I wish I was pretty

but not just pretty

beautiful

not just turning heads

breaking necks

dazzling the room

so gorgeous that they aren’t even

able to take their eyes off of me

I want to be that kind of beautiful

to be able to look in the mirror

and smile at my own face

instead of focusing on the imperfections

the acne

the redness

the stray eyebrow hairs

the dry lips

the eyes tired of crying

the uneven smile

if only my skin were smooth

clear

brows fixed up

wearing a shade of lip gloss

that brings out my eyes

which stop their lonely crying

when I’m alone at night

because I can smile

genuinely smile

at my own beauty

I want to be that kind of beautiful

to be able to take pictures

without deleting them all

just because they’re not perfect enough

there’s something wrong

with my face

with my hair

I just don’t like it

I want to be able to post pictures

instead I’m just scared

that no one will actually like them

no one will say

“so pretty”

“gorgeous girl”

“you’re beautiful”

to have a hundred comments

validating my beauty and I

validating my friendships

to be not just loved but adored

heart-eyed emojis

from my friends

who are in awe of my beauty

just as I am of theirs

I want to be that kind of beautiful

to not be so insecure

as to run away from

any sort of potential of love

I close myself off

because I don’t thinks it’s possible

for a guy to think of me like that

I was wrong last time

and it hurt so bad

it still does

I won’t let it happen again

I won’t believe them

because eyes can lie

they do lie

guys don’t like me

not like that

it’s stupid

to think otherwise

I’m stupid

to even consider the possibility

I’m not pretty

I’m not conventionally attractive

and it’s fine I guess

but I wouldn’t hate it if

I had the confidence to think

hey wait

that guy likes me

something could happen between us

I know my worth

and turns out he knows it too

I want to be that kind of beautiful