I am your typical woman.

Wait, no I’m not. I am easily DISTRACTED, can’t think, forget things, can’t make plans, lose myself, lose things I own, get too overly hyper, get overwhelmed, and am pretty annoying to your usual person.

I am easily annoyed, upset, up and down... down and up, happy then SAD, good then bad, quiet then loud, crazy then chill, normal then all over the place, easy then conservative, dumb then Kinda smart? Maybe not.

I’m sad, depressed, lonely in a crowd, wanting all the attention, self centered, OBNOXIOUS, emotionally unstable, sick, irritable, to myself, unable to be for anyone else, overly attached then aloof, hypersexual then turned off.

Freaked out, shy, anxious, scared, nervous, shaky, a baby, emotionally unavailable, to myself, Self Centered, dumb, embarrassing, a joke, a WHORE, “retarded”.”

That is all me, according to many people. And I might have hurt so many people before. I might have let my extreme impulsivity control my being for many years. Something I did not realize I had been doing because I was so far GONE. The moment I realized was when I did the worse thing I could ever do to my loved one and broke his whole world apart.

Many months pass, and even though I was given a chance, there is plenty of DAMAGE. If that situation didn’t happen, I never would’ve realized all the disorders and damage I had in my head.

I currently fake my feelings and try to act like I’m chill, and like I’m feeling ok. I never will. There are moments when I feel like BREAKING down and have to excuse myself to the bathroom every time. At times, I used that time to look at myself in the mirror and show myself my real emotions. Other times, I couldn’t help but cry. I wish I had my own space sometimes.

I would not want any pity from anyone because with all these problems I have, I could’ve made better choices in my life. I could’ve gotten help sooner. I should’ve COMMUNICATED about everything with my significant other. If I had done those things, my life could have turned out different. Too late now....

I have to keep my composure most of the time. There are moments when I’m triggered so much that I just cannot go on. I know I’m in the wrong in all this. My mind is so hectic with never ending thoughts about my inability to be a functional, LOYAL, empathetic human being with normal emotions.

I just want to be a good person. I’m working so hard to make my life better, but Karma will always be a bitch. I know that no matter what I do, I will always be a disgusting, dirty, LOOSE whore bitch. That’s why I have constant battles with myself in my head about whether or not I should let myself fade away into oblivion or whether I should keep living and keep working on myself. Sometimes I fear one day the other side will win, but for now I’ll still keep fighting.

I genuinely do not wish to be that person that gives up, but I must say it really is difficult to love someone that has done so much damage. Someone that I realize has never done any good in her life. Someone that never put anyone first unless it was with her ADDICTION. And that’s why I hate that someone. I don’t think I’ll ever stop hating her, but I don’t know what the future holds.