She didn’t know what I was thinking. I couldn’t tell her…. I didn’t love her, but she just told me she was pregnant. “She said you’re gonna be a father.” I remember. She wasn’t looking at me, just straight ahead , looking out of the front windscreen of the car. Here I was looking forward to a nice steak at our favourite restaurant. Now I was sick to my stomach. I didn’t know what to say, so I said the most stupid statement, I mean I knew I didn’t love her but I cared for her and she was my best friend. I said “ Are you sure I’m the father, I mean it is my baby.?” How could I be so callus! She still didn’t look at me, but I saw the tear roll slowly down her cheek. It’s path cut my heart in two. l said “Don’t cry, Anna, I’m sorry, you just took me by surprise , this is the last thing I expected!” And again! How stupid, and cruel can ones mind be to say “ what are you going to,do ?” She turned her face towards me and looked through tears grey eyes, and said in a whisper,” I will get rid of it”. I started to back pedal, I mean,that was my baby, “No you can’t do that.! That isn’t right! We can work it out ok?” “ tell me,” she said, “ Do you love me?, because unless you do and we get married, there isn’t a point to bring a baby into the world by a single mum and then having it taken away and put up for adoption, I just can’t even deal with that thought”. “Neither could I, but marry, be a Dad? No That wasn’t me .” So I said “ look, let me think about it, Ok? .We will come up with something., yeah ?” “ There is much time to do that Tom, she said quietly. I am nearly three months already. I swear to you I didn’t think of being pregnant, I just thought, doing all the shift work, and studying, that I was overtired. It wasn’t til I realised that I hadn’t had my monthlies for a while, that “ oh my God, I am so scared , if Matron finds out before I have my State exams she will make sure I will have to leave, so I won’t become, fully trained and a Sister. I’ve worked so hard, for the last four years….” She put her face into her hands and started to sob. If only I could go back to that moment, and comfort her, do the right thing and marry her But I can’t. I didn’t see her or hear from here for a couple of weeks, So I rang her. The girls in the dormitory and answered the phone, for anyone on their floor and went and got the person that was bei called. “ Oh, are you Anna’s boyfriend,”some girl asked. “Yes May I speak to her please?” “Nah sorry, Anna left a few days ago.” “Left? What do you mean left.” “”She’s gone! That’s all I know !” The girl said simply, “All her things have gone too.” “Where did she go.?”asked. “ I dunno,”said the girl, “But her parents, came and gathered up her stuff, and then left, we did ask them but they just shook their heads. They looked pretty upset, so,I didn’t say anything more”. This sounded awfully bad. What has happened. I had met her parents plenty of times and got on pretty well with them so thought, ring them and I did. “Oh my gosh,….. she……umm , do you know if she’s alright?” “ Well shes not! Her Dad said she died in an accident! She was a really lovely girl and good nurse, you just never know when you time is up” “ I shoulda told her I loved her……
I always thought, something or some one in my family was missing.I sensed sometimes that some out there was listening to things I thought and said. I would find myself looking at crowds not for the sake of a crowd of people, but just one person!. But after all these years,I now have the reason for feeling alone, but wanting something or someone I just couldn’t determine just what! And now you tell me I have a twin? Not just aTwin but identical twin ? And I was an child! Didn’t they want my Twin ? I mean they to.e me when I was old enough to understand that I was adopted. I felt loved, cared for , I mean why not my other half, for that is what it is! What I have k own that something was missing in my make up! I wonder did they feel that way too! Will I meet my twin do they want to meet me?I can’t wait oh please…. Find them and bring them to me So we yes we! Will feel whole for once !
Jack, ahead of us by a few yards, he was our forward scout. He signalled down, and in unison we all bobbed down amongst the trees and bushes. He signalled again for the aft scout to go forward and the gunners in the middle. Slowly us men crept into position. then we waited. Jack was known to be able to smell the enemy and he had never been wrong.The men totally trusted him . The crickets and the odd birds chirruped and chirped as usual. Jack edged forward, creeping forward.We couldn’t see what he could see . But then, All Hell let loose ! We weren’t even a full patrol! Bullets started firing! Commands being yelled from both sides. Me mate threw himself down on the ground beside me, “ Crikey he was really shitting himself, but then all of us were.” It was hot, the bushes were scratchy and I could feel my blood coming down my neck from those scratches.The noise was overwhelming “And me mate rolled over onto his back, holding his automatic over his head and letting loose rounds and rounds of bullets screaming all the time, Jesus, bloody hell, Jesus I’m gonna die,I’m gonna die.” This bloody rocket whizzed over head hitting the tree just behind us. The enemy was lining up the flare from the bullets. The rocket splintered the tree into a thousand little javelins showering down on us.” He was off his brain! “ I feel bad these days when I remembered what I said to him , but I had to, he was gonna get us killed. So I pointed my rifle at him and said “ If you fire you that fucken, rifle again like that, I will bloody shoot you! Aim for the black ants down there !!” He regained his composure . Sniffed back his nose , wiped his eyes on his giggle hat and let his stomach muscles dig him. down further under the little tree. He was a good bloke really, it wasn’t the first time, we had All Hell let loose and it wasn’t the last. It at least we both came home,” I’ll never forget that day, ‘cause I am ashamed you see, you don’t threaten yuh Mates, do yuh ?” The old man took out his handkerchief and wiped his eyes, “No I will never forget that day “ His chin quivered as he tried to take control of his emotions. “ People these days would think me flamin traitor to me mate, but we were there,that day when all Hell let loose ! And they wouldn’t understand,! He looked across at me, “what do you think Love?” “No I guess they wouldn’t darl… but I understand and that’s all that matters isn’t ‘ it”.? He picked up my hand a kissed it , and went back to his aged care room .
,
Mama, I sent you a letter, I wanted you to know I’m ok , They shaved my head Mum, and gave me my uniform and boots. I have made some friends Mum, they are going on tour with me., But of course we have to do our training for three months, we learn how to salute, March, And use a gun I mean a rifle. Although I am scared, I mean not really scared, But just wondering what it will be like. The food isn’t too bad, but the sergeant the corporals, shout at you for anything. But apart from that it’s going ok. Mum I haven’t sent this yet, but thought I would add a few more things. Do you remember my mate big Jim, from Sunday School, well he’ s in a different unit than me, But its cool isn’t it having someone you really know. I got the best for shooting yesterday, spot on I was! Just as well really ,we’re being flown out tomorrow, to acclimatise us, to jungle heat and stuff! Because apparently, it is very humid over there! So we will be in an Aussie Jungle, called Kanungra! Fancy that Mum, gonna be a real soldier like Pop! How is Pop by the way? Is he going ok? Well after Kanungra, we will be off to NuiDat in Vietnam. I love you Mum write back,when you have moment, look after Pop and Dad give them my love. Will write to you again after I get there ok? Love and hugs from your son Jimmy.
Dear Mrs White, With regret I have to write this letter to you. Your son,Lance Corporal, Jim White, was killed by enemy fire, yesterday August 18,1966. You may be sure, your son died with honours, and as one of our Service men, he died bravely. We found this letter that was presumably written before he went out to the area Long Tan, So we felt as it was meant to be sent by him, before, we would honour his commitment to his family. We the ADF serving in Vietnam, for our Country Australia, send you are most sincere Condolences. Signed…..
Your eyes are brown, almost black , like night. You purse you lips into a heart shape, When you don’t agree. They flicker in dissent as your eyes blacken further. Your hot wet hands, hang limp by your side, Which is good, as they revolt me. It could be said you are good looking, But I look at your face and only see a sly,rat like appearance. Begone, There is nothing about you that I desire. Except to be rid of you, my dear!
I am here, with open arms, Yes it’s safe my darling. I will look for dangers here and there And keep you safe my darling! I will rock you in my arms, until the night is over, I am here with,open arms yes it’s safe my Darling. All the world is outside, All the troubles there, but this is your world my darling. And I will keep you safe with care
“ But you weren’t there “ he ranted over and over again.
“ No” I , replied simply, “I wasn’t there!” “ But I hear you every night, the war, I only want to help!”
“ You can’t help, you don’t understand, you couldn’t understand….it was terrible!”
“ I know, …I know”. I replied softly, “you’ve told me many times”
“ What it’s like to see your mate blown to pieces, only a couple of metres away?” What it’s like find parts of him on you! For fucks sake, what would you know what it’s like, for Christ’s sake, get real “
He was shaking again, walking in circles around the room.His mattress was laying sideways on the hospital bed, blanket and sheets on the ground. The waxed water cup, crinkled and lay over the other side of the room. The plastic jug smashed.
We had been married for 20 years before he hit the wall completely.My God, does it sound terrible, that I need a rest? Crikey, we don’t even sleep together any more. I’m sick of being hit by him in his sleep, following him sleep walking, but like he is in the bloody army, with his rifle at point. I follow him to see that he is safe and not run over by a car or a truck! So I spoke to his Dr, and told him what was happening. He had no idea, but that doesn’t surprise me, None of them talk about their service unless it is in a joking fashion or only if they were with you! Then you’ll get asked to leave, “ Men’s business”.
I have hidden so much from the kids, who he adores, and he says he loves me but…
“ Oh shit, I have stopped him killing himself,ressussed him twice for Gods sake.“ But I love him! And nothing shakes that I mean isn’t that in our vows? For better or worse? In better times he is smart, funny,loving all those things that attracted me from the beginning. Then he came home again, the same looks and laughter, but his eyes, oh my gosh, they make me want too weep. He isn’t the same man I married, but I love him .
I feel so bad having him sectioned in the Repat hospital,but with the new meds out now for these men, some things gotta work , doesn’t it?
He was young,He was home. Young face young body. Wholesome, hopeful,Suppressing all those things His eyes should never have seen. Where does he begin again? Everything unchanged, except him. He doesn’t know it yet, But his eyes, revealed those horrors To his soulAnd in those hidden chambers, it wept, Most piteously for his loss That he is not aware That he cannot go on the same For his eyes saw it all And his soul cannot forget
