I knelt by the bedside of mother dear Contemplating the passing of the years the warmth, the cold, the in between Seemed only an instant now to me

Years of just giving, though she could not see Had made her an angel, strong and free Hardened by sadness, softened by love The perfect concoction to raise her boys up

And now she lay resting, a much needed sleep A few words from between her lips did seep No regrets, only peace did her proud features wear Final whispers wandered away without care

Guilt washed over me like a wave. I had completely lost myself this time, and now coming back to my senses I sank to my knees in despair. Everything that I had worked to overcome had overwhelmed me instead. All the progress I’d worked so hard for was gone in an instant. And it was all my fault. I had finally started to feel hope that I could regain some sense of normalcy, that I could go back to the days when I was innocent and pure. How cruel it is, I thought, that the instant I start to feel that maybe, just maybe, I could live without this I fall right back in as deep as I’d ever been. I woke up this morning with no intention of approaching the pit of despair that had trapped me before, but somehow I allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of security. I should have known better. I am an addict, and I will always be that way. That’s what everyone has always told me, I just didn’t want to believe them. And I’d done well too, despite being surrounded constantly by triggers. Hidden in the darkest recesses of my mind was the craving. I had done well keeping it at bay for this long, but I couldn’t last against the constant onslaught of attention that it demanded. Maybe this time I just give in, I thought. Can it really be that bad? It’s so much work for so little reward to fight it. If I just give in, everything will be easier. I wish I’d just done that from the beginning. It would’ve saved the embarrassment of all the new people I’ve met knowing that I am nothing but a junkie and I can’t amount to anything after all. Swallow, then breathe deep, I told myself. I’d been through this all before. The moment I relapsed I would get waves of depression that if I wasn’t careful I could dive in and be swept away, feeling only emptiness and loss. No. I decided I wouldn’t give in this time. I regained control and wrestled my thoughts around to what I had practiced in case of a situation just like this. I am worth it! I may fail, but that does not make me a failure. I would never give up on the people I love if the roles were reversed. I can do this! This is just something new to learn from and grow. Guilt was gone now, replaced by hope and determination. I knew that what I was repeating to myself was simple phrases I’d written down ages ago, but they still hit me hard. After all, one of my favorite wizards once said (allegedly): "Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it." I will never give up. I will never back down.

If watching cartoons has taught me anything, it’s the power that comes from working hard towards something you want. One of my all time favorite anime, My Hero Academia’s main character is inspiring to me because he never gives up, no matter what. I would like to use that approach in my own life more often, but unfortunately I can’t seem to figure out what exactly I want, there’s so many different choices! And if I pick one then I end up deciding that something else would probably be better, so I give it up. But I have decided to try and remedy that by making a list of a few things that I want to pursue, allotting a specific amount of time (probably a month) and working on it for that time. At the end of the trial period I can decide if it’s something I want to continue or not. I think that will help me gain skills in the things I’m interested in and hopefully help me narrow down what I actually want to pursue!

Dark. That’s the first thing that comes to mind. But no, I’m surrounded by light, it’s the middle of a beautiful summer day. “What’s wrong with me?” I think to myself. I should be excited, happy, content even. But no, I feel empty. One thing is missing though. Most days, there’s the overwhelming feeling of too much. Kind of like a balloon just before it gets overfilled and bursts. Today is different though. Just empty. It’s odd, I kind of miss it. It’s like yang left, and all I have left is yin. Dark. There it is again. Interesting though, the real world seems dimmer too. And I’m starting to feel a bit cold, but for some reason I don’t really care. I don’t have any desire to grab a coat or a blanket. It’s almost welcoming, oddly enough. Dark. It’s not just me, it really is getting darker. I thought I would be calmer, but I’m scared. I thought the emptiness would go away, but if anything the dark is making it worse. Have I made a mistake? It’s too dark. I can’t go back. Dark. I’m sorry.