Dear Mr. Turtle,

THIS WHOLE THING IS RIDICULOUS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

It’s going on three years since your mother’s funeral. This whole waiting thing is ridiculous! It’s not all yours! We got our distribution completed in a matter of weeks. All divided among five siblings. Clean. Smooth. Done. And we all got along after.

Oh, I almost forgot, one sibling did get ousted from grandma’s will due to his marijuana-induced inpulses to not follow through on important responsibilities that hurt the family and landed him in jail for a whole year. He even had to see a psychiatrist for a time. That’s what I’ve heard.

But anyway, with us, nothing got mismanaged. And when it was done. The distribution. It was done. Everyone received their share. No fuss, no mas! Stop moving slow like a turtle.

Time is going by and your poor sister is being held hostage (metaphorically speaking) by you witholding her rightful inheritance. You haven’t sent her one report as you are legally required to do. If you’re not going to make him a Ward oF The State, just serve him with an eviction notice and sell his abode with a partition action. Have the sheriff serve him and the house guests. Or you could serve by publication. Be quick about it! No delays.

Your sister is tired of waiting and has been more than patient. It looks as if you are waiting for her to die and want all the money for yourself.

If you don’t take action in the next 30 days, you will leave her no choice but to take legal action against you. Beyond that, you and you attorney could be brought up on criminal charges. I’ve been told. Things could get ugly.

Anyway, since we haven’t seen you since we were kids, we (all your cousins and other extended family) have decided to have a 3-day family reunion in our grand parents’ home town of St. George, Utah this Fourth of July. All the relatives will be there and we would love to see you!

Love Your Cousin,

Cash

P.S. I’m currently living in Opalika, AL and have invested the past 10 years in the janitorial arts. Most of my large inheritance is gone.