We have all seen those zombie movies right? The ones where the human race is wiped out by what is basically a bunch of psycho undead cannibals? Sometimes they walk really slow, sometimes they run, and sometimes they do this weird demonic crawl and bite the shit out of the protagonists ankles. Well, I’d hate to break the illusion, but that’s not what the zombie apocalypse is.

Let me describe a zombie to you.

Imagine with me for a second, Danny DeVito, with the brains of Albert Einstein’s left toe, covered top to bottom in mucus filled blisters. And there you have your typical zombie, the only thing their good at? Taking your brains.

Now, I know what your thinking “but zombies are supposed to be stupid!” And “that’s so fucking gross why would you describe them like that..” Well, first off because I wanted too, and second off they literally eat brains for a living. They steal your brain, eat it like a 49 year old man with a bag of Doritos, and then use what they learn to get wise.

Now that’s out of the way, I hear the questions now “How’d this start? How did this happen?” I don’t fucking know! I’m not a goddamn scientist, go read a book and get a degree in something and figure it out yourself! I’m trying to tell you a story- so sit your ass down and listen, no more questions.

My name is Mariah Rose Faith, and I am the coolest 14 year old you’ve ever met. I live in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, in a cabin on the edge of the woods I stole from some poor old dude. Don’t worry, he was very dead, I think.

The story isn’t about him. It’s about me.

One night there was some really loud knocking on the door, so of course, I ignored it and went back to sleep. Until that is, the door got knocked down and I had to shimmy my ass out the window. A zombie wandered into my room, taking a minute to study anything I left behind- including my gun- I glanced back into the window just in time for her to see me. Great. So cool.

What happened next is not in my top 10 coolest moments of all time.

I screamed and staggered backwards just in time for me to slip off the roof into the grass. Ow- I looked at the sky- my vision coming In and out as I heard the clambering footsteps of the zombie that now had my gun. Even if I got up now I wouldn’t make it very far…

I needed to think.

Maybe I could play dead? Yeah! Yeah that could work- I stuck my tongue out and sprawled- as the lady walked up to me- she nudged my head harshly with the barrel of my gun- it took a lot of reserve not to make a sound.

But I forgot something really important.

Zombies don’t care if your dead or not.

She fell down on me and I screamed kicking screaming fighting as she clawed and bit- her teeth sunk into my arm and tore. I screamed- why did I still try and fight it? I don’t know, why do lemmings jump off cliffs to their death?

It didn’t matter. She overpowered me- by a lot and before I knew it she was cracking my skull like a coconut. The world faded to black and I laid sprawled out and bloodied in the grass- Definitely dead.

Now- hey- stop screaming; that’s rude. Never seen a storytelling zombie before? Well- that’s awkward.

And now I kinda gotta.

Yeahhhhh.

Yikes.

Sorry man-

I’m sure you’ll be fine.