**Chapter 4******

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Davian

_I’m sorry_. I can’t stop thinking about last night. Hearing Tommy and Allie’s voices, hearing the honest truth that rung in them. They meant what they said.

And that’s why I’m here. Why I’m walking through the cool, dark morning hugging Dad’s leather jacket around my body. There’s someone out there in the world, someone who needs to hear those two words. Even if my voice doesn’t sound truthful, if this person I’ve hurt understands struggle they’ll hear my words. They’ll take them, they’ll hold onto them.

At least I hope so, it’s what I’ve been telling myself all morning, and I can’t afford to lie. Not at this point. Not right now, not when truth needs to be heard.

I take a deep breath, breathing in the cool, fresh air. The hospital comes into view as I slow my pace staring up at the millions of windows and two huge doors that are hidden under a single roof that covers the entrance. I swallow, my heart racing in my chest as I slowly inch forward.

I don’t even know what I’m going to say. Who I’m going to ask, what I’m going to do when they kick me out. Today’s just a huge risk, and I’m not a hundred percent sure if I’m willing to take it. But I keep walking, so I guess that answers my question for me.

When I get to the doors, I stand by them, watching as they slowly hiss open making room for me to enter. I step inside, instantly hit with a small breeze of cool air. Much colder than the early morning summer air.

I drag myself down a few hallways, up stairs and finally decide to sit down in a waiting area. I fall down into a hard, but sort of okay chair. Resting my arms across the wooden arm rests. Maybe this was stupid, how am I even going to find who I’m looking for? I don’t know anything about them. Wether they’re a girl or boy, blonde or brunette. I know nothing, besides the simple, terrible, haunting fact that I ruined their life.

I let my breath slowly exit my mouth, watching the life of the hospital. The nurses that walk so fast, even if they don’t have an urgent emergency they seem to all follow the same fast pace.

But what I seem more stuck on is the man that’s sitting across from me. His hair is dark brown sort of reminds me of Tommy’s the way it falls at the sides of his face. Except Tommy has blonde hair, Mom’s hair.

I shake my head. Blinking a few times as I keep my eyes on the man. I know he doesn’t know I’m watching him. He seems lost in thought, staring at his legs, with his arms folded firmly across his chest. Nervous is the first word that hits me when I look at him. He’s not jumping around or watching every passing nurse with an intense sense that they carry news. He’s just sitting there, listening maybe, but not showing it.

After a while, a nurse approaches him. He looks up at her, unfolding his arms and rising to his feet.

“Mr. Bowden?” She asks.

He gives a slight nod. “Yeah . . .”

His lips stay parted, but no words come out.

“Your daughter,” she says, looking at a clip board. “She’s stable now.”

Mr. Bowden sighs, relief floating around him. “Thank you, that’s . . . It’s . . . I’m . . .” He pauses, letting out another relieved breath. “Thank you.”

The nurse smiles a small smile, but even from where I’m sitting I can see it fading. “But there are still some complications. The crash she was in . . . Her head has suffered a blow that may mean she’ll need to be in hospital for a while. And there’s also a chance she may not wake up.”

_The crash she was in. _Those words echo around me. Crash, like a car crash. Like the crash from last night?

Mr. Bowden’s eyes fill with tears, as he runs a hand down his face. “What . . . What do you mean? She’ll . . . She’ll die?”

The nurse nods slowly. “There’s a possibility. Especially with the circumstances. Her mother didn’t survive, as you know. But it’s still early, considering that she was brought in just last night. We’re doing everything we can. I promise you.”

_Her mother didn’t survive? She was brought in just last night? _It’s got to be who I’m looking for. I’m looking for her, she’s who I need to see.

Mr. Bowden nods, I can tell he didn’t really listen to her. I don’t remember a word the doctors told me the day I found out my parents died. All I remember is the fear, the pain, the guilt, the tears. Words didn’t really speak that much that day. And I can tell it’s going to be the same here. For me and for Mr. Bowden.

“Can I see her?” He asks, his eyes hopeful.

The nurse nods. “Of course.”

I watch closely as she leads him down the hall. I stand up from my chair, and walk to the other side of the row of chairs. I take a seat, looking through the gaps in the huge leafy plants that circle the back of the chairs.

They stop at a door that’s open, the only door open down the hallway. Is that what a sign is? I mean it’s an open door, an opportunity, a chance to leave the room I’m in now. Right?

Mr. Bowden enters the room and the nurse waits outside for him. I except he’ll take a while, but he leaves after a couple of minutes. He says something to the nurse and then walks away.

I wait for him to pass me and for him to turn the corner, before I rise to my feet and follow his invisible foot prints to the open door.

The nurse isn’t there anymore. I guess it would have been smarter to check before heading in the direction of the open door, but my feet are one step above my head.

I slow my pace as I come up to the door, I can’t linger in front of it and cover all of my options so I just got right in.

I gasp, my heart starting to race in my chest as my eyes fall on the girl. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m looking at her limp body, looking at the mess I’ve made, or because she’s beautiful.

I’m not going to lie. I’ve thought millions of girls I’ve seen in the halls at school were beautiful. But this is different. She’s like none other girl I’ve ever seen. Her hair is a golden blonde, much brighter than Tommy’s. Her eyes are shut, but they shine. I know they’ll be brighter than anything else when I see them again.

I suck in a short breath. I thought that too easily. That I’ll see this girl again, and when she’s awake, when she’s okay. I mean I want to, but this isn’t the movies. There’s no way I can go ahead and read the future episodes and see that this girl wakes up, and that I meet her when she’s awake. It’s not that simple, nothing is.

“Hey,” I mange to say as I move away from the door and into the room. It’s dark, but the light from the hallway makes it a bearable darkness. “I’m Davian.”

My heart drops in my chest when I inch closer and see the gash across her forehead. That must be where all this happened. Where every terrible thing began.

“I don’t know why I’m here,” I keep going, my eyes on her. “I mean, you’re not okay, I’m not okay. So what did I think? That we’d bond? That you’d be awake and wouldn’t scream when I came into your room?”

I look at the girls face. The kindness that’s written across it. She wouldn’t scream, and that thought makes me smile. For the first time in a long time, it’s a real smile. “I wanted to tell you I’m sorry. It’s stupid, right? I go and kill your mom and then expect a miracle that you’ll accept my apology. Maybe it’s good you’re not awake. Not that I like this, I just . . .” I run a hand through my hair as I stare up at the ceiling. “I honestly don’t know anymore.”

And then it all comes down. Like all my thoughts, all my feelings rain down from the ceiling. I can’t be here. I can’t look at her. I can’t do anything about what I’ve done. I can’t be here. My heart starts to race, and I know that’s what my feet should be doing.

Just like that I take off. I run down the hallway, not even caring about all the looks I get from the nurses and doctors I pass on the way. I just run. __

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