C.M. Sheppard
Writing make brain go brrrr
C.M. Sheppard
Writing make brain go brrrr
Writing make brain go brrrr
Writing make brain go brrrr
“That’s my goldfish!” Screamed my six year old son.
I kneeled down to my son and grabbed both his shoulders and looked him in the eyes.
“James, this is not your goldfish. I don’t know how to tell you this.. but it’s an imposter.”
“No! Mr. Golden Fishy isn’t sus! You’re sus! He speaks to me you know, he tells me that you’re not my real dad. He tells me you’re an alien.”
My heart rate became rapid. “James that’s nonsense, you know I’m not an alien. But that thing… that “goldfish” is an alien. I swear to you, I can prove it.”
He ripped away from and yelled, “Go ahead then, prove it!”
I turned and grabbed the bag that the imposter fish was in. I grabbed my pocket knife and cut the top of the bag open. I put my knife down on the table and held out the fish in front of me with both hands. Then I turned the bag upside down and the imposter fish fell to the floor. It hit the kitchen tile with a wet thud and thrashed all about. “Show your true form demon fish!” I yelled. “This body is not viable for you! You cannot survive out of water. You aren’t the intelligent species you wanted me to believe you are.”
James screamed. “You’re killing him!” The imposter fish didn’t change, it just kept flopping around. Uh oh did I make a mistake?
“You’re just jealous that I won a fish at the carnival and you couldn’t! You suck at ring toss. YOU SUCK AT RING TOSS!”
A loud raspy voice spoke from the floor.
“JAMES. HE IS EVIL JAMES. JAMES. HE IS SUS. HE IS THE TRUE IMPOSTER.”
My eye widened in fear. “I told you James, he is an alien!”
“HURRY JAMES MY BOY. SAVE ME. KILL THE IMPOSTER.” Rasped demon fish from the floor.
“Enough! I shouted and raised my boot to bring it down on this orange monstrosity. But before I could bring my foot down, James shrieked and jumped onto my chest. I lost my balance and fell against the table. James leapt off of me and picked up the fish, plopping him into a nearby vase. Then he grabbed my opened pocket knife off the table and with no hesitation brought it down onto my leg.
I screamed in agony. “AGAIN JAMES AGAIN.” Bellowed the demon alien. He brought the knife down again and again. Blood poured out of my leg as he hit my femoral artery.
“James stop!” I was fading quick.
“You are sus! You are sus!” He just kept repeating that phrase as he continued stabbing. Eventually I passed out from the blood loss.
I woke up on an operating table, bright lights overhead blinding my vision.
A tall gray alien stood over me looking down. “You lost to the fish again Xero. That’s four times he’s bested you.”
“It’s not fair, a video game addicted kid is going to choose a talking alien fish over his father nine out of ten times.”
The council has decided to remove you from its services and replace you with the one the boy calls, “Mr. Golden Fishy.” I’m sorry it ended this way.
I looked up at him confused. “No, please, give me another chance. Put me up against something else. This fish is my kryptonite. I can excel in any other field, I swear!”
“It’s too late, Xero, I’m sorry. The council has already decided.” The gray alien pulled a lever and I was sucked into space.
I’ve been drifting aimlessly for the past 15 years. Every now and again Mr. Golden Fishy and the boy fly by in a ship and point and laugh at me. It’s quite humiliating.
“I challenge you to a battle of wits. A game of chess. If I win, you and your army pull back and leave us be. If you win, we will surrender unconditionally.”
“Deal.”
“I’ll play white. Let us begin.”
She played e4. He responded with e5. She moved her queen to h5. He played pawn d6. She moved her bishop to c4. He moved his knight to f6. Her queen takes the pawn on f7. “Checkmate,” she said, crossing her arms with a look of triumph.
He stared absently at the chess board. In a flash he upended the board, sending pieces flying through the air. His sword was unsheathed and through her throat before the pieces ever hit the ground.
“Her wits were no match to my blade. Checkmate.”
Mitch puts his head on his desk and throws his arms over to muffle his scream. After recollecting himself, he opens his work email.
MITCH. EXPENSE REPORTS. DONE BY NOON. ON MY DESK. NOON.
Expense reports. I’ll show you expense reports, you fuck. Mitch reaches under his desk and draws out his trusty long sword. The same sword that slayed the three Gexnon-headed in the village of Gib. What a fine sword. He heaves the long sword over his shoulder and, with a great deal of confidence, marches over to his boss’ office. Mitch kicks in the door and yells, “no human boss would ask for expense reports on casual Friday!” And with a whirl of his chiseled arms, he swings the long sword into the neck of his “boss” and severs his head. Alien-like tentacles sprout out from his neck, searching for some life to cling to. They slowly begin to whither and evaporate.
“Oh, Mitch! You saved us from work on casual Friday!” said Macy from accounting. “You’re our hero! Now, deflower me out on the veranda!”
With a grin, Mitch thought, ‘ What the fuck is a veranda?”
“Mitch.”
Doesn’t matter. Princess Macy from accounting was about to get his flesh sword and-
“MITCH.”
“Huh?”
“Didn’t you get my email? Expense reports on my desk by noon? Why is your hand in your pants?”
“Spider bite. Itchy itchy. Yeah I’m working on them.”
“Good!” Mr. Boss said as he walked away.
Mitch gets up and walks to the coffee station. Coffee is the lifeblood of any office. But, there is no coffee. He notices Mr. Boss walking away with a steaming cup. That bastard took the last of the coffee and didn’t even start a new batch. Only an evil lizard demon would do that.
And there it was. Hanging out of Mr. Boss’ pants was a scaly, lizard tail. Not on my watch you demon lizard cunt. Behind the coffee station, Mitch had hidden a battle axe. It’s the perfect weapon for decapitating a demon lizard’s tail. Everyone knows that demon lizard tails are their weak spot. Destroy the tail, destroy the lizard.
Mitch hoists up the axe and charges the demon lizard.
“Hey demon lizard! What did the axe say to the tail? CHOP to meet ya!” he screamed as he parted the demon lizard’s tail. The demon lizard screamed in agony and began to melt into the floor.
“Oh my god! Mitch you saved the precious coffee from the evil demon lizard! And your joke made total sense! Please bury your face in my breasts!” said Macy from accounting.
“Oh I would love to bury my face in your breasts,” said Mitch.
“Ew, Mitch what the fuck is wrong with you?” said Macy from accounting. “Oh my god, do you have a boner? Sick! I’m going to HR about this.”
“Macy, no it’s not what it looks like!” But it was, because Mitch was as hard as the stone that held King Arthur’s sword.
Mitch skulks back to his desk to work on the expense reports. On casual Friday.
An hour later, Burt walks into his cubicle.
“Mitch. Need you in my office. I think you know what this is about.”
Mitch nods and follows Burt into his office. There is a poster of a cat hanging on a rope that says ‘hang in there!’ Mitch hates it with all his heart.
“Take a seat Mitch. Macy tells me you said some inappropriate things. Normally this really wouldn’t matter, because women are stupid. But, you had an erection. Which makes it a real doozy. You fucked up bud.”
“I’m sorry. I was just daydreaming and got lost in the moment. You know how it is in this office.”
“Were you a warrior that killed the evil boss and then Macy from accounting let you bang her on the veranda?”
“Yes!”
“Mmmm. Yes, we all have those fantasies. But some of us are smart enough to keep it to ourselves. I’m sorry but we are going to have to let you go.”
“I’ll show you letting go,” said Mitch as he pulled a .44 magnum from his jacket. He pointed it at Burt, pulled back the hammer and fired. Burt’s brains painted the cat poster a chunky red.
“That’ll show you, you evil shaman wizard… wait where’s Macy offering me her body?”
“Active shooter! Everyone run!”
Mr. Boss kicked in the door to Burt’s office and shot Mitch three times with his Glock.
“Take that you evil, toxic masculinity-wielding hob goblin!” said the incredibly muscular and handsome Mr. Boss.
“Oh Mr. Boss! You saved us from the angry incel! Take me on the veranda!” said Macy from accounting.
And before he could, there was a knock at his office door. It was Mitch.
“Here’s those expense reports for you.”
I am the lost I am the found I am the light I am the sound
I am the wind that whistles I am the sun that blisters I am the riptide dragging you down I am the whirlpool that drowns
I am the death I am the life I am the destruction I am the reconstruction
I am the storm that floods I am the avalanche that buries I am the atom split in two I am the life becoming anew
“I need to confess something.. I did it. Now, can you pass the wine?” Said Mr. Frisbee
“May you pass the wine,” said Sir Reginald.
“May you pass the wine.”
“May you pass the wine, what?”
“Please, Sir Reginald, I don’t have time for manners. This is quite urgent.”
“Oh, but you just said please? Now, why couldn’t you add that after asking for the wine?”
Sir Reginald was hardly paying attention. He seemed preoccupied with the salmon laid out in front of him.
“Such an insufferable Persian you are! Forget the wine! I did it!” Mr. Frisbee was screeching now.
“Please, calm yourself, Mr. Frisbee, no need to froth at the mouth like a lowly dog. Please, have some wine. It will calm you.” He pushed toward a glass of red wine, and Mr. Frisbee wasted no time lapping it up.
“Now that your nerves are settling tell me what has gotten you so worked up. It couldn’t possibly be about the murder of Johnny Hamster, could it? Please, do not tell me you are fretting over the death of a..” his nose scrunched up as if he had smelled the rotting corpse of Johnny, “a rodent.”
“It was an accident! I didn’t see him coming, and we collided… and and his ball, it just… it went out the doggy door. I saw him… in his ball… oh god, Reggie, there was a car and… why was the doggy door unlocked? Who the hell has a doggy door installed on the front door?”
“Mr. Frisbee, that was no accident. I asked Rufus to push Johnny Hamster as you dashed across the hall. It was all very calculated to make it seem like an accident.”
“But…. But why? What did he do to deserve that?”
Sir Reginald slapped the salmon out from in front of him and roared, “WHAT DID HE DO? WHAT DID THAT MISERABLE RODENT DO TO DESERVE THAT? THE CATNIP FRISBEE THE GODDAMN CATNIP. He’s been skimming off the top, selling on his own time. Ripping me off. So I did what any man in my position of power would do. I eliminated the competition.”
“Reggie, he was family! You don’t do that to family!” Mr. Frisbee started to sway a little bit.
“Everything alright Mr. Frisbee? You seem a little… off. Here have some more wine,” he said with a Cheshire grin.
“What… what’s in the wine Reggie? What did you do to me?”
“Loose lips sink ships, Mr. Frisbee. I’m sorry but I cannot trust you. Especially someone who lacks simple manners.
Mr. Frisbees’ eyes grew heavy and he fell asleep.
Mrs. Bonabee came out from the kitchen.
“Oh how cute! Look at you two cute kitties having a little din din together! Looks like Mr. Frisbee had a bit too much catbernet, aye Sir Reginald? Oh you kits sure do crack me up.”
“Don’t worry madame, I’ll have Rufus put Mr. Frisbee down for a nice, cool dirt nap in a minute.”
But all Mrs. Bonabee heard was, “Meow.”
YEAH BUD I JUST BOARDED THE PLANE.
Oh fuck me he’s gonna be on the phone the whole flight.
YEAH BUD I WILL BE IN MIAMI IN A FEW HOURS. AFTER TOUCH DOWN MEET ME AT MARTYS FOR A COUPLE OF BREWSKIS AND THEN WE CAN GO CHASE SOME TEENAGE TAIL
Who the fuck says “brewskis” unironically? And chase teenage tail? Bro is pushing 50.
ZAYNE HAS SOME COLUMBIAN NOSE CANDY FOR US. GIVE US AN UPPER HAND WITH THE LADIES.
Hmm… I do like nose candy… but not this guy. Fuck I should’ve brought my ear plugs.
YEAH BUD I GOT A NASTY RASH ON MY JUNK. BUT THEM BITCHES GONE BE TOO DRUNK TO TELL.
Aw sick.
YEAH BUD RICARDO SAID SOMETHING ABOUT LINING UP SOME LOLITAS AT BENNYS ON SATURDAY. AINT NOTHING LIKE A TIGHT LOLITA TO GET THE WEEKEND STARTED. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
Annnnd that’s where I draw the line.
after a few hours of having to listen to nonstop yelling on the phone, the dipshit business bro and our soon to be hero depart the plane
YEAH BUD I WILL CALL YOU BACK. I GOTTA TAKE A WICKED SHIT.
Alright you sick fuck. I got you now.
our soon to be hero follows the business bro into the bathroom. And with a stroke of luck they are the only two in the restroom
the business bro wipes his ass but before he can flush our soon to be hero kicks in the door
You like little kids huh? You sick fuck.
AYE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
our soon to be hero throws a front kick into the business bros neck. He goes down and grabs onto the toilet. Our soon to be hero then grabs the back of business bros head and dunks it in the shit filled toilet
How’s that taste bud? You like the taste of your own shit? Because I had to listen to you spew it over the course of that four hour flight.
the business bro kicks and struggles but ultimately succumbs and drowns in his own shit water. Our now hero stand and exits the stall, and washes his hands of the filth
I hope Starbucks is still open. I could use a pumpkin spice latte.