Andrew Brown

My Life Pt.1

By Terry Salmon

11/29/24

Ever since around the age of three,

I was shown what it meant to be,

betrayed be my family.

A slave to a twisted fucked up reality,

receiving beatings from my alcoholic father daily.

Driving my innocent mind crazy,

breaking me, obliterating me, crushing my soul,

shattering me.

Victimizing me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually bruising my body,

Mind, heart and soul!

Eternally keeping me from ever being whole.

My mother a ghost in my house, unconditional love replaced with unconditional remorse.

While she sits idly by and ignores,

My screams remain unheard.

While I drag my body across the floor,

Trying to make it the safety of my room.

Never knew my safe place was a fucking tomb!

I remember 5 years old!

My dad holding me to the wall by my throat.

Repeatedly punching and slapping me in the face, all I could ever do was choke.

Everyone watched as he would knock out my teeth, and no one gave a fuck as long as I still breathed!

I also had a brother and sister too, if you could call them that. Fucking Rats!

They’d lie and say I did something I didn’t, Conniving bitches!

Making sure it never stops raining fists,

As my mind begins to bend,, twist,

It seems the only way, to end this.

A bloodletting of the wrists,

The torture persists, as the rotting stench

of hate, permeates and echoes through my vertebrae.

Always knowing that I’m ok,

Am I ok? As I percolate through the decay.

I’d rather be a forgotten tombstone than a walking nightmare,

Secrets from under the dirt, a sirens call, death-eternal rest filtering the air!

With my fucking epitaph clear,

I’ll shed every Goddamn tear,

For the life I once lived, full of worry and fear.

This shit is real!!

Fuck what you hear!!

Fuck what you feel!

All I ever feel is the light as it fades,

While your love cuts through me like razor blades!

I’d cry my empty self to sleep only to drown out the hate,

As it pierces my soul like a dull ass stake!

Can this be fate? Isn’t it great?

Let’s get this straight!!

It can’t be, it’s gotta be a goddamn mistake!!

Good night mom I love you, I would say,

Shut the fuck up and go to sleep is all I ever heard, great! THANKS 🙏🖕

Fucking Skank! Diving me insane!

Ah I almost forgot about Sister Cunt and Brother Bitch!

Good night mom I love you, there’s venomous words would stain!

My life of hate, as I’d lay in wait,

For the day the lord or devil stay,

Purify my pain, my soul to take!

Love what’s that!! A fairytale? A goddamn mistake?

No, Love was there, hell it was everywhere!!

Somewhere?? Nowhere? Over there, under here?

Back there behind the wheelchair??

Maybe elsewhere?? Anywhere? The armchair,

con air, Salpêtrière?

Up there? Underwear??? Fuckkkk!!!

WAIT I SEE IT!! It is there, it is somewhere and nowhere!

It’s over there, it’s under here!

Behind the wheelchair??? YES!!! Elsewhere?? Yep! Anywhere?

Armchair—con air??

SALPÊTRIÈRE??

You bet your Goddamn it is!!! it’s everywhere?

Hell it’s in the fucking air!! Without a care!

You know where it’s not?? In here,

With me just to make it perfectly fucking clear!!

Empty dolls peek out of their skulls, where’s the puppeteer??

Fuck if I know, but speaking of dolls who knew that they could love and soak up some tears??

I know who! Do you??

Who you ask? Let me think??

Oh yeah I remember, me you dumbass stupid fucking idiots!

I’m spilling it all no more secrets!!

It’s my life, and I still don’t fucking believe it!!

The truth drips from my lips as I tell you this shit!!

100 stuffed animals and a security blanket,

all showed me that love isn’t always a myth!!

A kiss?? What’s that I’ve never gotten one??

Wait I remember that too now, it’s what I gave to them every night so they wouldn’t know,

What it’s like to only know?

Love?? No what it means to be alone!!

My inanimate companions, my hate assassins-

fractions of loves dragons!

50 kisses and I love you’s a piece they’d receive every night from me,

They’d never know lonely, as long as a breath can enter my body!!

Ahh but my security blanket the only one with me since the beginning!

100 kisses and I love you’s for you my best friend and lifeless, priceless, timeless and fearless guardian angel!

For all of you I am forever fucking grateful!

You turned something fatal to something beautiful,

Even if it was only for a second of every night of my life,

You showed me what it felt like, in that split second what it feels like!!

To not want to die!

Thank you but,

For now!

Goodnight!!

—TS—💯🖤