Maybe if I wasn’t such a bitch all the time they wouldn’t yell at each other.
Maybe if I wasn’t so lazy all the time they wouldn’t be overwhelmed with the help they need.
Maybe if I wasn’t such a failure all the time they would be less stressed.
Maybe if I wasn’t so selfish all the time they would smile more.
Maybe if I was gone they would be happy.
Never the top priority. Never the most important. Never even listened to.
Just act natural.
But that’s okay. No, I don’t mind. “Go ahead and talk all you want.” It’s not like there was one little thing I was hoping to tell you. And- “What do you need?” I totally wasn’t in the middle of telling why I was really proud of myself today. “Sorry, what were you saying?” My mistake, I talked over you when you interrupted my effing sentence.
Just act natural.
I swear I’m going to scream. One of these days, I’m going to cover my ears and scream at the top of my lungs. Or break down in the violent tears I’ve suppressed for so long. Or at least go quietly destroy something, feel something break in my hands.
Just act natural.
I don’t mean to express anything real. I don’t want to show any of the emotions that haunt my mind. I don’t want you to know how broken, how desperate I really am.
Maybe that’s why it hurts so badly that I couldn’t even tell you a random little detail about today. Maybe that’s why I’m so upset that I never got a chance to share that one insignificant thing.
Just act natural!
And, suddenly, it’s all flowing to the surface. The box I keep tightly locked in my chest is fighting to explode. But I can’t fall apart now.
Just act natural!
So I quietly go to my chair. Silently put on my headphones. Pretend my hands aren’t shaking as I blast music. Don’t glance up. Don’t give them a chance to see my face before I get my mask back up.
Just act natural. You’re in control.
I’m fine. I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine. Of course I’m fine. Obviously. I always am, duh.
I start to type, start to write- But I’m shaking, and my eyes are welling up. I can’t, I can’t hide. I’m going to fall apart right here and now- And suddenly it all…
…falls…
…apart-
“Just. Act. Natural!”
Why am I so wary of the world? I don’t trust anything, anyone. I feel so distant, so detached. And so, so tired. Tired of expecting to be hurt. Tired of carrying on when I do get hurt. Tired of being tired.
Tired of not caring enough to save myself.
I don’t want to see tomorrow, Because I already know it’ll be exhausting and painful.
Since when was I this wary? Since when did I expect hurt around every corner?
What happened to the innocent girl who saw “tomorrow” as a synonym for “hope”? What happened to the girl who saw the brightest future?
And more importantly: Where did the girl who wants to give up so badly come from?
“Hey, can we talk?”
I could save myself with those four words. Maybe, if I’m not too far gone already. I’m lonely to the point of pain, Bored out of my mind.
I just want to talk to somebody, anybody. I want to talk about something, anything. I don’t care who it is, I don’t care what we say. I just need to hear someone’s voice, Or even the three dots that mean somebody’s bothered to notice I exist.
I could ask you how you’re doing, Could ask about your break. Or what you think of the fact we’ve gotten a yet another snow day. Or how you did on that science test. Or what book your reading, if you even like reading. Or how you cope when you feel depressed. I could ask you what your favorite class is, Could ask what you want to be when you grow up. Or what your favorite hobby is. Or if you’re scared for the future. Or if you’ve gotten your score back on that math quiz. Or if you ever think about dying.
I could ask about anything, Just to hear you talk. I don’t even care if you ask about me, I don’t need to talk about myself, no. I just need to know you’re there, That you want to spend some of your precious time interacting with me.
And… well, if we talked enough… If you really wanted me to, I guess maybe I could talk about me. I could tell you that I’ve got this new book series I love. I could say the ads on Amazon music are driving me insane, I just want to chill to my depressing music in peace. I could tell you that I’m really worried about that math quiz. Maybe I could say I’m nervous about it because I consider my math grade to be my entire worth to this world. If we talked enough, and you actually wanted me to tell you, I could admit I’m scared for the future and that sometimes I kinda wanna die.
Or I could just tell you I’m bored, and that I want someone to talk to. Maybe not even that much, nothing that personal. I could simply complain about the weather. You could just tell me how your day has been. I don’t need to say a single word, You can do all the talking. I just want you to talk to me.
But I never reach out. I tell myself I’m lonely, Tell myself I want someone to talk to me, Tell myself I want to open up. And I really am lonely, But in a lot of ways that’s my own fault. I’m terrified that if I speak a single word, You’ll see all my pain and be hurt by it. I don’t want to hurt you. Not like I’ve already hurt everyone else. But… surely it can’t be that bad if I don’t really talk? Surely we’ll both win if I’m only listening to you talk?
“You” being somebody, anybody. We can talk about something, anything. It’s possible that I could save myself with these four words, But I think I’m too far gone already.
“Hey, can we talk?”
I need help. There, I said it. I need help.
I thought I was okay. I thought I might be able to make it. I thought I was getting better. But I’m not. I see that now. For months I’ve been getting worse and worse, Brushing off the dark thoughts when they crept into my mind.
But I think I finally realized recently: Suicidal thoughts aren’t normal. It’s not normal to look into every mirror and say, “I hate you.” Normal people don’t snap a hairband against their wrist To drive away the urge to tear at skin.
Its hard to deny something’s truly broken in me when I’m sitting on the floor, shaking as my vision goes blurry from tears.
But how the hell are you supposed to ask for help?
“Hey mom, yeah so I know that you raised me and love me and are so proud of me, but those are all stupid things because I consider myself a total failure and spend most days hoping I’ll wake up dead the next morning. What’s for dinner?”
I’m not okay, I am broken, But what am I supposed to do?
We just had a unit in mental health and my teacher said “If you woke up and your hip was sore, And then you went a few days thinking it’d go away but it’s still sore, You wouldn’t try to treat it yourself. You don’t have medical knowledge. You’d tell your parents, And they’d monitor it a few days, And if it still hurt you’d get help. You’ve gotta talk to someone.” Following this analogy, My “hip” has been hurting for months. Some days it’s manegable, Some days I can barely “walk.” But saying “hey, my hip’s sore,” won’t destroy the people you love. “Hey, I want to die,” on the other hand, can do some damage.
So if my heart is broken glass, I’d rather have the shattered peices cut into my skin, Destroying me from the inside, Than let anyone I care about get cut by the shrapnel.
If I had any self control, I wouldn’t even post this. But I need someone in this world to know. Even if it’s just a stranger a thousand miles away online, I need someone to know: I’m not okay.
It’s nice weather outside.
And yes, maybe I’m drowning. Maybe I’m screaming out to the world, My cries silent on my lips. Maybe I’m falling down, down, down, Further than I’ve ever been.
And yes, maybe I am dying. Maybe that broken piece I’ve always put duct tape on is finally starting to shatter. Maybe my whole world is falling apart. Maybe I don’t even know what it is to be okay.
And yes, maybe I’m terrified for my own future, Afraid it ends up broken and alone.
But today? Right now?
It’s nice weather outside.
You know those days where you can either laugh or cry? When you can say the most messed up things with a grin on your face? When you can shatter from the slightest problem?
Yeah. Those days are fun, aren’t they?
It’s hilarious, really. On our break I was talking with my friend about how we’re all depressed, just some of us are aware of it and some of us are still oblivious.
And then at lunch, one of my first friends at a new school, one of the most friendly, caring, kind people I’ve ever spoken to, was saying how she wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. She thought everyone hated her. I had to spend about 15 minutes telling her all the times she’d literally saved my life.
And I’ve always been a little worried about another one of my friends. She’s genuinely a ball of sunshine, she’s the sweetest, most caring person. She brightens every room she walks into. But when she gets down, no one can save her. If I were as amazing as her, she’d never be sad. But she’s the only person I know who can make you that happy when you want to be that sad. And she’s the only one of my friends whom I’ve ever seen cry. And yet she’s saved me from tears so many times in the past 2 years.
I have another friend who’s always there for me, always so friendly and supportive. She’s the exact kind of person you want with you. She’ll help you immediately when you text “Shoot - did we have homework today?” She’ll nod enthusiastically when you ask “Hey, can we be partners?” She’d sit down and want to help with everything if you said “Um, I’m not doing very well, can we talk?” But she always has these little offhand comments that I have to wonder about. And I’ve never heard anyone say sorry as much as her. I’ve never seen anyone be so focused on other people she forgets herself. I’ve never had a friend who radiates “I care!!” just by being in the same room as her.
And I worried about all 3 of them today. I pictured my life without each of them.
So it makes me wonder: how could I possibly compare to them? What do I have that they don’t? Is it just my environment that makes me decent? If I was a horrible person, would any of my friends even tell me, or would they just keep being to most kind, depressed people ever?
Why are the best people always depressed?
Sleeping in until 11. Falling asleep for two hours in a loud room. Drifting off, Slumping down, Sinking away, away, away.
I’m just so tired. Tired of being awake, yes. But also tired of putting on this ridiculous facade that “I’m fine.” Tired of dancing in a never ending masquerade of so called “happiness.” Tired of convincing myself that I’m okay, and it’s just “been a long week.” Tired of lying, lying, lying.
I’m so tired of my cycles, Tired of these patterns of mine. Looping back to everything I’ve been through, Over and over again. As I turn back to all my old favorites, I embrace the same least favorites- All over again, again, again.
Feeling the same feelings I thought I moved past. Wishing for the same wishes I thought I was done with. Fearing the same fears as I thought I got over.
I’m just too tired to keep moving. Too tired to keep charging into my own self-created torture. Too tired to keep fighting for tomorrow, Even when I know tomorrow will be just as bad.
But what choice do I have? I’m too tired to push past this, Too tired to break out of these patterns. So I’ll keep sinking away, into a dreamless void. I’ll keep lying to myself, to everyone else. I’ll keep going through this over again.
Honestly though, don’t worry. Because sure, I fight the same torturous battles every time this happens, But you know what else happens every time this comes around?
I survive.
So I know I’ll make it through. I know that as much as I’m sick of the dark, I’ll reach the light again.
I’m just a little tired, that’s all.
I would be anything for you. I would be whatever you wanted, Whatever you asked. I would make you love me, Make you look me over and say, “That’s my girl.” I’d do anything to be in your spotlight. I’d do anything to make you proud. I just want your love, Your affection. I would be anything for you.
But I’ll never be enough for you. Your anger for me creates My anger for you. Why am I not good enough? I do everything, Yet you cast me aside, Put me down at every chance you get. You never believe in me, Never think I’ll do well. If someone were to look at our relationship, They’d think you hate me. But I know your twisted love, Your warped affection. We share a mind, after all.
You know me and I know you. Maybe that’s why we’re rivals. I know all your darkest secrets, I know you better than anyone else could. I know every mistake you’ve made, Every. Single. Flaw.
Yet I crave your love. All I want is to be enough for you. So I get higher grades, I earn more achievements. I climb higher and higher, To put you at the top. All so you can enjoy the view. All so you can be_ proud of me_.
To the girl in the mirror…
I would be anything for you.