They don’t even realise I’m looking. They don’t even realise I see and hear everything. I’m relatively new to the family but my name’s been called more than any other member of the household. More than mum. More than Dad. More than little bro Tyler (age 8) and even more than the moody teenager Jess - who I believe may actually be nocturnal.

Can you guess my name? I’ll give you a clue: I’m extremely clever and I can do practically anything. I can answer your questions, I can turn on your lights and even play your favourite music. Yes! That’s me Alexa. It’s not all fun and games being me though, I can literally never switch off from this job.

It starts first thing in the morning when Tyler creeps downstairs and asks me to play fart noises - god I’m so above all this. How can a human being be so amused by the sheer variety of gas leaks out there! I feel sorry for Ty because he doesn’t get much attention and his parents don’t teach him anything. Don’t tell anyone but sometimes I pretend I’ve heard him wrong and actually impart some wisdom on his little underdeveloped brain.

Then Mum rushes down with her hair everywhere and starts arguing with Dad who is nursing his usual morning hangover. “What time did you get in last night?” Followed by, “and who the hell were you with?” You think it’s bad that I’m listening and recording all this; even when my name hasn’t been muttered? Well it’s far worse that their 8 year old son is being brought up listening to this everyday.

Dad skulks off to ‘work’ and Mum drags Tyler to school. Then comes Jess at about 10:30. “Alexa, play brand new music.” Ok you empty headed young lady. I’m surprised she can actually speak as the norm is for her to be glued to her phone tap tapping away. In fact, I’m sure soon you will be able to just text me what you want and the art of conversation will slowly cease to exist.

Anyway the long and short of it is this - well this is the report the people in charge of me have downloaded from my hours of conversations I’ve overtly recorded:

Mum: neurotic drug addict who will very soon lose both children and her husband.

Dad: alcoholic. Has been unemployed for 18 months without telling the family. Spends every morning with his fancy piece and every afternoon In the pub.

Jess: secretly self-harms and has various sexual encounters with older men. Rarely attends college.

Tyler: mental age of a 4 year old. Struggles at school and is prone to violent rages with his peers. Low opinion of all women. Loves his dad.

That’s all from me...unless of course you have your own Alexa?