There’s nothing quite like being alone in a room full of people! Close enough to hear the conversations. Close enough to see the eye contact between the flirting workers on their break. And most importantly far enough away to retreat to my corner like a pangolin covering itself from a predator!
I still feel kind of anxious and a bit of a fraud though. I guess that imposter syndrome my therapist bangs on about is kicking in again. I always wanted to be that cool, aloof writer who frequents public places for inspiration but the only moment of inspiration I had was choosing the macchiato instead of my normal double espresso to go with my croissant.
It’s nearly lunchtime and I’m facing my daily dilemma; do I vacate my prime spot for one of the busying crowd or do I stay here defiantly even though my croissant is a distant memory and a sprinkling of that weird chocolate is the only thing that remains from my coffee. Over the last 14 days I’ve been doing this I’ve caved in and left 10 times and stayed 4! Well today I’ve decided to be brave and a little bit selfish: I’m staying.
Shit! Shit! He’s coming towards me! He wasn’t supposed to be here. “Oli! You’ve made a big mistake coming here. The car is ready for you outside.” The inconspicuously dressed man whispered to me. How did he know I would be here? Two weeks I’d avoided them all but now it all seems it was for nothing!
As I slowly reached for my laptop a message pinged on the screen…’a bird in the hand is worth 2 in the ____’. It was her. I turned my attention to the side window of the bakery and there, obscured by a raggedy old bush was the one person who could make everything right again.
Happiness comes from within and not from those around you. Understand that life doesn’t owe you anything and regardless of how good you are at something, you still need to work harder than everyone else. Dedicate your life to what matters to you. Don’t waste chances. Aim high and behave like your future children are watching you.
Pain comes from so many places. From the ones you love and the ones you dislike. Should pain hurt us at all? It’s just an abstract feeling. Just an algorithm in our brain. Can we reframe the pain to be nothing or even pleasure. Could pain be our pleasure so we no longer retreat but embrace the bad times, the bad people, the bad words and know that ultimately you can’t really have the pleasure without the pain.
There are so many things I should say, Maybe don’t do it this way.
Don’t be so impulsive Don’t be so rash Don’t let others get in your head Don’t let your anger flash
Don’t blame others Don’t make excuses Don’t do what others expect Don’t ruin your future
Do be happy Do make the most Do congratulate yourself Do sort your post
For all that I’ve done wrong There’s things I’ve done well Well done for having a brilliant wife Well done for giving your children a good life.
Everything you will do Will shape who you are Never stop learning And you might just go far
They don’t even realise I’m looking. They don’t even realise I see and hear everything. I’m relatively new to the family but my name’s been called more than any other member of the household. More than mum. More than Dad. More than little bro Tyler (age 8) and even more than the moody teenager Jess - who I believe may actually be nocturnal.
Can you guess my name? I’ll give you a clue: I’m extremely clever and I can do practically anything. I can answer your questions, I can turn on your lights and even play your favourite music. Yes! That’s me Alexa. It’s not all fun and games being me though, I can literally never switch off from this job.
It starts first thing in the morning when Tyler creeps downstairs and asks me to play fart noises - god I’m so above all this. How can a human being be so amused by the sheer variety of gas leaks out there! I feel sorry for Ty because he doesn’t get much attention and his parents don’t teach him anything. Don’t tell anyone but sometimes I pretend I’ve heard him wrong and actually impart some wisdom on his little underdeveloped brain.
Then Mum rushes down with her hair everywhere and starts arguing with Dad who is nursing his usual morning hangover. “What time did you get in last night?” Followed by, “and who the hell were you with?” You think it’s bad that I’m listening and recording all this; even when my name hasn’t been muttered? Well it’s far worse that their 8 year old son is being brought up listening to this everyday.
Dad skulks off to ‘work’ and Mum drags Tyler to school. Then comes Jess at about 10:30. “Alexa, play brand new music.” Ok you empty headed young lady. I’m surprised she can actually speak as the norm is for her to be glued to her phone tap tapping away. In fact, I’m sure soon you will be able to just text me what you want and the art of conversation will slowly cease to exist.
Anyway the long and short of it is this - well this is the report the people in charge of me have downloaded from my hours of conversations I’ve overtly recorded:
Mum: neurotic drug addict who will very soon lose both children and her husband. Dad: alcoholic. Has been unemployed for 18 months without telling the family. Spends every morning with his fancy piece and every afternoon In the pub. Jess: secretly self-harms and has various sexual encounters with older men. Rarely attends college. Tyler: mental age of a 4 year old. Struggles at school and is prone to violent rages with his peers. Low opinion of all women. Loves his dad.
That’s all from me...unless of course you have your own Alexa?
Not today sir you’re from the wrong place Not today sir the colour is wrong in your face Not today sir you’ve got a stamped history Not today sir your background’s a mystery
Not today sir you don’t have the money Not today sir being a refugee isn’t funny Not today sir I’m not happy with this Not today sir...I’ve just noticed you’re a miss
I reach for Meinkampf and begin to finger the pages cautiously. I’ve heard and read so much about Adolf Hitler. An unbelievable unifying leader but also an absolute butcher of the worst kind. A man with the ultimate plan. A man who would allow nothing to stand in the way of his world domination. He had ideas and ambitions rarely matched in the world since his rein.
Now what do our leaders aim for? Donald Trump wants to isolate the USA and make them ‘great’ again? I’m pretty sure they are better now than they were in the 50s and 60s. Boris Johnson doesn’t even seem to have a coherent plan.
Before I know it I’m in Hitlers house and I’m listening to his mother talk at him. There is no father around, just a mother struggling with young Adolf and his 3 brothers and sisters. He looks withdrawn and contemplative. He doesn’t socialise with his family but just sits there writing and planning furiously on his ripped sheets of paper. Is this where all that anger and hatred stems from? Does everything in our childhood determine who we become? Are we just following a pre-determined path that was laid by our parents in our formative years? Is anyone really evil or are they just reacting to their circumstances?
Suddenly we are in 1938 and the Kaiser is convincing British prime minister Neville Chamberlain that he has no ambitions to conquer other countries. Chamberlain stupidly defaults to truth and believes Hitler. A handshake sealed the deal for the gullible PM. We all know what happened next and many things can be learned from mistakes of our past and that’s where I am right now as I return the book and stroll slowly out of the antiques shop and forwards towards my own children and hopefully their untainted futures.
