Nicole Violette
I love writing anything that inspires me including the thoughts that burden my mind…
Nicole Violette
I love writing anything that inspires me including the thoughts that burden my mind…
I love writing anything that inspires me including the thoughts that burden my mind…
I love writing anything that inspires me including the thoughts that burden my mind…
There are ten people, each with a different thought in mind. As they sit, they look at each other nervously. The intense silence makes the waiting room feel so small. Some people look more frightened than others. Some people are looking down at the ground as sadness starts to fill them with gloom.
“Connor Dipelser,” the man called out from the door by the front desk, “you’re up.” Connor widens his eyes. His face goes pale as he gets up from his seat and heads to the room. Everyone else stays silent, with such a great level of anxiety that even medication cannot fix.
Connor doesn’t come out. He is gone, and they will be too. “Melissa Gutierrez,” The man calls out. She tries to get up, but her legs won’t stop shaking, “Come on, man. I don’t got all day!” She rises and walks slowly and very shaken. Her lips were dry and her cheeks were no longer a warm red. They were white, almost blue from the lack of circulation in her head.
She enters the room and she panics as she sees the two doors. “Let’s start,” The man says to her. She sits facing him, who is sitting at the other side of the small interrogation table. “Have you killed?” He asks.
“No.” She says with a soft, barely there tone.
“Good…. Have you cheated at anything in your life?”
“Only when I was doing a quiz in fifth grade.”
“Have you committed adultery?”
She blushes, “Yes….”
“That’s cheating.” He says nonchalantly.
“Oh…. Ok.”
“Why did you cheat?”
“We were together, but not divorced because it cost too much. I got a boyfriend even though we weren’t divorced.”
“Makes sense, but why did you separate?”
“He used to beat me….” She began to shut down, her eyes turning sad, and her gaze to the ground.
“Last question. What do you think about God?”
“He saved me from my abusive relationship.”
“Alrighty, you’re done.” He says blankly. “You’re going to heaven. Best wishes to you.”
Although there’s so much going on, I’m grateful for existing,
The world could be going wrong, but I know I’ll still be singing,
My heart is pure and full of love, that will never end,
I’m grateful to be living, I’m my very best friend,
I might go through a lot, but I still love myself,
But at least I’m never afraid, to ask for a little help,
This soul will keep on burning, it will never die,
I’m grateful cause I can sing my own lullaby,
My dear heart might hurt sometimes, you see,
But I’m very grateful that I’m happy and free,
There’s no one that makes me happier than my very own self,
My heart will always be grateful for the existence of itself.
She kept overthinking about everything she had done. Her body, heart, and soul felt depressed yet so dull. She knew she was a disgusting, worthless human being, and rightfully so. She had so many flashing images in her head of everything that she had done.
She had finally come to the realization that she was not meant to be in this world. She did not deserve to. All she caused was harm, damage, hurt. She used people that only cared about her. She was dangerous to herself and more to others. She felt so much hatred onto herself.
Her ideations might finally become a reality. She had finally realized that her worth was nowhere. She had no purpose in this earth. She had only come to this earth to be a worthless piece of shit whore. And now, she knew she had to be gone, fore she had done too much damage and her mind was still full of arousal.
Her body still felt tainted, more now than ever before, and she had difficulty controlling it. That only added to her hate. She had to do something to make it all stop, and there was no other option. She had to make it end, and she had to do it now before it was too late. She had to do it before anyone noticed. Before they realized her plans.
She would not speak to a soul about it this time. If she kept it to herself, no one would be able to stop her actions. No one would be able to save her. She did not want to risk herself being here anymore, dealing with her constant arousal. She just wanted it to end altogether. She wanted it to go away for once.
She had to let go. She had to stop being selfish. There was nothing else that could be done. She suffered daily, and she made him suffer daily. She hated herself from day one, and now at day 8210 she would finally be gone.
And..... I just realized that I did this prompt all wrong. Dammit.
Well, at least I wrote something. Bye everyone. I’m Sorry.
The fur that covered each part of the paw gave me great joy. I had to touch and feel the softness only to be met with that paw hitting the top of my hand lightly, warning me not to touch. I could not help squealing with joy. My heart, body, and soul felt such euphoria from seeing this sight. I decided to rub on the gentle fur. Such warmth on the palm of my hand. It felt therapeutic to me. There was nothing in the world that could make me feel as much bliss as this very moment. The sight of such precious innocence. Playful, cute, sweet, energetic ball of fur. I sat on my couch and the beauty jumped onto me, resting on my lap. The peace I felt inside as I looked at the sleepy eyes. A little chin laying itself on my right thigh. Curled up paws. Wrapped up tail. Gentle breaths. White beautiful fur with hints of brown and black here and there. The living, breathing description of beauty.
The day I’ve been waiting for is finally here!
I wake up in the morning thinking of my plan. The plan that’s been in my head for a long period of time. Something that is so important for me. Something I have always wished for. Desired. Wanted. Yearned for. Searched for. Needed. And planned forever. I am glad I finally have put my plan together.
It’s written on paper word for word. Every letter written beautifully on paper. A letter written for every person I adore. Family. Friend. “People that should be my family but I fucked those chances up.” The family that I always hoped to be part of with the man I love.
I apologize to everyone for causing so much harm, but the greatest day of my life is finally here. The day that we’ve all been waiting for and expected to happen. The day I’ve been planning for many years. Such a day that I’d consider most beautiful. A day that would bring me so much joy.
I have been counting the years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds, milliseconds, etc. And it’s finally here. I have never felt so much excitement and joy in my life, but this day has arrived. I can finally be at peace.
The day I decide to make myself fade away has come. The last selfish thing I’ll ever do. Then, it’s all over from there. I don’t have to be anyone else’s burden. I don’t have to cause stress, pain, anger, trauma, damage on anyone. I no longer have to worry about being called annoying, dumb, retarded, idiot, stupid bitch, waste of space, embarrassing, a joke, sicko, freak, talkative, naive, slut, sneaky, rotten, toxic, disgusting, good for nothing, piece of shit, Whore. Aka. I want to my l live in a mountain area where no one would judge me. I wouldn’t have to worry about my actions. I would be free.
I am your typical woman.
Wait, no I’m not. I am easily DISTRACTED, can’t think, forget things, can’t make plans, lose myself, lose things I own, get too overly hyper, get overwhelmed, and am pretty annoying to your usual person.
I am easily annoyed, upset, up and down... down and up, happy then SAD, good then bad, quiet then loud, crazy then chill, normal then all over the place, easy then conservative, dumb then Kinda smart? Maybe not.
I’m sad, depressed, lonely in a crowd, wanting all the attention, self centered, OBNOXIOUS, emotionally unstable, sick, irritable, to myself, unable to be for anyone else, overly attached then aloof, hypersexual then turned off.
Freaked out, shy, anxious, scared, nervous, shaky, a baby, emotionally unavailable, to myself, Self Centered, dumb, embarrassing, a joke, a WHORE, “retarded”.”
That is all me, according to many people. And I might have hurt so many people before. I might have let my extreme impulsivity control my being for many years. Something I did not realize I had been doing because I was so far GONE. The moment I realized was when I did the worse thing I could ever do to my loved one and broke his whole world apart.
Many months pass, and even though I was given a chance, there is plenty of DAMAGE. If that situation didn’t happen, I never would’ve realized all the disorders and damage I had in my head.
I currently fake my feelings and try to act like I’m chill, and like I’m feeling ok. I never will. There are moments when I feel like BREAKING down and have to excuse myself to the bathroom every time. At times, I used that time to look at myself in the mirror and show myself my real emotions. Other times, I couldn’t help but cry. I wish I had my own space sometimes.
I would not want any pity from anyone because with all these problems I have, I could’ve made better choices in my life. I could’ve gotten help sooner. I should’ve COMMUNICATED about everything with my significant other. If I had done those things, my life could have turned out different. Too late now....
I have to keep my composure most of the time. There are moments when I’m triggered so much that I just cannot go on. I know I’m in the wrong in all this. My mind is so hectic with never ending thoughts about my inability to be a functional, LOYAL, empathetic human being with normal emotions.
I just want to be a good person. I’m working so hard to make my life better, but Karma will always be a bitch. I know that no matter what I do, I will always be a disgusting, dirty, LOOSE whore bitch. That’s why I have constant battles with myself in my head about whether or not I should let myself fade away into oblivion or whether I should keep living and keep working on myself. Sometimes I fear one day the other side will win, but for now I’ll still keep fighting.
I genuinely do not wish to be that person that gives up, but I must say it really is difficult to love someone that has done so much damage. Someone that I realize has never done any good in her life. Someone that never put anyone first unless it was with her ADDICTION. And that’s why I hate that someone. I don’t think I’ll ever stop hating her, but I don’t know what the future holds.
She paced through the windy streets, her coat soaked completely. Her hair was frizzy from the rain. The rain hit her hard like freezing bullet on her soft skin. Her cheeks were bright red from the frostiness of the wind. She could not look up as the rain was too strong. If she could see, she would get to enjoy the night sky with beautiful, dark clouds. Fluffy gray clouds that raged with lightning and thunder, and cried with the speedy drops onto the shiny, misty ground.
Her heart raised as she walked up the hill. Her boots would not be enough to keep her from slipping backwards and hitting anything that crossed her path. She was shaking from both the icy temperature and the fear she felt. She did not know what made her shake more. She looked behind her, where she could see the chilly waters pouring so much it looked like a soaring river. She feared for her life. She felt so alone, yet she could not stop walking.
She put her hands on the hard, freezing ground which was covered with the wintery waters that slid through her fingers. She felt safer walking in all fours up the hill, using her arms to keep from slipping and her legs to push herself forward. Her nose ran as if it were in a race. Her face so wet that she looked like might’ve been crying for hours. She sniffled as she continued on her journey. Then, she heard a loud crack. This was the first time she looked ahead, and what she saw made her heart drop. Her eyes widened as she stared in shock.
She saw the tree as it went onto the ground barely missing her. Her eyes widened with fright and she got up to run. She did not worry about falling any longer. All she desired was to get up the hill. All she desired was to be home, in her bed, and far from this freezing rain, this angry thunder, this violent lightning. And when she gets there, she knows she would never again head out on a stormy night.
When she finally reached the top, all she could feel was relief. As she removed her raincoat, all she could do was smile and sigh. She was finally in her warm home. She was ready for a nice mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows while she sat in front of her fireplace. She went to her kitchen, looked out at the vicious night sky. So dark, so threatening, so violent, yet so.... beautiful. She sipped on her hot cocoa as she sat by her fireplace. She sighed once more. She was glad to have lived through the storm. Glad that she got to enjoy this hot chocolate while keeping warm on a crazy rainy night.
I spoke and spoke continuously,
The words burst out like thunder and lightning,
I could not control the thoughts in my head,
Sometimes I did not realize what I said,
It’s as if my mouth smoke on its own,
I couldn’t control it all alone,
I felt so very out of place,
Sometimes I felt like I was in space,
I continuously got told to relax,
I felt my emotions reach their max,
It brought me down to my very bottom,
I felt depressed Winter, Spring, and Autumn,
During the summer everyone had fun,
But I stayed away soon as it begun,
I wanted out of any social situations,
And so I had no friendly relations,
But that was ok because no friendship lasted,
And so when they tried and I denied, they were flabbergasted,
People are confused to why I have no one,
They find it awkward when I say it and they start to run,
I’m all alone, but that’s ok,
At least I can practice all day,
Even if family said bad things to me,
Even if I sometimes don’t feel I’m free,
I’ll work on myself to be better,
I won’t be like this forever,
My heart breaks apart each time they say words,
“Relax”, “you’re making a scene”, “you’re the worst”,
I lay down quietly for hours on end,
Sometimes I feel I might be my only friend,
My only support, the only one that accepts me,
Some people just would not agree,
I will keep working hard on this goal,
I will not stop until I fall,
I just want to normal when I’m around,
The people so they don’t look me down,
A part of me still hurts no matter how many years,
Sometimes I feel myself winding up in tears,
But I’m still here, fighting this battle,
I’ll still be here, being my only role model.
I walked down this small town all on my own. My straw hat with flowers helped keep the sun from my eyes. My yellow dress flowed with the gentle wind, but luckily I wore my apron everywhere I went. I was a country girl after all. I had a basket in hand. It had two sandwiches, two apples, two pears, and two bottles of milk. I walked down the neighborhood. The dirt on the streets soiled my flats as I skipped towards the park. I had nothing in mind except the need to lay out in the sun enjoying all this food by myself.
As I skipped by, I saw his house. “No, you mustn’t look.” I told myself. I faced away, looking at the hills of grass and lilies across from the house. I kept skipping, avoiding sight of the house. A house so squared, all in brick. The newest looking house in our town since they had only moved in a few months ago. I could not stand looking at it. As I skipped, I felt someone bump into me. I fell with all my food. “Oh, Sorry!” I said bashful. I looked towards the person and my cheeks grew redder. I looked away.
“Hi, Jane.” He said. “Sorry for bumping into you. Let me give you a hand.” His soft pink lips curled at the edges. He held onto my hand as he spoke. His warm, honey brown eyes looked right into mine. I pulled away from his hand.
“No! I don’t need your help.” I said to him, facing away. I began picking up my stuff. He got down to help me.
“Why do you have two of each? Are you heading to see anyone?” He asked.
“No. I’m eating this alone. Bye.” I said after picking up my last item. I stood up and walked as fast as I could towards the park.
“Wait, Jane! You forgot your apple—“
I heard him yell something, but I refused to look back. My feet hurt from walking so quickly, but I had finally arrived at the park. I pull out a towel from my apron pocket and opened it onto the grass. I went down as quickly as I set it. “Why do I feel this way?.....” I said to myself, my eyes looking down at my basket. “Why do I put twice as much food each day as I’m heading to the park? I never even eat the second portion...”
“I know why, My Love....” I heard a voice say. I looked up, and there he stood. Apple in hand, sweat on his forehead, and flushed cheeks. “Let’s have a picnic together.”
I blushed so hard, I would not doubt my whole face was red. I couldn’t hold it in any longer... I could not keep lying to myself. “Ok...... Connor.” My once cold eyes had a warm look and I know there were hearts in them now. I finally had to accept it.
We sat with each other and enjoyed the picnic. We spent time together all evening.
There were no trees, There were no flowers, All animals were no more, There were no habitats that were warm, The birds did fly, but far away, The grass lands died, There was no hay, The cows and sheep were not so free, The chicken, roosters couldn’t be, There wasn’t warmth in many hearts, And you could barely see the stars, There were no peaceful days within, Or equality cause they all wanted to win, There was no respect, There was no joy, There was no happiness for a young boy, There were no rights strict enough, There was no justice spoken off, What is there if all this is not? Can you guess, I hope you can but, Have a nice day, and good luck, If you can guess, I’ll be happy as Duck*.