been.

One year since I’ve heard one of your crazy stories about your younger years.

One year since I’ve been able to hug you or kiss your cheek.

One year since I’ve been able to hear your advice.

One year since I’ve been able to go on an adventure with you.

One year since I’ve seen you wave as I leave.

One year since I’ve been able to tell you that I love you daddy, that I miss you daddy.

One year.

365 days. 8760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds.

One year too long without you near my dear.

208 days 30 weeks 7 months

That’s how long I was with you It’s how long I was my happiest, Most adventurous, growing self

I had trusted you But that trust had evaporated into the clear sky Sending me spiraling And not handing me a parachute Plummeting me to my death

It was 221 days 31 weeks 7 months

Of heartbreak Growth And confusion

I’ve found heartbreak as a comfort And a death While a sacrifice was forced on a broke being With nowhere to go

It’s been… 5 years And yet I still miss you.

It’s been difficult Because I was not Someone who talked much And I didn’t get to know you.

It’s been five years And I wish you were here.

It’s okay To not Be okay But when Is it okay To be okay?

A leap year and a day, And am I okay? You passed on the first day Of Passover And no one much felt Like having a Seder

I mourned your death Before you died And soon ran out of tears Fourteen days until Passover returns How do I feel? I don’t know

But all thirteen years you had Eleven spent with another You found a place in our home A place in our hearts Thank you for spending Your last years with us

As i check my phone, I realize it’s November 17. I start to cry. My mother dies a year ago

I remind myself to stay strong She’s in a better place She wanted this

She died in a horrific way. She drove her car into a tree at 78 MPH. On purpose

She didn’t have many work friends But I didn’t know she was depressed I feel like its my fault

I never snuggled her I never wrapped myself in her warm embrace Instead i hid in my room

I never thought about her I said “i love you” But i never showed it

I walk to the bathroom I put some water on my face I see something

I look in the mirror, theres a message; “It’s not your fault” My eyes open in shock

I smile a little. I look out the window She’s making the sky beautiful for me

——————————————————

Hi! I made this story because recently I’ve released that I don’t spend enough time with my family. My mother hasn’t died, but i imagine this is how it would go if she did. Love you, and have a good day/night!

The first year after your death was the hardest; Largely because I still expected you to come back. To walk in the door, with a sideways grin & a shrug. Asking, “Did ya miss me?”

I do miss you; you have not come back. Not that first year, nor the near six that’ve followed. Meanwhile, each passing year the grief has been harder and harder to swallow.

What am I to do this coming March? When my birthday arrives and I reach the age that you stopped aging.

When you pushed that filth into your veins did you think of the fate you subjected me to? How you doomed a little sister to become the bigger?

I try to remember the good; the leaf piles and igloos. But it’s overshadowed by the bad; the silent, immobile hearts and ambulances.

I wish for your return every day Still hoping one day you’ll respond To the messages I still send you. But Gods, I swear I’ll just never forgive you.

Sometimes I wish you were alive so we could fight Square up, and bloody each other, until I could knock the light out of your eyes, like you did mine.

You know what, I’m tired of trying to be kind, You want to know the legacy you left behind?!

You’ve made our father shrink Both in personality and in size he’s half the man he was when his son was alive. I can see it in his - your - eyes.

You’ve made our mother wilt a beautiful flower shriveling without her light. You’ve left her fair skin covered in angry red scars that only my weary grief stricken eyes can see.

You’ve made our angry older sister that much more bitter and she’s folded in on herself like a retired flag. Now I’m forced to miss her too!

So I f*cking ask you dear brother, Did you ever stop to consider, what would truly happen when you made your little sister the bigger?

I remember the day your soul separated itself from the earth side. I remember the shattering cold of your finger tips as death slowly closed in around you.

Three hundred and sixty five, plus two hundred and twenty eight.

So much of me was taken with you. I had all of these pieces of you, and you brought them with you to whatever purgatory proceeded you. You took my deepest secrets, and you kept them when you went.

Three hundred and sixty five, plus two hundred and twenty eight.

I spent our final days hoping for peace. Hoping to hold onto you as long as whatever higher power would let me. Praying for softness in the days you began to slip away.

Three hundred and sixty five, plus two hundred and twenty eight.

I picked up the phone and tried to call you today, but I guess a text will do. I constantly find myself hoping you miss me … too. I drove home in the silence, hoping my screams into the void would be heard by you.

Three hundred and sixty five, plus two hundred and twenty eight.

I can feel you overcrowding my atmosphere. Your energy heavy, like god placed weight on my shoulders that maybe I wasn’t quite ready to carry.

Three hundred and sixty five, plus two hundred and twenty eight.

One year later

Sometimes I feel like when I open my front door Kai will be waiting for me. When it’s raining Kai will be dancing with me. Now when I look at the rain all I see is the sky crying for me. I here the taunting sound of the rain telling me I’ll never get to dance with him again. It’s ironic that it’s raining. On his one year anniversary. It almost makes me want to break something. But I can’t do that anymore. I realized it does nothing to help me. It just makes me feel more upset. I stared out my bed room window counting the drops that slide off onto the wet grass. Something feels off about today. I keep telling myself it’s because I haven’t slept well for a year. But it doesn’t make the feeling that something’s wrong go away. It makes it grow. I close my eyes letting the sound of the rain be the only thing I hear. The best way to make the pain go away is to drown in it. Even if it kills you, at least it leaves for just that one small minute. A minute that doesn’t feel perfect or happy. It just feels okay. Which is my new happy. If I can even call it happy. I stand up from my bed, hearing the rain isn’t enough, I need to stand in it. Feel the cold drops on my face and drown in the pain. Because I just want to feel okay, even if it’s just for one second. I need something to hold onto. I take a deep breath as I twist the door knob. I haven’t touched the rain for a year. And the last time I did it was a good memory. I open the door, closing my eyes as I hear the small squeak of it opening. I open my eyes after standing at the door for a minute. My heart stops as I stare out. It’s not real, this has to be a dream. It can’t be. “Kai,” I whisper. I stare into his ocean blue eyes. It has to be real, it just has to be. Kai doesn’t answer he just stands still, keeping his eyes on me. I step forward out into the rain. I reach my hand out to touch his face. And then everything fades away. My hand no longer touching him. It wasn’t real. I fall to the ground closing my eyes. I said I wanted to drown in the pain, and that’s what I got. But it doesn’t make the pain go away. It makes it worse, for one second I felt happy. Not okay, happy. Kai was there he was standing right there. And he looked so real. I want to cry but I can’t. I’ve cried everyday for a year and on the day I want to I don’t have any tears left. I press my hands against my eyes, trying to make the pain go away. I take a deep breath, as I feel a hand on my shoulder. “Mallory,” I whisper, “I want to be alone. Please.” When I look up I see Kai’s eyes staring into mine. He’s smiling like this is the best day of his life. I cover my eyes again. Why can’t this just end? I want it to end. I’m done feeling this way. “It hurts!” I yell, “It hurts. Just make it stop!” I stand up and run to the small dirt path in front of my house. “Please!” I shout, “I can’t take it anymore. It hurts! Make it stop! Just make it stop!” I feel myself falling, but I don’t hit the ground. Someone catches me. I wrap my arms around them and we both fall to the ground. “Just make it stop,” I whisper, “It hurts. . . It hurts.” “Elina. It’s okay,” I hear Kai’s voice whispering to me. I push myself out of the hug and there’s Kai. He’s crying as he puts his hands on my face. It’s not real. It’s not real. I close my eyes, feeling Kai’s hands on my face. “I’m sorry,” Kai whispers, “I never wanted you to feel this way. But I’m here. I’m here Elina.” I shake my head slowly, “You’re not here. Your. . . Gone.” Kai stopped me from shaking my head, “Elina. I’m here. I’m right here.” I feel like I’m getting stabbed everytime I hear him say that I want to believe it. “How?” Kai looked into my eyes, “Because of you.” I close my eyes trying to look away from his gaze, “Because of me?” Kai nodded, “You erased your memories. Because of me. You got them back and your in so much pain. You keep hallucinating me and it pulled me back here. Your love for me. It pulled me back. I don’t know how, or why. But I don’t care as long as I’m here, with you.” I started to cry. This felt so real but I knew that it couldn’t be. “How can I believe this isn’t another hallucination?” Kai stood up, “Elina,” Kai spoke, “Dance with me. Then you’ll see that your not alone. You’ll see that I’m here. And for the rest of my life, I’m going to be trying to make you see that. Because I’m never leaving. Your stuck with me.” I stood up taking Kai’s hand. The moment I realized this was real, was when the thunder started. Just like the first time I danced with Kai. The moment I fell in love with him.

Beep, beep, beep! My alarm clock wakes me up and as I go to turn it off, that is when I notice the date: July 2, 2023. I tense up and put my hands to my face, I can’t believe it has been a year already. I remember the exact moment when I got the call that you had passed away.

It was July 2, 2022, at 1:25 pm when the phone rang. When I looked at the caller ID and saw Auntie, I pick it up quickly because she never calls me. As soon as I heard her voice, I knew something was up. She asked me if I was sitting down and when I replied that I was, that is when she broke the news that you had passed. My voice broke as I asked how you had passed and I could tell that she was crying as she tearfully replied that you had fallen and hit the back of your head. Tears started streaming down my face faster than I could catch them, my heart breaks into a million pieces and I put my head on my arm staring off in the distance. I can’t believe you’re gone, why did you have to leave us? We need you, I don’t want to let you go. Please…

It doesn’t feel like a year has gone by since you passed away, it still hurts thinking about that phone call. A few tears slide down my face as I think of you today. I miss you every day, you will never be forgotten. Our family misses you and loves you so much. I am grateful for all the memories we got to have together and that I learned so much from you. This day will never stop hurting any of us. I believe you’re watching over us in heaven.

My love, your sweet laughter is echoing through my heart, listen to its rhythmic feats never missing a beat. beats, beats, beats, forever on repeat until we meet. This hollow beat that slows my feet, I stare at the world for that is where you are, I long to be with you. I’m jealous of the maggots that feast on you, your serene taste lingers on my mind. Today marks the day you ripped my soul away.