Day 1: The Abduction

Holy fuck, I just got abducted by aliens. I’ve been waiting for this day my entire life! Ever since playing Sims 2 on the PlayStation 2 as a kid, I’ve wanted to be abducted by aliens. And that day has finally come. I was looking through my telescope, just like in the game, searching for my abductors. Suddenly I was lifted through the air without warning. A tractor beam of some sort lifting me straight into the sky, right into their ship. They said to me, “Greetings human.” And I nearly nutted right there. They handed me this tablet and told me to put down my thoughts. The tablet is linked to my brain and all I have to do is think about what goes onto the tablet. They told me that they’ll be keeping me for an undetermined amount of time. They’ll be performing a series of tests and trials to learn more about the human race. They refer to me as Subject 62. I’m a little sad that there have been 61 others before me, but when you think about it, there are like seven billion people on earth, so I’ll take those percentages. I’m excited about what’s to come. I hope I get probed.

Day 2: The First Trial

They asked me, “Do you know what this is, Subject 62?”

It looked like a chicken parm sandwich.

“Is it a chicken parm sandwich?” I asked them. “Yes, from subway. Please eat it.”

So I ate it. Then they asked, “Do you know what this is?”

I know a tuna melt when I see one.

“That’s a tuna melt.”

They nodded at me and said, “Correct. Consume it.”

So I consumed it. I consumed the ever-living shit out of it.

“Are you aware that that isn’t real tuna? Not a single trace of tuna has been found in the “tuna” melt.”

Of course, I know that I told them.

“It still be bussin.”

For the entirety of that day they had me eat one of every single kind of sandwich from subway. The entire menu! When I got too full to continue, they sprayed my stomach with some kind of topical foam, cut me open, and removed the contents from my stomach. I didn’t feel a thing! Incredible! I hope I get probed soon.

Day 3: The Second Trial

I know it’s only been like three days. But I’m getting a little antsy. When will I be probed? That’s like a staple of abductions. At least from what I’ve read in books and seen on tv.

“Take a seat right here,” they said.

“Is that an Xbox?”

It was an Xbox. These sick, sick bastards made me sit down and play every single From Software game made. I could hardly get past the tutorial boss on the first Dark Souls game. Every time I died, they zapped me with some sort of cattle prod. After that, I started to die on purpose. They don’t know this, but I’m kind of a freak.

“We will retire for the day, Subject 62. You’ve seemingly failed this trial. Perhaps you will do better tomorrow.”

I’m starting to get tired of these bastards. Collective hive mind speakin ass. Piss me off. Just probe me and send me home.

Day 4: The Final Trial

“Okay, Subject 62, this is your final trial.”

About goddamn time, I have a short attention span and I’ve lost interest a while ago.

“You will now binge-watch the entire twilight saga.” Oh, fuck yes. I love those movies.

“How is this a trial?”

“We will monitor your brain waves to see how it reacts to the worst movies ever produced.”

Oh hell no.

“You mean greatest movies.”

They stared at me with their beady, empty alien bitch eyes.

“No, we mean worst.”

Bruh.

“Ok, I’m done, just probe me and I’ll be on my way. You ain’t gonna disrespect them like that in front of me.”

“We don’t do that. That’s a common misconception about us. We’ve never done that.”

BRUH.

“What the FUCK?! Let me out now.”

“If you exit now, you will forfeit your position on the new alien council.”

“Don’t care, eat shit.”

So they dropped me in the middle of a farm. Didn’t even have the decency to bring me home.

“You lost boy? said a farmer, who happened to be missing a few teeth and reeked of whiskey and tobacco.

“Just got dropped off by some aliens, wouldn’t even probe me.”

“Why would you want some dang ole illegal Mexicans to probe ya? Never mind that boy, you on my property now. You ever see that movie, Deliverance? Imma probe you alright, little piggy.

“Uh oh.”