A lump formed in my throat, tears welling in the corner of my eyes at the scene before me. This was real, reality, my reality. And he was gone, going to go. If the suitcase in his hand was any indication of his decision, before he’d even told me, before… we even talked.

I feel like an idiot, I showed up to his home, and of course he’d let me in, but it was so empty, and devoid of the life that resided here. He was talking to me, but I wasn’t hearing him. I saw his lips moving, but I could only take in the scene before me, the suitcase, the empty living room.

“So you’ve decided you’re going to go?” I asked, not missing the waver in my voice and I’m sure he’d heard it as well, I could feel my lip trembling, my heart beating rapidly in my chest, I heard a crack, though I suppose that was just my heart.

I looked into his chocolate brown eyes as he looked into mine, my left arm holding my right, recoiling from any space he was closing between us.

“I have to, for my family, and I know work will be better over there. But I haven’t been there for my family as much as I’ve wanted to and now I have the chance and I’m going to take it.” He told me, his voice was soft and warm, rolling over my body in a sort of calmness.

A small smile pulled at the corner of my lips. He was so family oriented, and the way he treated his little siblings or other little kids he saw in public, well, I’d never wanted kids before but with this man… I could definitely give it a thought for him. I know he wants kids.

I nod and lowered my head to the wooden floor, this was his last bag that’s going in the moving truck. And I thought if coming over here, I could’ve reversed everything. How naïve.

“I know. And I’m happy for you, you deserve this and I know you love your family. As long as you’re happy.” It was true, I wanted him to be happy, but I also wanted him to be with me.

But I was only a chapter in his life, a very short one, I’ve only been in his life for - what? - six months at this point? And while we’ve talked about how attracted we are to each other, his family has been in his life forever. And he can’t love a person who isn’t as family oriented as he is.

“I love you.” I felt a tear spill down my cheek.

I reminisced over his hands on me, my skin, how he’d hold me, touch me, sleeping with me, besides me. Goosebumps prickled at my skin at themere thought of his hands, how he treated me, take me out and pay for me. Escort me. I long for his arms around me, his lips on mine.

“I thought we weren’t doing love,” it was a joke, he was trying to make me feel better. Even now, with the mourning of the room, he was trying to make me feel better.

You see, it wasn’t supposed to end like this. It was purely physical, we were attracted to each other, but we couldn’t be together. I wasn’t ready and… I’m a terrible person. Ha… I was with someone…

I must’ve been too silent for his liking because in one swift step, he was close to me. He lifted my chin to meet my eyes once more, “Bri… we weren’t supposed to go this far. I’m sorry, but it was purely physical, what we were doing. I want you to move on from me. I’m gonna be five states away and we can’t make that work.”

I felt his words cutting the last strands of my heart. I thought.. I thought for sure that he loved me, that after a while of doing things with each other, he’d accidentally fallen with me as well. I heard the thump of my heart as it fell with each echo of his words, twirling around my mind.

“Right, no, you’re right. I’m sorry. Um,” I wiped the tears from my eyes, blinking back more tears and looking around the empty room, with a deep breath to bring myself back.

He was right, I’ve ruined a life, and perhaps my own for him, but we weren’t even supposed to make it physical. I couldn’t help myself, after nine months of absolutely nothing from my partner, my partner always shutting down and not even talking to me when I’ve tried to talk to the issue and his promises ringing my mind…

“I’m sorry, you’re right. You were always going to go. You need to go, even. Uh, I’m gonna.. gonna go. Stop bugging you. Right. Um. I’m sorry.” My words were tumbling as I looked down and without looking back, walked to my car, unlocking it.

I wanted to hear him call for me, to feel him on me one last time, it felt cruel to have the sun so bright, the grass so green, the sky so blue, the sidewalk so clean, when I could feel myself shutting down, my skin feeling numb.

I was sitting in my car, looking out, staring at the scenery of houses and scattered trees and flowerbeds. I wanted to drive off, but I couldn’t. I felt stuck, and I watched the sun pinken the sky as it set behind clouds and the promise of another night rise.