We met in biology class. 2 weeks after school started. I didn’t even notice you at first. Then my friend Lilly told me about the new Australian guy at school. She said he had long brown hair and he was in our first period. The next few days I watched. I listened to you talk and I thought you seemed cool. I really wanted to get to know you, but I’m not exactly known for my social skills. One day, I decided to talk to you. Well, it wasn’t really a choice. It was more of a random impulse. I looked at you as I walked out of biology and said “G’day mate.” You looked at me and laughed. What a great laugh. It was a laugh I would learn to love. A few hours later I walked past your lunch table. Again I said “G’day mate.” Without missing a beat you replied “G’day.” This went on for the next few days. Me saying “G’day mate.” And you saying it back. I hated that I couldn’t get to you. One day I ran into you as we were leaving school at the end of the day. I chuckled yet another “G’day mate.” And you said it back. But you seemed hesitant this time, so I paused. You looked at your feet all nervous and said, “is there anyway I can contact you?” I was utterly shocked. ‘Was he… flirting with me? No. He probably just wanted to text me how much he hates me…. Right?’ I thought. So I gave you my instagram. I had only gotten instagram a few weeks before and I was so glad how the timing worked out.

So we spend a few days messaging back and forth about whatever. Before a week had passed we had admitted to liking each other. We said we missed each other. We had a 4 day weekend and I gave you a note right before it began. We texted a lot that weekend. When we got back you gave me a note in return. It was so cute. I still have the note. One day we were texting and you said you loved me. I got scared. I ignored it. Then later on I told you I wasn’t ready for that yet. We barely knew each other after all.

I remember when you called me for the first time. I was standing in the living room by the TV stand. I saw your call and I freaked out. I never liked phone calls but I didn’t want to seem rude. So I picked up. I was too scared to say anything. I squeaked out a “Hi.” And we honestly didn’t talk much after that. We just kept laughing and saying ‘mhmmm.’ It’s really random but, I kinda love that memory.

We decided we wanted to hang out in person. I went to your house that Sunday. I met your grandparents, we ate dinner, and I played with your dogs. Chandler and Hawkeye. They were the cutest. We were hanging out in your room. Sitting side by side on your bed and just talking. We both paused and looked at each other. I started to reach out for your hand. When suddenly you grabbed mine and kissed me. It was a small kiss. A little peck. But it was perfect. It was the best kiss I’d ever had. After that you said you loved me. And this time, I said it back. I didn’t really believed that you loved me, but I knew at that moment that I loved you. Then you asked if we could be official. And I said yes.

A few days later in school we traded jackets in class. I never wanted to take that jacket off. It was so warm and it smelled like you. And it was such a nice smell.

A few weeks later we went to homecoming together. That was the day you found out that I SH’d. I didn’t want you to find out that way. I’m sorry you had to. Thank you for not leaving me then. I went in the bathroom and cried for a while. When I came back you were sitting with your friends. I sat by mine for a bit and then went and sat by you. I tried to hold your hand. You didn’t want to at first. I started crying and you noticed. You finally held my hand. I felt bad. I felt sorry. I’m sorry I put you through that. We were sitting there when a slow song came on. I had told you my whole plan for when a slow song came on. I squeezed your hand and looked at you. You know what I meant. You took a deep breath and stood up. You grabbed my arm a little to tight and walked me to the dance floor. You let go of my arm and stepped back to look at me. Then you wrapped me in the biggest tightest hug I’d ever felt. You said you loved me and I said it back. Then we slow danced. Then we kissed. I initiated the kiss. It took me a minute to work up the courage. But you were patient with me. It was a good kiss. The best kiss.

Then there was the time we went swimming in your pool. You wore a T-shirt cause you were self conscious. I wore a bikini top and I was self conscious too. You still told me I looked good though. When my little sister wasn’t looking we made out in the pool. It was my first time ever making out with anyone. After swimming we ate dinner. I was so cold I was shivering. So you gave me your jacket. We hung out in your room for a bit and you helped warm me up. Then we took our first picture together. Me in my swim trunks, bikini top, and you’re jacket. And you in your swim trunks and t-shirt I kept hoping you’d take off. You made that picture your Lock Screen. That made me feel so special.

So we hung out. We went to your house. We went to my house. We played Minecraft. We fed the animals together. We ran around outside. We went for walks. We hugged. We kissed. We made out. But most importantly, we had fun.

One day we were at your house and you started acting weird. You seemed like you were gonna cry and I really got worried about you. You stood up and then fell back onto the bed. I lied next to you and rubbed your back to try and make you feel better. Suddenly you said “stand up.” I sat up. You said “I said stand.” In a kind of scary voice. I listened. Then you stood up and hugged me so tight. Even tighter than you did at homecoming. Then we sat down and you told me your secret. You cried and I hugged you. I told you it was okay. I told you it didn’t make a difference. I told you that I loved you for you. No matter what. And I meant it.

We had some good days. We had some bad days. It was all worth it.

In the beginning of December I had a really tough day. I hurt myself. And I felt so guilty. So I called you. And I told you what I did. Well, I texted you what I did. Then you started crying. And so did I. I hate that I hurt you. I never wanted to do that again. After that I went almost 4 months clean. But I didn’t tell you the next time I slipped up. Cause that was when things started to go wrong.

On march 6th I was at my grandpas house when you told me you wanted a ‘break.’ I didn’t really understand what was wrong. You agreed to take a break for a week and then revisit things. Our little ‘break’ was over the next day. The next week you didn’t tell me that you loved me back when I said I loved you. That hurt worse than I knew a person could hurt.

March 10th was our 6 month anniversary. We were supposed to hang out. It was supposed to be a great day. But you forgot our anniversary. You cancelled hanging out. You ignored me all day. And my baby rabbit died on top of that.

But things only got worse.

On march 25th you broke up with me. That lasted 2 days.

But on April 10th you did it again. And that time was different. That time you said you wanted to stay friends. But you barely talked to me. That time I cried more than I thought a person could cry. That time I told my mom. I sobbed in her arms and told her over and over how much I loved you. That time it really broke my heart.

But after about a week, we were back together again. With a commitment that we would try to fix things. And we did. Things got better. Of course things weren’t perfect. We’re stupid teenagers. Things were never gonna be perfect. But they were good. We were happy. I began to learn to trust you. I shared more about myself with you. I started to try to believe you when you told me you loved me.

In June one day we were hanging out. We were cuddling on my couch and you were looking adorable and sweet. You were looking at me with those eyes. Those eyes that said a million words. You told me that you loved me. And for some reason, lying there with your head on my chest, I believed you. I finally believed you. I had been trying for so long and I finally did. I hugged you so tight. You made your cute little scrunch face. The one you did when you thought about how much you loved me.

But as the weeks went by things got weird. You payed less attention to me. And while I was on vacation you only seemed to text me when you wanted something. And that made me feel really shitty. But I didn’t give up on you. It was hard for me to do but I told you. I got myself to tell you how I was feeling. I said it differently than I meant to, but at least I said it. You deleted some of your games. You said you’d pay more attention to me. And… I think you tried to.

July began. I got back from our trip. We hung out. And I gave you a gift. It was nothing much. A teddy bear I bought you from the gift shop in Indiana. You thanked me and fell asleep on the teddy bear. You looked so cute and peaceful lying there. So relaxed. You held my hand as you rested and I swear I fell in love with you all over again.

But as we were leaving the house you told me to keep the bear. That you didn’t want it. I dont know why it hurt me as much as it did. I think for some reason when you rejected the bear, it felt like you were rejecting me. So when we went to ice cream with my family I stayed quiet. I didn’t tell you how much I loved you when we dropped you off that night. I’m so sorry I didn’t say it. I was thinking it. I was just hurting and trying to protect myself from more hurt.

You barely talked to me the rest of the week. And then you broke up with me. Over text. You told me there was someone else. You told me I wasn’t enough to make you happy anymore. I’m so sorry.

I love you. Forever.

❤️Rowan

(Yours)