“ But you weren’t there “ he ranted over and over again.

“ No” I , replied simply, “I wasn’t there!”

“

But I hear you every night, the war, I only want to help!”

“ You can’t help, you don’t understand, you couldn’t understand….it was terrible!”

“ I know, …I know”. I replied softly, “you’ve told me many times”

“ What it’s like to see your mate blown to pieces, only a couple of metres away?” What it’s like find parts of him on you! For fucks sake, what would you know what it’s like, for Christ’s sake, get real “

He was shaking again, walking in circles around the room.His mattress was laying sideways on the hospital bed, blanket and sheets on the ground. The waxed water cup, crinkled and lay over the other side of the room. The plastic jug smashed.

We had been married for 20 years before he hit the wall completely.My God, does it sound

terrible, that I need a rest? Crikey, we don’t even sleep together any more. I’m sick of being hit by him in his sleep, following him sleep walking, but like he is in the bloody army, with his rifle at point. I follow him to see that he is safe and not run over by a car or a truck!

So I spoke to his Dr, and told him what was happening. He had no idea, but that doesn’t surprise me, None of them talk about their service unless it is in a joking fashion or only if they were with you! Then you’ll get asked to leave, “ Men’s business”.

I have hidden so much from the kids, who he adores, and he says he loves me but…

“ Oh shit, I have stopped him killing himself,ressussed him twice for Gods sake.“

But I love him! And nothing shakes that I mean isn’t that in our vows? For better or worse?

In better times he is smart, funny,loving all those things that attracted me from the beginning.

Then he came home again, the same looks and laughter, but his eyes, oh my gosh, they make me want too weep. He isn’t the same man I married, but I love him .

I feel so bad having him sectioned in the Repat hospital,but with the new meds out now for these men, some things gotta work , doesn’t it?