Guilt washed over me like a wave. I had completely lost myself this time, and now coming back to my senses I sank to my knees in despair. Everything that I had worked to overcome had overwhelmed me instead. All the progress I’d worked so hard for was gone in an instant. And it was all my fault. I had finally started to feel hope that I could regain some sense of normalcy, that I could go back to the days when I was innocent and pure. How cruel it is, I thought, that the instant I start to feel that maybe, just maybe, I could live without this I fall right back in as deep as I’d ever been. I woke up this morning with no intention of approaching the pit of despair that had trapped me before, but somehow I allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of security. I should have known better. I am an addict, and I will always be that way. That’s what everyone has always told me, I just didn’t want to believe them. And I’d done well too, despite being surrounded constantly by triggers.

Hidden in the darkest recesses of my mind was the craving. I had done well keeping it at bay for this long, but I couldn’t last against the constant onslaught of attention that it demanded. Maybe this time I just give in, I thought. Can it really be that bad? It’s so much work for so little reward to fight it. If I just give in, everything will be easier. I wish I’d just done that from the beginning. It would’ve saved the embarrassment of all the new people I’ve met knowing that I am nothing but a junkie and I can’t amount to anything after all.

Swallow, then breathe deep, I told myself. I’d been through this all before. The moment I relapsed I would get waves of depression that if I wasn’t careful I could dive in and be swept away, feeling only emptiness and loss. No. I decided I wouldn’t give in this time. I regained control and wrestled my thoughts around to what I had practiced in case of a situation just like this. I am worth it! I may fail, but that does not make me a failure. I would never give up on the people I love if the roles were reversed. I can do this! This is just something new to learn from and grow.

Guilt was gone now, replaced by hope and determination. I knew that what I was repeating to myself was simple phrases I’d written down ages ago, but they still hit me hard. After all, one of my favorite wizards once said (allegedly): "Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it." I will never give up. I will never back down.