What if I ran away?

. . .

What if

I ran away?

Nathan has money stashed downstairs. The house is dark as I creep down the stairs—I can hear my brothers in the room over, disrupting the stillness of the atmosphere. The darkness looms as I’m in the kitchen, rummaging through. My heart thumps. I feel so close but so far. The bills slip out easily, and they feel smooth in my hands. Oh, the power of all of these. I’ve never held so many at once before. It fills me with a thrill, with excitement. But there’s no way this can be real.

. . .

What if

I ran away?

I walked down the sidewalk, my jacket bundled around me, shielding me from the crisp autumn air. The few cars that pass will think I’m just another stupid teenager, sneaking out to go over to a friend’s house. ‘Oh, she’ll be fine. She might make some dumb decisions, but her parents will find out, punish her, and eventually she’ll grow up to be smarter.’ I’m not wasting my time on all that.

. . .

What if I ran away?

I mix with the crowd at the train station, getting in line for the ticket. The money is already cool in my hand, and it gives me something to focus on. Don’t think about anything else. Just think about the cold and the twenty in your hand. I try not to look around too much, I try not to look down too much. When I get up there, I offer him a quick smile. “One adult, one child ticket please.” ‘Where’s the adult?’ he questions, looking at me with a blank expression. I try my best to match it, looking like a bored teenager who’d rather be asleep than getting on a train. “My dad’s in the bathroom. He asked me to buy the tickets for him.” The man nods, takes the money, and gives me the two tickets.

. . .

What

if

I

ran away?

I lean my head against the window, feeling the cold seep into my cheek, but I don’t care. I sort of like the sharpness of it. I watch the streetlights go by, the town I’ve known, departing. Who all am I leaving behind? They never want to talk deeply anyway, just about the bad classes and afternoon plans. Who cares about that in the big picture anyway? I’m never going to sit in math class again, listening to Ms. Ray teach about geometry, giving us worksheets we never collaborate on, everyone listening to their own music. I’ll never be forced to play volleyball in lifetime wellness again. I won’t get to hear about Layla’s crush and how cute the things he does are when the ball never comes to us.

. . .

What if

I

ran

away?

My brother. He’ll be alone with my parents. They’ll talk about adult topics and I won’t be there for him to sneak upstairs with as we do Mad Libs and play Mario Kart. Never have someone to walk down the stairs with you when our parents have guests over and we get hungry. I won’t be there to comfort your social anxiety, to get over mine and lead the way. I’ll never give you drives to school when I get my license, you annoying me to drive you to McDonalds to meet with your friends. The thought of never seeing your pretty smile again… hearing your cute laugh one more time… knowing your face and your betrayal and your shattered heart when you hear that I’ve left… I can’t break you like that.

I’d shatter the whole world over and over again. I’d scream at my parents and smile at their faces when they see I’m gone, hoping they’re frantic and worried as I break all the rules and buy way too much chocolate. I’d ignore all my teachers and talk back when they speak on the dress code. Love to see their faces and argue my heart out to them. I’d wave my hands to my friends, shooing them away cause I don’t need them. Won’t help them with homework, listen to their problems, go to their lame hangouts after school.

. . .

What if

I ran away?

I think of the way you smile when our eyes meet. And how fun times with you can be. How young you are, how you need someone. You can be lonely, the world can be harsh. You need my hand in yours and what if it’s not there?

I would leave the world behind but I can’t leave you. So I’ll stay forever if it means I can stay with you.

So the next morning I’ll wake up and hold your hand in mine.