Nothing feels real anymore. Everything I do ends up in me being hurt, and destroyed with whatever mistake I made that time. Because there’s always at least one thing I did wrong to make me feel this much pain.

Usually, it’s little things like having an argument with a close friend, or falling over and having a small cut on my leg. Other times it’s more severe; like this time, for instance. Even those times it was small, I was still the one who managed to make me end up in the situations- I was a curse that can only be broken by the miracle of one of my plans going right.

This time though, I don’t know whether I can recover, not just from the pain but from the utter embarrassment I still feel after the incident.

Amelia has been my friend for years; we’ve never really been extremely close, but we have mutual friends and talk sometimes. However, whenever we talk I feel like we have a strong, powerful connection- sort of like a magnet which draws us together. I know it sounds cheesy but it’s the only way to describe it; we have so much in common it’s like we’re the same person.

One day I decided I would tell her how I felt, and I planned to pull her aside that day so we were alone. But then I found out she had a boyfriend.

She was holding onto his arm as we all walked, me, Amelia, Eric (her boyfriend) and five others. I decided I wasn’t going to pull her aside; besides, she had a boyfriend so she wouldn’t feel the same way. But the more I walked, the more I realised I needed to get it off my chest.

Pulling her aside was a task in itself. It was like she was attached to Eric, and she couldn’t let go. Eventually, I was able to get her to come and talk to me without Eric really knowing, because that would be a disaster in itself. I was getting tired anyway, so I thought if all goes terribly wrong, I had the option of walking back home.

So it happened. I expressed and opened myself up to her, and she was left speechless. She was shocked and so surprised. I didn’t know what to do. So I left. Walked away from the problem like always.

Basically it ended in total disaster. I always declined the offers my friends gave me of going out with them, and it got to the point where they just stopped asking. I became isolated and never really talked to anyone anymore; she was still part of that group and I didn’t want to make things worse. And now, here I am, recalling the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life. So far anyway. My life’s just full of mistakes.