I’ve always read that true happiness comes from within. I don’t think those people have ever really lived. Positive thinking can’t overcome everything. The negative still lives, and it certainly will not let you forget it.

My personal hell starts at 7:30 in the morning, 5 days a week. That’s not including overtime. My boss works me like a dog all for nothing. I’m meeting him this afternoon for a performance review. I’m supposed to set a goal at the beginning of the year for my growth at the company. Now, I must come up with some bullshit answer. How I found myself working with customers and clients. It’s a blue collar operation trying to be white collar. Ignorance may be bliss but so are deluded ideas.

The afternoon comes and so with it a reminder of my 6 years working here. Bartender, liquor distributor, working with high up clients here and there. I’ve hated it all.

“Ah Nick, good to see you. I haven’t had a lot of face time with the team lately. Let’s get right down to it,”

I incredulously stare at him. I just don’t seem to have to light that others either seem to have, or disgustingly fake.

“It’s promotion time! I putting you as the assistant manager at our a new branch. Best part, you get to work from home! It will require you to explore the bars in the area. Ya know, check out the competition. Just a little plus for you.”

He winks and swiftly gets up. The reality of this big change doesn’t hit me till I get home. My already empty apartment will need to be packed up. I can finally start working on my cabin. A secluded spot in the woods just a few miles out from the city. I can get a dog now. Go on the lake. Peace and quiet is finally mine.

It’s all happening fast and I love it. I’m at The Fishing Hole, a local bar. Checking out the competition equals me drinking. I walk up to the bar counter. Immediately I’m stunned to see who is working. She’s here, now, why? My coworker Sandra, the only person I actually liked at work. She has a way about her that feels real. Her enthusiasm isn’t as sickening. Just a small dose of sweet for the day.

“I know what you’re going to say. Yes I took the offer, betrayal happened but I needed the money bad. Anyway you don’t want to hear all that.”

I got my drink, and just as quickly as I got there, I left. Seeing Sandra reminded me of Katie, the youngest of the workers. I smiled at the thought.

As time went on my cabin project got slower and slower. Half painted walls and ply wood in the back was there to stay. I slowly devolved into an even more empty state. I get to be free of human contact, I hate humans. All I need is myself. I don’t want to admit I miss Aunt Cheryl’s hugs when I go to her bakery. The small gestures of strangers opening doors. Someone who lets you in front of them in line. Even the feeling of getting to help someone else. A few seconds of connection that carries you just a bit throughout the day. A residual warmth. Sometimes you don’t even remember where that feeling came about. I certainly forgot. I digress, my views on humans, society, connection, it all reflects me. The longing I had for it when I was young. The embarrassment of never getting to really have it. I don’t know what I need to feel “right”, but I know I can’t discredit others anymore. I know I too need, and want my daily dose of happiness with others.