Finally drifting Riding with the wind Floating across the sky With pretty, soft clouds Watching the world Adrift
But what if I get swept up in the winds And these peaceful skies Turn to hurricanes The wild winds I know so well
Twisting and spinning Not knowing where But knowing you’re going Someplace, somewhere With no control
And my mind is back in that moment Calm and comforted Realizing that for now It’s all just anticipation The world is still sunlit But I know It takes almost nothing at all To surge up a hurricane
Our souls are stars Glowing inside of us And if we were to see Inside of our bodies They would be in a galaxy Our two souls In the same galaxy
I know your soul And you know mine But too far away They each appear to twinkle Showing off a glimmer But never the full brightness
Only a flicker of your star Reaches my heart As I slowly fall in love But we’re solar systems apart So I know your presence And I see your flickering star Both calling to one another But just a little too far
“I thought you loved me!”
“I did, I always did! Did you not see that? Was everything I did for you not enough?”
“No! It wasn’t!”
“What more could I have done?”
“You could have decided not to leave me! You could have stayed. Instead of running away from our parents, forgetting that you had a sister who was still stuck. And you stayed away. You didn’t come back for holidays and you didn’t write me letters. You made me feel like I was a part of the corrupted family you wanted to leave behind. And you left! What you did was not love.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So be sorry. But you are not my brother. Because a brother wouldn’t leave their sister alone for years. Knowing it would be hard. Knowing that she had no one. You are not my brother.”
“But you will always have been my sister.”
Christmas used to be so full of smiles and everyone talking and laughing; Everyone was happy and together.
But now I wonder if we’re going to have any part of that; I wonder if I’ll have anything to resemble what it once was.
My father is in another country, my brother Jayden drove his motorcycle to another state and didn’t look back, my brother Asher is trying to find something in the world that isn’t as wrecked as our home has become, and our aunt doesn’t want her children to experience what we have so she won’t be coming back.
I sit alone in my room and wonder if they’ve all forgotten about me: the one still stuck in this house until I’m grown up, the one that isn’t able to escape yet, the one who has a month of everyone at school talking while she sits in silence, dreading the season.
I just want one of my brothers back. But my parents have driven them away, from the moment they corrupted our house, and now I don’t have a real family anymore. That means a lot of things, but in this season it means I’m alone for Christmas. And there is not one person willing to come back for me. Since they all escaped.
to feel how i feel like i’m in the wrong place i could’ve gone a different direction what feels like the right direction so close to where i am but unreachable i can imagine her and then and what they come together to be i can see her standing close but not in the same place as me
it’s like that girl is who i was destined to be but i never will no matter how bad i crave it and watch her i feel the desire churning through me certain i could do it since i can’t stop seeing her no matter how much i want to move on i can see her and hear her, her voice so clear in my head, like she’s in the room her words almost unimagined, like i could hear myself speaking them
who i was destined to be but never will be just out of reach a step away in the room but another timeline too far feeling so out of place
She forgets Loses her memory And her ghost Slowly fades From existence And I live beside her footstep Where her figure should stand Where it could Where it would’ve But no one understands It’s etched deep in my soul Crested in my bones She can’t leave She’ll always hold my hand Even if it’s stone and stone She’s there, No one else can see But I hear her words inside my head I know just how she would be They think it’s best to leave her I don’t need that girl beside me But I clench my heart And she won’t leave She has to stay here She has a place It’s written before I was here, It was destined For her to be I can’t stop it from being there I’m just the one chosen To see Try and teach me to forget She’s not matter, not skin and bone But her name is etched in mine I know her every part Every word and small gesture I could tell you so much Her heart squeezes mine Our grip together so tight, We couldn’t let go if we wanted to, It’s like our hands turned to stone And they won’t break apart So try and teach me to forget But that girl will never go From my mind to mouth I could try to explain But they’ll just never know
You didn’t mean it And I did you say that you did But you didn’t mean it like I did You didn’t You didn’t mean it Like I did. When I said it I meant it Fully And passionately I meant I had been dreaming of it Looking up at them And watching them Every moment they pass by Wishing I could get a glimpse Into their world And what it’s like Dreaming Of a day That I would be there And I would get to live that world You didn’t mean it like I did. I want to be there Through the past weeks Dare I say the past months I’ve been dreaming That I would be there with them Side by side And we would do it together I craved it Passionately Wishing Pleading But knowing it wouldn’t get me anywhere, Not now But maybe At some point Someday I’ll be in that world And it’ll be mine My world, That I command Not just one I’m a part of And that’s kind of the difference I would command it You would be a part of it So when we say Those same words We both mean it But we don’t mean it With the same longing You think it’d be cool But to me, It consumes me Takes up all my thoughts When they’re around And I get to see it That world I feel an itch Within my skin And I feel it on my bones A craving I can’t describe How bad I feel I want it How I feel I need it It consumes me You don’t mean it like I do. Because when I say I mean it It’s all I can feel And it’s all I have felt These past few months So don’t say those words Like we’re saying the same thing Because we’re not You’re saying It’d be cool And I’m saying I couldn’t live without it Because that’s my world And I feel it Deep within me It’s already a part of me And something in my soul Is already a part of that world
i cared. i cared about you and about us. i cared about holding your hand and walking with you in the halls i cared about talking to you after my day and hearing about your dog
i cared about you. i cared about knowing your favorite color and your dream career i cared about who you wanted to become and all your silly jokes.
i didn’t care about me. i didn’t care about getting enough sleep or how you neglected my answer to speak i didn’t care about focusing on myself or all the things i wanted to do
because i only cared about you. and i only cared about us.
so now i can’t care about us. i can’t care about my hand without yours or walking alone to classes i can’t care about talking to my friends instead and spending time with my cat
i can’t care about you. i can’t care about what you want or hanging out with you on the weekends i can’t care about your smile or your stupid ocean eyes.
i have to care about me. i have to care about taking time for just me and reading my comfort books i have to care about listening to music and learning to love my myself
my lungs taste salty when i think of it. when i think of how bad i want her how i want to stay with her, seeing her each day in class and at rehearsal
my breath gets shallow when i think of it when i think of never hearing her rant or hearing her pretty laugh or watching her from the other side of the room because pretty soon she won’t be in the room.
my heart beats faster when i think of it when i think of her, a couple years later dating some boy holding his hand and walking with him in the hallway and that’ll never be me.
my lungs taste salty when i think of it that it will never be me. me with her. that pretty soon, there won’t be a her at all.
