I inhaled as I faced him, allowing myself to gather the thoughts that seemed so distant to me now. My hands danced, like a sequence that had no end, the tremors constant, a reminder of how nervous I truly was. But it was now or never. ‘Josh.’ I exhaled, ‘I like you. I’ve been about you since I met you. For the longest time, I know, it’s always been you. My confession has been limited for so long, as the guilt I felt overwhelmed me. Almost as if I was drowning within it, the sheer force enough to pull me under, further and further away from the truth. You were in a year long relationship, and all I could ever think about was you. She was my friend Josh, and my mind constantly replayed the image of you, the touch and the feel. You.’ ‘Yeah, there were other guys, you and I know; I don’t think I ever actually liked them. I just loved the idea of a distraction, I loved the idea of being invested into someone that I knew would no longer haunt me with this feeling, this feeling that I was in the wrong. Yet, now, I know that nobody was ever close to replacing you.’ ‘For once, i’m being selfish. Months upon months, I have been trapped, confined to a friendship riddled with toxicity. Their benefit was never in doubt. NEVER. I lost everything; you. I lost myself.’ ‘Be that as it may; Josh, look at me now. I realised I was enough. Now, the people that surround me, support me no matter what. They altered their lives for my happiness. That is real friendship. A concept i’ve never known before. Not only that, but they brought me back to you.’ ‘You and I both know how much i’ve suffered, fuck, Josh, I didn’t want to come to school. I was scared, I was vulnerable, I was lost. So now, i’ve used every ounce of strength and confidence I have, in order to tell you...’ ‘I love you. Okay. I never did stop loving you’
My eyes hung heavy, the weight of exhaustion threatening to close them; yet, as the sound of a hulking body alerted me,the attachment to the darkness had been discarded. The figure was masked-head to toe- with broad shoulders and a stocky build, I assumed my confiner was male. Panic had struck-but- the wave of intelligence I was blessed with, in circumstances of danger, came crashing at full force. If this man attempted to kill me, for reasons I was unclear of- I prayed my skill would save me. Confidence was to be a key part of the plan I had conducted-any signs of fear, or worry would simply add to the vulnerability I harnessed, and my aim was to implement guilt. Not to strengthen his motive. I had already analysed the room, for anything I could use as a makeshift weapon. Yet, providing me with several obstacles, was the fact my hands were tied, alongside my ability to move being restricted. ‘Are you going to kill me?’ I questioned, the silence beforehand, uncomfortably sinister. Stiffly, he turned to face me. I glanced a look at the knife that he fiddled with, the metal dazzled, despite the lack of light-only emphasising the knife’s presence. The question remained unanswered, so I continued. ‘Well? Are you? Or are you going to carry on playing with that like a child?’I held my breath as a swift movement resulted in a cold sensation against my throat. The blade, partially, only seconds away from drawing blood.However,the knot my hands remained tied in, was clumsily made. My fingers, easily accessing the rope, fought against the confinement. With each second, I felt the pain grow stronger, as a drop of blood fell atop my lap, alongside this though, the rope was beginning to loosen. ‘I’m waiting.’ I managed to whisper. ‘You best shut up before I cut your throat child’ he snarled, despite being hidden, I could feel the warmth of his breath against my cheek. Repulsed, I arched my head, able to note the rope, fallen on the floor. Acting as a distraction to the slight noise, I stifled a cough, angling my head to face closer toward where his hand rested. ‘Try a double knot next time’ I smirked, as I bit down against his skin, causing him to fall back in shock. His demeanour diminished as he stumbled against the floor. In a matter of seconds I had secured the candlestick from the fireplace, the object I had considered previously. I just hoped it would be enough.
Flashing lights. An array of different colours illuminated my face, highlighting my profound beauty, the aspect I was notorious for. I had the public wrapped around my palm, the absent-minded, gullible media playing a credible part to the success of my career. The world had seemed so easy back then, almost as if you could get away with anything, The one thing that the public didn’t know- was that I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. At the beginning, it was easy to control. The condition was incredibly minute-subsequent to the concealment. For years upon years, my secrecy needn’t of been questioned-only someone withholding impeccable intelligence may have been able to conclude something was different. It wasn’t a problem. The spotlight clung to me like a disease. Ironic, regarding the actual disease that followed, the symptoms slowly becoming clearer day by day. It wasn’t until I married that the fear grew. He was an average, respectable man who fitted my persona well. I liked him. Love was too hard to conquer, however. It was inexplicable to me, to even forge any vague understanding to what love meant. As the disease grew stronger, my ability to conduct any emotion became weaker. People began to suspect something was off- gradually. My lack of empathy being the catalyst to this reaction. I was frequently questioned about the devastating world events; almost psychotically, I could not dispense any monumental speech for how much sympathy I felt. For quite simply, I felt none. My fame began to simmer as I became a controversial character- I couldn’t say I was disliked, I think people were just worried. For me. Yet, on the eve of a cool October night, I grew accustomed to that worry too. They came in the morning-red and blue-flashing lights.
Delicate seams hung, lonesome, fragile, frayed. It appeared the stitches that had once woven a warmth, so comforting, had now turned cold. All the memories held captive by the simple bounds of cotton, were now being released, alongside the grief within me. I had worn you with pride. I had shown you the world. I gave a part of me to you. This little movie of ours- it’s denouement- was agonising. What was left of our tale now but loose threads? Something I had held so close to my heart, seemed to be the only thing breaking it apart. It was trying to piece itself back together- just as I had tried to save this pathetic rag from tearing apart. Completely. Golden hues had once coated your surface; but, the treasure had been found a long time ago. Just like love-ours in fact-there comes a time where value declines, what once was my most beloved possession-was now my deepest regret. The smell of you still managed to linger,barely, but it was enough to repulse me. For what use did this scrap have now? Remembering your touch, letting go of your grasp through the torn threads in my hand- this. This was my hardest goodbye.
Though she did not speak, I saw every ounce of unpleasantness and anxiety wash over her. The threatening tone that came with the vexatious questions was a replicant, for the inauspicious imagery of ominous, dark cloud gathering. My eyes darted from several faces, the overcrowding within the stall amplifying presaging disaster. Yet, I became flummoxed. Bewildered. As the words so effortlessly escaped her, almost as if the impending danger was a mere hallucination. It appeared the onlookers gawped too- the assertiveness and boldness that had found her tongue wrote a miraculous tale of self-dependence and acceptance. The villainous sneer that had costed the mouth of the orator disappeared instantaneously- as, still, the flow and beauty that had been masked by a vulnerable facade- had been freed. There comes a time where you have to decide a moment in which you possessed a sincere amount of appreciation and desire for someone. That was now. Her confidence remained unmatched, her true self flourished accordingly, her bravery debuted. A beginning for a beautiful story of self-love blossomed today. I had never felt prouder.
