“Sometimes as a paranormal investigator you see some wacky shit- but that’s just in the job description. I mean, any job you see that’s like ‘Wanna drag around this fucking massive camera to film ghosts that may or may not be real sometimes?’ Is going to be weird. I was okay with that. Until about five minutes ago. When that that doll spoke to us in a grown ass man’s voice and told me his name was…. uh… Derrick?”

“No-“

“shit… Dededede- deeeee-“

“Denis”

“THATS RIGHT!!! His name is Denis.”

“Denis, sounds like a fifty year old smoker- what’s he doing in this little girls toy?”

“I don’t know we should ask him.” I said, adjusting the view of my camera to focus on the creepy looking doll- before pointing it at the horrified but slightly annoyed face of my coworker- “Heres another episode of, Ghost hunting with Patricia and Martinnn. You can call her Patrick- but don’t tell her I said that- or she’s going to key my car again-“

“I can hear you dipshit- let’s get back to the doll.”

I sighed and pointed the camera back to Denis, before zooming in really close on his face. As Patricia asked a lot of typical boring questions for ghost hunters.

“How did you die? When did you die? Why are you in that body? What did you do to get put in here” Blahblah blah

Denis made a snorting sound and we both stumbled back as I kept my camera on him and he said, “It’s funny you think I’m the doll.”

Then a hand came out from under the bed and grabbed Patricia’s foot. I screamed and ran- I ignored the begging behind me. This job was too much for me and I had plenty of ghosts.

I went straight to the police.

They investigated the scene, but there were no signs of “Denis” anywhere. Though they found the mangled body of Patricia stuffed into a mattress- and I was the main suspect. My footage wasn’t enough.

In fact. My footage was blank. I was sent to a hospital for a mental evaluation, and I Never left.

The place burned to the ground over a century ago, the only thing that survived the blaze was a strange doll.

We have all seen those zombie movies right? The ones where the human race is wiped out by what is basically a bunch of psycho undead cannibals? Sometimes they walk really slow, sometimes they run, and sometimes they do this weird demonic crawl and bite the shit out of the protagonists ankles. Well, I’d hate to break the illusion, but that’s not what the zombie apocalypse is.

Let me describe a zombie to you.

Imagine with me for a second, Danny DeVito, with the brains of Albert Einstein’s left toe, covered top to bottom in mucus filled blisters. And there you have your typical zombie, the only thing their good at? Taking your brains.

Now, I know what your thinking “but zombies are supposed to be stupid!” And “that’s so fucking gross why would you describe them like that..” Well, first off because I wanted too, and second off they literally eat brains for a living. They steal your brain, eat it like a 49 year old man with a bag of Doritos, and then use what they learn to get wise.

Now that’s out of the way, I hear the questions now “How’d this start? How did this happen?” I don’t fucking know! I’m not a goddamn scientist, go read a book and get a degree in something and figure it out yourself! I’m trying to tell you a story- so sit your ass down and listen, no more questions.

My name is Mariah Rose Faith, and I am the coolest 14 year old you’ve ever met. I live in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, in a cabin on the edge of the woods I stole from some poor old dude. Don’t worry, he was very dead, I think.

The story isn’t about him. It’s about me.

One night there was some really loud knocking on the door, so of course, I ignored it and went back to sleep. Until that is, the door got knocked down and I had to shimmy my ass out the window. A zombie wandered into my room, taking a minute to study anything I left behind- including my gun- I glanced back into the window just in time for her to see me. Great. So cool.

What happened next is not in my top 10 coolest moments of all time.

I screamed and staggered backwards just in time for me to slip off the roof into the grass. Ow- I looked at the sky- my vision coming In and out as I heard the clambering footsteps of the zombie that now had my gun. Even if I got up now I wouldn’t make it very far…

I needed to think.

Maybe I could play dead? Yeah! Yeah that could work- I stuck my tongue out and sprawled- as the lady walked up to me- she nudged my head harshly with the barrel of my gun- it took a lot of reserve not to make a sound.

But I forgot something really important.

Zombies don’t care if your dead or not.

She fell down on me and I screamed kicking screaming fighting as she clawed and bit- her teeth sunk into my arm and tore. I screamed- why did I still try and fight it? I don’t know, why do lemmings jump off cliffs to their death?

It didn’t matter. She overpowered me- by a lot and before I knew it she was cracking my skull like a coconut. The world faded to black and I laid sprawled out and bloodied in the grass- Definitely dead.

Now- hey- stop screaming; that’s rude. Never seen a storytelling zombie before? Well- that’s awkward.

And now I kinda gotta.

Yeahhhhh. Yikes. Sorry man- I’m sure you’ll be fine.

101, 102, 103.

I knocked on the dark wooden door, bouncing on my feet. “Room Service-!” I called, slipping my key into the lock, unlocking the door as I stepped into the room. It seemed empty, how weird…the storm should’ve trapped everyone inside. Maybe they’re in the lobby, I guess I’ll just wait.

I walked into the kitchen to look at all the utensils, looking into the sink I picked up the black handled blade. How strange, did they bring this from home? I guess it’s mine now. I shoved it into my pocket, humming as I searched the rest of the room.

It sure did smell weird in here- like meat that had gone bad. I walked into the bedroom and oh my! What a mess- and there was someone sleeping on the bed- I tiptoed over and picked up the dirty wet clothes- putting them in a basket. That’s better- much cleaner. I looked at the person.

They must be a very sound sleeper, I walked over to pull the blanket over them. Their clothes were wet too- with a red sticky substance. I decided it was probably wine- I mean we did get a lot of wild teenagers In these parts.

Finally, after cleaning up the rest of the room I walked into the bathroom. Where the rotten meat smell was the harshest- gagging as I pulled the curtain back.

There was a teenager in the bathtub. Oh god. Oh my god.

I staggered backwards with a gagging sound- holy shit. I stared at the blood soaked bathtub- before I turned back to rush into the bedroom, running to the lady who was in the bed, yanking the blanket off her.

That was not wine. I stared at it and backed up again- before a man spoke, standing in the doorway.

“Did you not see the do not disturb sign on the door.”

His voice was deep, grizzly, I stared at him in horror as he walked towards me- I inched back- digging in my pockets for….. There it is. When he went to put his arms on me I lunged forward with the sharp blade I found in his sink- his eyes widening as he dropped to the floor and looked at the woman on the bed. He looked terrified- I smiled. It always went this way.

I clicked my tongue as I rushed to the phone by the bedside, “Security! Security help-! This man- he attacked me….! Please hurry-“ As security arrived the dragged the man away and I was brought to be interviewed, they always asked the same questions- who were the victims, how long they had been staying, what i had seen, heard, done. My answers were always similar “I don’t know- I’m just the maid- I- I walked in and they were dead- I found that knife in the kitchen- I- I was lucky I was able to defend myself”

Works like a charm. I was eventually able to leave the motel once the storm cleared, I searched the map for the next one marked on the map. Folding my outfit and putting it in the back of my van. I smiled as I got into the drivers seat.

Maybe next time I will be caught, or not? Who knows.