The worst feeling in the world is the feeling you get when you’re walking away from someone. Especially when you don’t want to, but you know you have to. My heart broke alongside yours as I gazed in your eyes and told you that I couldn’t be with you anymore. You stuttered, stumbling over your words. You tried to speak but kept faltering. Then finally, through your tears, you said, “Why?”. I stopped, knowing exactly what I wanted to say but trying to find the words to make him understand. I felt the tears welling up. I couldn’t hold them in and my throat closed up, making the next thing I said to him very strained. I sobbed, trying everything in me to told it together. “Because for once in my life, I’m doing something for me.” It was then, I couldn’t keep it together anymore. He stood in front me and I knew there was a million things we wanted to say to me. I searched his face for what he might be thinking. Despite the fact that I knew I had to leave, it would destroy me if he said something that would hurt me — something that would stick with me forever. Before he could say anything, I spoke over him. Maybe a part of me didn’t want to hear what he had to say. “I still love you, okay? I — I don’t want you to think for a second that I don’t. I just know that if I don’t leave now, my love for you will eventually destroy me and I cannot let that happen.” He quickly took my hands and pulled me into him, placing my hand over his heart. “You know this is yours, right? No one else’s. If you leave me, I’ll never find anyone else. Please, don’t do this, baby.” He was desperate, so desperate he had a crazed look in his eyes. He looked half crazy and half terrified. When those words came out of his mouth, it allowed me to let go of my doubts. I had to do this. This was toxic, everything we had was toxic. I pryed my hands out of his, and took a step back. “I’m sorry.” I croaked. His face fell. I know him well enough now. He’s shutting down. He slowly fell to his knees, and stared at the ground. I knew if I stayed any longer, I might change my mind. I have to leave now. I turned and left — leaving you there, broken. People always talk about how much it hurts to be broken up with — how much it hurts for someone to leave you. But they never talk about how much it hurts for the person leaving. It’s a different kind of pain. For him, it’s easier because I’m the one that left him. There’s nothing he could have done to change that. For me, I have to live with the knowledge that I could have stayed. Maybe if I did, he would have changed. Things may have gotten better and we would get married and have those two beautiful children we always talked about. I have to live with that. He doesn’t. Then there’s the possibility that he won’t change. Things would remain as they were and I would’ve allowed him to break me. I would come out of it more damaged than I am now. I don’t regret what I did, but the ghost of what could have been will always haunt me in the late hours of the night. You sat there on your knees thinking you would never be happy again, but you will. You will become a better you and meet someone who will love you like I never could. When that day comes, I will be so happy for you. I will also feel a twinge of sadness, because you will always be my first love.