Soon my feelings will reach Him somehow, and I dread the day.

~

It was late September, freshman year of high school, and I was the luckiest girl in the world.

“Maddie, luck is not real. There is no such thing.” My father said, shaking his head at my naivety.

The next day, my English teacher sat me right next to Him. Oh the seating chart… I think it made both him and I want to cry out. (Me out of joy, him out of sorrow) Did she know how I felt? I doubt it. Regardless, that was the day I could’ve won the biggest lottery of all, and my mood not raise any higher. Take the happiest word you know, and sulk because it couldn’t describe me.

Skip a few months, and I was bursting at the seams with bad ideas. Our seats wouldn’t be changed for another few weeks, and me being me, I ignored this. I’m not really sure what response He was going to give me, but I didn’t care. The morning of my inevitable demise, I dressed up the best I possibly could. Maybe if He saw how pretty I was, He would magically fall in love.

It was simplistic, just as I’d imagine it to be.

“Hey, so I’ve.. I’ve liked you for a while now. It’s fine if you don’t feel the same; I needed to get it off my chest.” It’s funny now, how un-fine it was.

“Oh.. I’m really sorry. I think it’d be better if we were just friends, y’know?” I didn’t know.

Most people expect rejection. They prepare for it, they plan it, they are ready when it hits them. I did all these things, but deep inside, I wasn’t ready for rejection at all. The second the words poured out of my mouth, I wanted to snatch them back and never let them escape again. Part of me still cringes at it, and I can boldly state that I would trade my soul to redo that day. Quit without saving. Restart the level.

It’s horrifying, and the worst part? It never happened, and I vow I will never tell Him.