*TRIGGER WARNING ❗️ *

I blinked slowly, my eyes stinging from my elongated stare. As if the letters on my screen would change after a period of time.

Slowly, I took in the words infront of me. The insults, name calling, and assumptions.

Last night I decided to take a different course of my life, do something spontaneous. I had always had a passion for embodying others, dressing up, face paint. I wanted to go one step further.

I recorded my self proclaimed masterpiece and posted it on YouTube, impulsively.

Never did I expect the attention that it would bring. Thousands of people watching a clip no more than 3 minutes long.

I just wanted to express myself, be my authentic self. But as my eyes took in every letter, of every word commented underneath, my heart shattered.

Albeit there was plenty of positivity, many feeling they understood my perspective, and take on life.

Others, well. Others were not so kind.

My mind raced, my heart in my eardrums.

I couldn’t help but feel tears prick at my eyes.

Was I really all these things people said about me? And if not, how could complete strangers be so cruel.

I felt it slipping in again, my mind spiralling into the dark places I had worked tremendously hard to free myself from.

‘Maybe they’re right’ growled the voice in my head.

‘You are only embarrassing yourself’ It hissed once more.

Trembling, I manoeuvred my fingers across my screen, hesitating for only a moment over the delete button.

My heart sunk, for a moment when I had posted my video of expression I felt so free, not commanded by social norms or people’s expectations. Pure bliss.

But now all I felt was pure raging self loathing, twisting it’s fateful hands around my throat as I felt the air escaping my lungs, pre panic attack.

Attempting to steady my breathing I curled up tightly into a ball, knees up to my chest.

‘You know you want to’ my intrusive thoughts whispering to me, almost able to feel the breath from these callous words.

I had done so well, 5 months without it, the longest I had ever been.

Sighing deeply to myself, I wrestled with my own restraint.

This pain, this sheer embarrassment I felt, going over the things people had typed about me, their words stinging me like fine needles on a nettle.

It was too much to bare.

‘Just once, just once then il stop’ I felt tears spill over my cheeks as I realised I had given in to my self soothing urges.

Self destruction was clearly in my nature, to parade myself over the internet and make such a fool of myself.

Slowly, I got up from my seat and took myself upstairs, entering my bedroom i stopped for a moment. Staring down and the wooden box I detested so much.

‘I don’t have to do this, I was doing so well’ I couldn’t help the sob that escaped me whilst I argued with myself in my head.

I found myself kneeling infront of my hidden release, my forbidden coping mechanism.

As quickly as the thoughts began, they stopped.

I let out a sigh, tears continuing to stream.

Feeling the cool blade across my skin, shadowing any pain you would expect.

For those few seconds, my video didn’t matter, nothing mattered.

A few moments went by as I continued to sit and stare down at my arm. Realisation flooding me as I realised the true seriousness of what I had done. I had relapsed, after 5 months I had succumbed to my urges again.

The self loathing was back, rampant and more aggressive than ever before.

In that moment I made a silent vow to myself.

I would start seeing my therapist again, and until I was ready I would stay as far away from social media as possible.

But the heaviest part of this solemn swear, the part I wished to stick to the most; I would do my best to be kind to myself.

❤️