“What the-?!” Screamed the girl in the red hood as she plummeted down from the light blue sky, landing with a THUMP in the soft grass.

“Hey,” I say, “Welcome to Earth, it sucks.”

“Who the f-“

“We don’t say those words here, Little Red Riding Hood.”

“Damn it!”

“Yeah, my thoughts exactly. If you’ll join Goldie Locks and That One Princess over there, we can begin the seminar.”

“Seminar?” Little Red Riding Hood blinks.

“It’s called: A Nonfictional Person’s Guide To Surviving The Real World. Made it myself.” I answer, standing up from where I previously sat, watching.

Within the past five minutes, I have witnessed the once in a lifetime event of a girl with bubbly, curly blonde hair, and a girl with a puffy pink dress hurtle down from the sky and land face first in this meadow. Now, apparently, we’re chucking Riding Hood into this recipe of weird. She glances over to a spot in the meadow with a few sparse trees, where Goldie Locks and That One Princess have decided to gather. They’re looking tensely about, unease painted on their faces like the drawings in their fairytales. I lead Little Red Riding Hood towards them, humming a tune as I do.

“Well, let’s hope Jack doesn’t decide to join us.” I say once we all stand together.

“Sorry, who?” That One Princess asks.

“You know, Jack. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over the…really? No?”

The three girls shake their heads simultaneously.

“Anyway, you all fell out of the sky.” I explain.

Riding Hood begins sarcastically, “No, did we? Where the fu-“

“Shhhh. I’m starting, pay attention, I’m not explaining taxes more than once.”

“Where the hell are we?” Riding Hood kicks the dirt, “what is this place, why’d I just fall out of the sky? Who are YOU?”

“Your questions will be answered, creation of Charles Perrault and Brothers Grimm.”

“What?” Goldie Locks scrunches up her nose in confusion.

“Nothing, forget I said anything. Now! Who wants to learn about technology?!”

That One Princess raises her hand timidly.

“Excellent! So-“

“No, I meant I had a question. Isn’t that the polite way to ask?”

“Yeah. What is it?”

“Could you answer HER question? Why ARE we here?” She asks, gesturing all around.

“Jesus Christ, why would I know? You think I know why you fell out of the sky? It’s raining fairytale characters, you think that’s normal? NO!” I snap, losing my patience.

That One Princess shrinks back, but Goldie Locks stamps her foot, her blue and white checkered dress swaying as she walks away from us, saying, “This is pointless, I’m going!”

“Get back here before you get eaten by a bear!” I chase after her. Red Riding Hood starts cursing while pacing in circles, and That One Princess pinches her arms, as if thinking this is a dream, and trying to wake up.

Oh, wait, that’s a good idea. Maybe I’M dreaming. I pinch myself- nope. Meanwhile, Goldie Locks has placed herself in a tree, sitting confidently, as if she knows just where she is.

Red Riding Hood jogs up behind us, I guess tired of pacing.

“Get out of that tree!” I demand.

“No. I have a better view of what this place is from up here,” she replies, her eyes scanning the meadow, “hey! This isn’t so different from where WE come from! We don’t need your stupid seminar!”

Red Riding Hood scoffs, muttering something sounding like, “Figured,” under her breath.

“Hey, wait-“

“That’s a relief!” That One Princess exclaims, setting off eastward.

Little Red Riding Hood trails behind, and Goldie Locks slips down from the tree to follow.

“Guys!” I yell. They ignore me.

“Fine, but y’all are screwed when you have to figure out modern day taxes!”

Suddenly, someone crashes into me. I crawl away, and am met face to face with a disturbed looking Alice.

“Why’d I just fall out of the sky?” She asks.

“Goddamn it! What is this day?”

————

I, honestly, have NO idea what I just wrote, or even what this story was supposed to be, but I was bored, and this took up an hour so, uh, yeah.