How do I approach this?

A positive I enjoy about smoking marijuana occasionally is the ability to detach myself from ego. This allows me to really reflect on my present reality and ponder my actions, behaviors, thoughts and feelings in a manner that feels constructive. When I am living my daily life of work and personal relationships, I run on routine thoughts, actions, meals, places, songs, lighting in my apartment, tv shows, etc. stimming in a ceaseless cycle of egocentric behaviors.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, many people run on this sort of “auto pilot” and a lot of it is driven from the technology addictions we face today. I do fantasize about leaving all my tech behind and joining a forest coven of witches in Oregon as much as the next “woke” gay man, but I can recognize that I shouldn’t feel guilty for my addiction to my phone. In a sense, it’s the only way I can maintain community in the modern day. Although I’m learning quickly that it is quite difficult to keep up with all of the relationships I want in my life. You do have to keep yourself from spreading yourself too thin, but at the same time, you forgo meeting so many beautiful people and souls in this world.

Post college graduate depression is documented and quite frequent among kids today, and this definitely plays into my frustrations with modern life, but the amount that technology partakes in my saddness and anxiety should also be confronted; albeit my reliance on it for work. I literally have two phones. Double the screen time. I used TikTok while peeing in a urinal the other day (thinking about that makes me want to cringe). It’s becoming second nature to me yo reach for that phone the minute I can, and get my brain on TikTok. Or ihstagram. Or text. Or call someone. Or listen to music. I need to get my attention back.

I MISS WRITING. I miss drawing, I miss being connected with my thoughts.

Posting this here but realizing I’m not upset with myself for the phone addiction I have, but I am upset with my current reality that revolves around it. I’d love to decentralize tech in my life and bring myself out of this slump. So if anything, I’m proud of me for writing this and coming to this conclusion whilst writing.

You can ignore this, or think I’m crazy (I probably am), but hopefully this is therapeutic for me.