I remember that day as if it was yesterday.

Perhaps you think I’m talking about the birth of a child, or a wedding, or perhaps even getting an acceptance letter from a college. No. But it is of equal importance.

I was sitting there on the carpeted ground

Eating my breakfast without a sound

When my grandmother came in unannounced.

“Your mother’s on the phone.” She spoke in a quiet tone.

So I took the phone and my mother’s voice was so low,

“A little girl in your grade is dead.”

Lillian’s name immediately popped into my head.

I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but somehow I knew it was her but instead I pushed that thought down. It can’t be her, I thought to myself, only to be mistaken.

My mothers voice came in again, “It was Lillian. She died in a crash.” I laughed. This couldn’t be true, I still had so much to do.

But now, two years later, I can’t stand the sight of my grandmothers carpet or sit down on it like I had, now it’s just sad.

The death of Lillian, my best friend, has caused so many ends.

No more hugs for anyone except for A. W.

No more _real_ smiles

No more promises

No more excuses

No more hurting words that I can’t take back

No more not saying “I Love You”

No more love like I had for her.

But with endings also come beginnings.

Now there’s tears

Now there’s fears

Now there’s panic attacks in public

Now there’s depression

Now there’s intrusive thoughts

Now there’s black outs and irrational reactions

Now there’s pain and sadness

Now there’s anger

Now there’s guilt

Now there’s no more chances for me to take

Now there’s words that will go unspoken

Now there’s no more memories to make

I hope I see you again soon, but if not, save me spot right next to you just like we did in choir class if one of us wasn’t there that day.

I love you and always will. Just know that incase I never made it show.

And just to let you know it, on that sickening day time had never passed to slowly.

- Love you Lillian ❤️ 🕊️