This is a really great piece, and you did a good job at making it flow, even if you think you didn’t.
The only part that does not flow well is the transition from your writing to “where there once was softness…” It could have meshed together better if you chopped up the last line to make it match your poem as a whole. A bunch of short lines that jumps to a longer one does not flow well unless that’s what your going for; It sort of jumps out at the reader.
Another thing I recommend doing is adding commas to direct the reader on what they’re reading. For example, when I read the line, “you my boy” It sounded like a pirate was talking because of the syntax. I would have put it as, “You, my boy”
Another thing for commas is adding them to the end of lines that are dependent clauses. The line, “heartbreak” or “to make me cry” could end in a comma. Only make this change if you feel it is necessary because this is your poem, and the format is up to you. (Also, little side bit with periods, I don’t like to use them in poems because they disrupt the flow. Instead, I leave the verse open with no period when it’s an independent clause.)
Lastly, I recommend to capitalize each sentence/line unless you don’t want to. Remember, writing poems is just making decisions, and there are no rules.
Overall, I love this poem so so so much! Keep writing, you’re amazing <3
