All Alone With The Devil

I had finally finished wiring the solar panels on the roof of my log cabin and my home was officially 100% self sustainable. I grew vegetables in the garden and fished in the nearby creek for protein. I occasionally ate my own feces just to keep my immune system on its toes. The sun set atop the hills to the east which defied science. I was proud of my work and I celebrated by putting my feet up on my wicker chair and filling my pipe with tobacco before enjoying a few relaxing puffs. I had finally found serenity alone in the woods, miles from the nearest human being. Suddenly there was a bang on my door. Surely it must be a branch blown by the wind, for no one on the planet knew my location. Then a pattern of knocks, you know, the classic doo-doo-da-loo-doo….doo doo. Impossible. I cautiously loaded my shotgun and tip toed to the door. Perhaps they had found me, perhaps the enemies from my past life had tracked me down somehow, using satellites or even a tracker on my jeep. I held my gun to the door at head level and yelled in a stern commanding voice. “There is no one in this house right now !”. The reply was 85 knocks on my door within 4 seconds. Lightning handed forest demon, I feared for my life. “This house doesn’t have an owner it’s just been here empty for ever.” I yelled. I pulled the trigger of my shotgun which was loaded with a slug and disintegrated the top half of my door in sawdust. I quickly kicked the door open to see what I had shot. A Girl Scout roughly 4 feet tall greeted me on my porch covered in camouflage face paint and a couple feet too short to be hit with my kill shot. “Want some mafuckin Girl Scout cookies player?” She said innocently. I noticed a golden tooth in her mouth. “How did you find me?” I asked, baffled and trembling. “We got da vanillas we got da chocolates we got all sorts of mafuckas” replied the young girl in a voice so innocent and sweet that it was terrifying. “No thank you….I’m not interested little girl.” I bellowed in a gruff tone. “You GOTSTA take a lil baby nibble out one o’deez lil mafuckas son, deez cookies so nice you gon wanna eat em twice cuz.” She said, unbothered by my refusal. “You should le-“ I was abruptly interrupted, “ If I was you I’d buy some fuckin cookies playa….otherwise it’s gon be a bad mafuckin day for you aight?!” I was confused, scared, and angry all at once. “I’m going to count to 3….and if your still on my porch I’m going to shoot you little girl.” The thought of shooting a 45 pound young child with a shotgun unsettled me but I was willing to do whatever it took to protect myself. “Then shoot….” She said unblinking and calm as a lakes surface during a sunrise. “But I really really….REALLY hope you don’t miss….cuz if you do…..I would perceive that as a threat….” I felt my hands begin to tremble in fear, it felt like this was some sort of delirious fever dream or hallucinagenic trip gone terribly wrong. “And if I were to perceive you as a threat…..I would be left with no choice but to defend myself…..and you don’t want that mister.” Something was horribly wrong here, although in the surface it was merely a preteen Girl Scout on my porch, it began to feel like truthfully this was some sort of ancient abomination, some sort of otherworldly terror masquerading beneath a freckled mask of flesh. I was frozen in fear and completely unable to speak, she continued, “So be a good boy would you……and buy a box of cookies.” She said as she smiled the grin of a pure hearted, sweet kind little girl. My senses recoiled in a confused horror unable to process the unnatural thing in front of me. What was she? Was she even ….a she? I vomited on my shoes as the feeling of pins and needles consumed my body. I struggled not to faint as my legs grew weak and my knees wobbled. She reached out, grabbed my shotgun by the barrel, rested it between her upper and lower teeth and squeezed the trigger. Although the gun audibly fired she was completely unharmed. No blood….no exit wound….no pained scream….no reaction of any kind….just that sickening smile. It reminded me of the way an alien would emulate a human smile after countless hours of studying humans on film. “I should go now mister….but I’ll be back tomorrow….and the day after….and everyday after until I’m bored of you…..see ya later!” She said as she skipped merilly down my steps and into the woods. I collapsed.

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