“I mean,” Kiri starts, a shit-eating grin on his flushed face. “At least blood is rushing away from my dick, not tow—“

“Can it, idiot.” Katsu snaps, wriggling where he hangs, feet bound, from the ceiling of their cat-lady neighbor’s basement. “Why don’t you try using your head— y’know, the correct one for once in your fucking life— to get us out of here.”

Kiri only grins wider, placing his bloodied hands on the back of his head in a carefree, relaxed manner. “I think you’re just looking at this from the wrong perspective—“

“For fuck’s sake, Kiri.”

If they manage to get out of this alive, Katsu will kill Kiri himself, the bastard.

“Oh, c’mon man, you’re the last person I expected to be scared.”

Katsu rolled his eyes, regretting the motion instantly. His head was throbbing. “I’m not scared, I just don’t enjoy spending my Tuesday afternoons hanging like a dead cow waiting to be gutted. Now start moving.” At that, Katsu grunts harshly, using his core strength to move his bulky body from side to side, swinging like a pendulum.

As if this was a normal Tuesday afternoon, Katsu is able to reach Kiri, fisting his rumpled shirt and expertly pull his body up Kiri’s own, using Kiri’s clothes, his limbs, anything to leverage himself.

“Hurry up, man I’ma bout to pass out,” Kiri slurs after several minutes from beneath Katsu. “And no offense? But you’re kinda heavy.”

“Almost done,” Katsu snaps, pointing a concealed look of worry at his friend. He’s managed to climb up Kiri’s body, but is now faced with untying his friend’s legs while also keeping himself upright. It’s likely putting a lot of strain on Kiri’s body.

“Y’know,” Kiri starts. “If it’s our time to go —“

“It’s not, you idiot.”

“If it is though, man I just wanted to let you know —“ Katsu swears he hears a sniffle, “— That I seriously love you, bro. We’re like, like platonic soulmates. Bromates?”

Katsu wants nothing more than to bully Kiri for the sentient, but the words get stuck in his throat as the rope unravels beneath his fingers, accelerated by their combined weights.

“Brace yourself!” Katsu shouts, panic evident in his voice, as Kiri is released, plunging with a loud yelp head first towards solid concrete.

There’s a resounding thud as Kiri’s body hits the ground, but Katsu’s eyes are squeezed shut as his cramping, sweaty hands cling onto Kiri’s rope. What if Kiri didn’t hear him in time? What if Kiri’s skull was crushed on impact, contents of his pea-sized brain spilling out —

“Dude. Ouch.”

Katsu breathes a shaky sigh of relief. “Now get me down before the old hag comes back to murder us.”