Ever since I was younger, I was scared nobody would show up to my birthday party.

I'd cry days in advance, preparing to be met with nothing.

I don't know where this fear stemmed from, but I know what it's bloomed to become.

I prepared myself to be alone so much that I prefer it now.

I close myself off, pushing people away as if expecting them not to be there anyway.

Why would they stay?

It's just my birthday.

I'm just growing older.

I'm maturing.

Nothings funny anymore.

Chocolate is too sweet, and I'm scared of the calories invading my body just from smelling it.

When did I become this insecure?

When did I care this much about my weight?

I care about things I shouldn't, and neglect things I should.

I forget about my friends.

Messages fall deeper into my phone while I fall deeper into the state of mind where nothing matters.

Who will find me first, when my lips are blue and my heart no longer beats?