Well done, Dia! I see you’re using poetry to express your emotions, and I feel that words really help me to do that too.
I like that you were able to keep a consistent rhyming scheme going throughout the piece. It’s not always easy to do that.
Try and see if you can have more consistency with how many syllables you have per line. Rhyming brings with it a sense of rhythm so when there’s too big a difference in syllables per line it can make the poem feel disjointed.
Also, and this isn’t easy, try to choose your lines based on meaning and not rhyming. When making a poem rhyme, it can be really tempting to use words that don’t have the best meaning just because they rhyme. Perhaps in your case describing his personality as coarse felt a bit out-of-place. Of course, you can describe a personality as “coarse”, and as a reader we know what it means, but how could you choose another line here which tells us even more?
Keep up with the poetry, Dia! The great thing about poetry is it lets you use images and metaphors to express emotions. When you want to say something, ask yourself: “Is there an image that I can use to show this?”
