I often think about how you are, how far you are, and if you’re happy with your choice. Are you happy? Everyone claims, “Oh, he’s in a better place,” while holding my shoulder, with a sympathetic smile.

Everytime I seem to mention him, it’s still a sad concept. With a hard pat on the back, they say, “It’ll get easier with time.” Ok, but when?

When will I stop having tears in my eyes at the mere mention of his name? When will I forget the painful memories, and the guilt that it’s my fault?

He told me he loved me romantically for 2 years, and finally confessed to me over a damn discord message at 11PM on a Wednesday night.

Memories like that, still make me smile. His goofy laugh, and messy hair when we would talk over face time. His lazy habits and contagious smile. His comfortable shoulder, always ready for me to cry on. I miss him so much.

He’s gone though. Somewhere in the stars, or above the clouds, I’m not sure. There are so many concepts of where we go after death. Some believe there’s a higher being that creates this world.

Others believe that the world started with a big bang. Life is so complicated and complex. The concept of life and death vary too much from person to person. There is no for sure answer to where we go.

I hope, he is happy, if there’s an afterlife. I pray, he’s not suffering with his choice. I wish, he would have waited to part from this reality, with me.

I can’t change what happened. I don’t have the answers. The millions of questions I ask myself everyday. But the question I’ve asked myself the most, is if I could have done anything to make him stay?

Millions of questions. Would my presence have changed anything? Would the simple gesture of an extra hug, or an extra shoulder to cry on, would have changed your mind? What if the events of the previous day had changed. Would your heart still be stopped? I wonder what your last thoughts were. What transpired that morning. How long did you have a plan? Was it on impulse? Was there some kind of thought that crossed your mind, that if you would’ve pondered on, just a moment more, would you have stayed with me?

You’re irreplaceable. In almost every conversation I have with friends, I see you. I hear you. I picture you there with me. Beside me. I didn’t know what I truly had, until you were gone.

The world has continued on without you. It’s been 1 winter, a long spring, a boring summer, and another fall, without you. So many people go on about their lives, not knowing what the world losses that day.

November 7th, in 2023, at 2:43 p.m., your heart stopped, and you were pronounced dead. The image of your name on that grave, will forever haunt me. 18 days after your 16th birthday, you were gone. Now I’m 17, and alone without you.