Prisoner
Current WIP — I have more written on a doc but would love feedback so far 🫧 I originally started it years ago but currently working on finishing old projects before starting new ones. Feel free to flllow me here for more of this story
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I wake up in a strange, dark room. My mouth is unbearably dry, and there’s a sharp, excruciating pain radiating from my head. My hands are tied behind my back, the restraints digging into my wrists. I try to move, but the bindings keep me locked against the hard chair. Something warm and sticky drips down the side of my leg, pooling on the floor. Is this… blood?
Bright lights illuminate, temporarily blinding me. I shout, but no words come out. My gag prevents any words from forming. As my eyes adjust to the lights, I see that I am in a windowless room with stage lights and an intercom system on the ceiling. I try screaming again, but nothing. No sound comes out.
A monotonous voice blares out of the intercom, “Marianna Nunez, welcome to your new reality.”
The voice is robotic, emotionless, and grating, but I don’t flinch. Instead, I take a deep breath through my nose, steadying the adrenaline coursing through me. My leg throbs, but pain is just information. Blood means I still have time. Time to think, time to act.
“You’ve been chosen,” the voice continues. “How fortunate you are to participate in our little experiment. Cooperate, and your suffering will be minimal. Resist, and—well, you’ll see.”
An experiment. I’ve heard that line before. Same script, different amateur villain.
I subtly test the restraints. Rope—thick but poorly knotted. Amateur work. My leg is sticky, and I realize my knife must have grazed me on the way in. Sloppy. They didn’t check me for weapons.
Carefully, I shift in the chair, wiggling my fingers until I can nudge the blade’s handle tucked into the pocket of my cargo pants. It’s awkward and slow, but I manage to inch it upward, enough to grasp the tip with my fingertips.
The voice drones on about rules, consequences, and some garbage about control. I tune it out, concentrating instead on positioning the blade against the rope. The chair creaks as I move, but I freeze, waiting for the voice to continue.
My focus sharpens. The chair leg under my heel is wobbly. Good. I angle my body just enough to apply pressure, feeling the chair shift. A distraction is all I’ll need.
“You may feel fear, Marianne,” the voice says. “But it’s best to accept—”
The chair slams to the ground as I throw my weight sideways, snapping one of the legs clean off. The impact sends a jolt of pain through my injured leg, but it’s worth it. My captor goes silent.
“Fugg,” I mumble, the gag muffling my voice. I manage to grip the handle and work the blade upward, sawing carefully at the rope as I roll to the side, positioning myself for the next move.
“Subject is… noncompliant,” the intercom voice stammers.
No kidding.
The intercom clicks off, leaving an eerie silence that’s almost louder than the voice itself. Good. They didn’t expect me to fight back. That gives me the edge.
A quick twist, a sharp pull, and my hands are free. Blood rushes back into my fingers as I tug the gag from my mouth, gasping in the stale air. My leg protests as I shift, but I push through the pain. Quickly, I use the gag’s fabric and rope to wrap it around my wounded leg to slow the bleeding. It’s crude, but it’ll hold for now. I grab the broken chair leg. It’s not much, but along with my knife it’ll do.
A door opens. Heavy boots thud against the floor. The cavalry's coming.
I really like the first person in the present tense (I think I just made up that term but you know what I mean.)
Lately I have been working on using the same technique or perspective for at least one character in an alternating character WIP
-i used to always struggle with getting lost in trying to recall who is speaking and in what perspective or in what essence is put forth to the reader receiving the story .
The feedback I have is general because I remembered it as I was reading your work -
My pop is an author and poet- he has given me some random pointers over the years that helped me to gage how the work is coming across .
I remember his basic but helpful advice to either let a person read the work to a certain point (like the first chapter, or the prologue, whatever, and it tell them you only want one thing as feedback and that is if , when they are done with the part they read, do they want to know what happens next. I do that sometimes- and when I read this WIP of yours I thought it works well and it has the vibe where the reader is caught up and in the action so to speak. I thought about what might come next a- that is a great sign - good work !!!
Omg, this is actually good. Now, I’m no professional, but I do agree with theAgitist on this as well. I have a problem with the “show don’t tell” principle as well. I’m definitely reading pt. 2 though
Hello, thank you for sharing your writing. If I could make one comment, it would be to apply a bit more the “show don’t tell” principle.
For example, on the first paragraph, I would rely more on the causes of her discomfort. Not straight out telling how dry her mouth was, but showing how so. Not just saying her hands were tied but how did she noticed it.
Of course this is all just my personal opinion. I hope it helps. 😁
