Im ashamed to admit….im a janitor. I smoked a shit load of weed in highschool and failed every class….4 times….even gym….even guitar. I worked at a womens shelter and these broads were mean as hell and strong to boot. One day my boss says to me, he says “cut the fuckin grass retard!” So i hop on the lawnmower and get down to business. Everythings goin pretty dope until i fuckin drive into the koi pond. The lawnmowers fucked, fish are all dead. I personally dont really give a fuck but my boss feels jipped and has his panties all in a bunch. He pulls me into his office, obviously just trying to show off his printer. Then he looks me in my eyes and says, he says to me, he says “go fuck yourself!”

This was my big chance to impress my boss. I went straight to the broom closet and began devising a plan, i needed to impress my boss. i needed to show him i was no dummy. I needed to fuck myself. I tried bending my pecker downwards but quickly realized it was small and that hurt a lot. I stayed up all night that night researching. I stumbled across a pornhub vid describing the secrets of self penetration. I had to go to hollywood. I had an extensive criminal record so i went to tavistock instead. According to the video there were 3 keys to fucking yourself. # 1 flexibility, # 2 cock length , and # 3 spare time. I tied my legs to a stop sign and tied my head to a truck while it sat waiting a red light. The light went green, the engine roared, sadly the rope pulled the stop sign out of the ground and i was instead dragged down highway 59 all the way to hickson before I could chew the rope and free myself.  I felt defeated. I did some yoga poses in the church parking lot but still was nowhere near being able to penetrate myself. 

Flexibility wasnt an option, i needed more length. I tied my flaccid penis to a stop sign and tied my head to a truck waiting at a red light. The light turned green, the engine roared but unfortunately whoever was in charge of the stop signs around here was lazy as shit and i pulled the stop sign out of the ground and was dragged all the way to norwich down highway 59 . As i sat battered and bruised in a norwich ditch i glanced behind me and it was as if the 2 stop signs tied to my body were trying to tell me something. Stop, they red. But i didnt listen.

My boss thought i was a joke, but i was determined to get the last laugh. I wasnt gonna stop until i fucked myself harder than anyone had ever fucked themselves. I noticed a herd of cows to my left. Then i noticed a truck to my right. It hit me and dragged me down highway 59 all the way to delhi. Everyone in delhi is fucked, and since i had gotten myself there, i had fucked myself.

Bedtime was 10 pm. It had always been 10 pm. Like manu, i am a creature of habit, at 9 pm I would slip into my pajamas, let my dog Shadow out, make a p b and j sandwich and lay in bed listening to podcasts until i drifted off. Until last night when something strange happened. I had gotten a new job, working 7 a m till 4 p m driving forklift at the warehouse a couple blocks over. My body was adjusting to my new schedule and I accidentally fell asleep on the couch around 6 watching a movie. I woke up disoriented and noticed the clock red 12:07 a m. I quickly realized i hadn’t let shadow out and figured he likely was patiently waiting for his nightly backyard jaunt. But I couldn’t find him. I spent the next half hour so anxious searching the house for my canine companion, but he was nowhere to be found. I glanced at the digital clock on my stove and watched 1:10 turn to 1:11 as I frantically tried to figure out where shadow could be. But he was on my lap. Was i half asleep and somehow didn’t notice him this whole time? Shadown rolled onto his back, seated comfortably on my lap and began to yawn, his mouth opened wide and mid yawn, in a deep voice he said “sleep”. I woke up in my bed confused at 6:30 in the morning, shadow beside me. What a strange lifelike dream, i thought to myself as i dressed for work and left.

The weekend had arrived and i grabbed a case of beer and a gram of cocaine from a coworker on the way home. My favorite ball team was playing on the west coast which meant that they would be playing the late game. Phelps was pitching and he was dominating but we couldn’t score and the game was tied nothing nothing after 9 inning. “We got extras shadow, you think we can pull it off” i asked my pup as i scratched…..nothing. I felt like a fool, here i was with a pillow on my lap, thinking it was my dog. It was right around 1 in the morning, but i was about a half gram deep and wide awake. “Shadow buddy wanna go outside??” I yelled. I heard the roar of the crowd through the surround sound, Jansen was up and he had been red hot all month, it was must see t v. He had a hell of an at bat, fouled off about a dozen pitches. Finally he barreled up an inside fastball and launched it into the seats. What a fuckin finish, i glanced at the clock and it read 1:11 and shadow sneezed on my lap. “Shadow! Jeepers buddy where the heck did you come from?” Shadow crawled out of his skin and barked a deafening bark which made my vision turn white and my limbs go numb. “You’re not here”.

I woke up at work sitting on the toilet. Was i dreaming? I left the stall and went to the mirror to splash some water on my face, i felt sick. My reflection shocked me. “Return to reality” the words were carved into my head. I fainted. I awoke on my apartment floor for a moment and watched the sun crash into the earth and fell into yet another slumber. Suddenly i was in a white room staring at a pendulum ticking back and forth. Above it a clock reading 1 am. I began counting in an attempt to distract my mind from whatever nightmare i had found myself in. I counted to 300 then opened my eyes. The clock still read 1 am. I counted even harder, all the way to a thousand. Still 1 am. Suddenly i heard a voice, but not with my ears, a voice speaking directly into my being. “Good boy” shadow stood before me. Hundreds of feet tall.

My eyes opened as jansen stepped into the box. 10th inning. Cold sweat dripped down my face. Jansen turned on an inside fastball and barelled it up. Shadow leapt up, plucked the ball off the television and brought it to me, dropping it at my feet. Suddenly blood erupted from my eyes. I held them shut terrified for what felt like hours. When i finally summoned the courage to open them i was yet again seated in the bathroom stall at work. I hopped up to my feet and sprinted towards the door but the floor crumbled under my feet as the sound of a thousand bells deafened me.

I awoke to my mother and father seated in front of me. “What’s wrong buddy? You look scared?” They asked. I barked. I howled. I ran on all fours but didn’t move. “Good boy”

I needed a job bad, i needed smackers. I fired up microsoft word and opened my resume. I changed my name to Elon Musk and edited my job experience to say i had been a nurse for 600 years and that i single handedly cured the bubonic plague. I said my hobbies included saving the world and inventing new medicines and occasionally fist fighting germs. A local nursing home was thrilled to have Elon Musk joining their staff so the hired me on the spot. About 10 minutes into my first shift some old guy died. I reached into his pockets and stole his wallet and cell phone. I furiously opened his wallet lookin to find some cash for the vending machine. I was disappointed when I found no cash at all, just a note scribbled on the back of a photo of jeff probst shirtless. The note read “ I am count dracula. I have been alive for 10 thousand years. I have bitten countless mortals and brought unspeakable terror to the world. Van helsing is a bitch. Fuck werewolves. I sometimes am a bat, and i sometimes sleep upside down when the nurses arent paying attention. As im sure you have noticed, there is a wooden stake in my heart.” Only then i noticed that there was indeed a big old stake in his chest. I sat on his face and bucked my hips like a bull rider. His fangs hurt my gooch but still I remember what mike craib had told me “any girl can squirt”

“Alright class this exam will be worth 30% of your final mark, i advise you all to take your time and do your best” i felt kid cum drip down my balls and out my louis vitton skirt. “Begin now” I immediately heard whispers amongst the students. “Guys something fucked just happened, Mr. Clark just held a gun to my head and demanded i creampied him” i was intrigued by what i heard so i let the conversation continue. They had no idea i could hear them, i was about as wet as a grown man could be just from the sound of the tiny voice. “Yeah man it was a fucking nightmare, he held a gun to my head and kissed me in the hallway and made me show him my weener and then sat on it and put this fucked up mask on and then I couldn’t help but jizz even tho i hated it so fucking much” “WHAT THE FUCK?! YO CALL THE COPS CALVIN THATS FUCKED” i smirked as i violently farted cum onto the smartboard and caused it to malfunction and loudly play a siren sound. I deciedly to play along, “ any students caught being NAUGHTY little CUTIES during the EXAM will be FORCED to stay LATE and be PUNISHED” I knew this was extremely taboo but i cpuldnt help myself. I had 8th grader weener on my mind and i was a SLOPPY SLUT. “Fuck man…hes referring to me im nearly certain” whispered phillip, little diamond dick phillip with the cowlick and the gym shorts. I wanted to gobble up his lunch off a globe while he beat the back of my head with a meter stick. “EXAMS OVER LITTLE DUMB IDIOTS!” I belched as i laid on my back, held my legs above my head and shit. “EVERYBODY LEAVE!” I pointed directly at 4 foot 3 phillip, “EXCEPT YOU, YOUVE BEEN BAAAAAD BAD BAD AND THE ONLY WAY YOURE PASSING THIS CLASS…” i lowered my voice and winked at my baby, “is suckin daddys milky peepee baby booboo chubby cutey” i opened my top drawer and pulled out my pistol, and wrecklessly shot it amongst the students. “CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA WOO WOO!” even though i knew i wasnt a train i still felt compelled to make train sounds. “YOU FUCKED UP THE EXAM, NOW I GOTTA BOUNCE YOUR BOOTY RETARD” i quickly realized that i might have gone too far by calling him a retard but then I remembered i had fucked him a half hour ago and name calling paled in comparison to rape. He held my head down on a bunsen burner and splashed vinegar in my eyes. If only i had taught math or gym this would have been so much easier, i thought to myself. The principal barged in and i had a bad feeling he had finally realized that i was not, and had never been, a teacher at all. Just a simple man lookin to drill simple kids on a simple sink. “Knock that off and dont do that!” Said the principal who ironically was not my pal at all. “Hand over that chalk!” He yelled. “You have a smartboard dumbass! You dont need chalk anymore!” He always said the smartest shit, and thats why i respected him. “ HEEEEELP!!!” Yelled little philly cum bottom. “SHUT THE FUCK UP LIL FAGGOT!” Responded the principal before brutally smashing 4 overhead projectors on the young mans head. Even i felt bad. I fired up a video titled “Wildest WWE matches of the 2010’s on the smartboard and pissed into the closest electrical outlet. Welcome to wayside school pussy boy.

The raindrops had declared war on the tin roof. As if I needed any help stayin awake. I reached into the darkness till I felt the chain on my bedside lamp and pulled. “Christ thats fuckin bright” I thought to myself as I squinted and gave my eyes a minute to adjust to the light. My pupils finally focused enough for me to read the crooked clock on the wall. 4:37 AM, “guess I’m the early bird today, time to get the worm”. Here I was, Jimmy the fuckin wolf, wakin up in a cat-piss motel, sharin a room with the cities finest cockroaches and fleas. “Livin large kid” I scoffed to myself as I took a swig from the bottle of hooch sharing my pillow. Beleive it or not, I used to be somebody. People used to hear my name and it meant somethin’. Not no more though. Now they just laugh, like I’m some sorta fuckin clown. I slipped my jacket on, grabbed a fork full of last nights rigatoni and went for a stroll. Where I was goin didn’t matter. I had done the last of my smack last night and I had to score another taste of the good stuff. The fella 2 doors down had some decent product but I already had racked up a hefty debt. “Worth a shot” I thought to myself as I approached his door and banged on it. “You up? It’s me Jim”. …..silence. “Wake the fuck up!”…..still nothin. I put my hand on the doorknob and paused. I took a moment to decide how badly I needed a fix. Bad enough. I twisted and bashed my shoulder into the flimsy hotel door, easily bustin it open and I entered the room. “Gimme the shit or shit out your teeth pal” I announced. “Sorry, Not fast enough” I said before unloading my pistol on the bed before me. Fuckin idiot, I finally found the light switch on the wall and flicked it. If there was an award for killin a sleepin guy I woulda won it. I felt a sharp pain in my weener hole and remembered I had gotten a giant splinter right inside my urethra last night while I was trying to have sex with the corner pocket of a pool table. Sure it stung a bit, but it was nothin that 47 consecutive hits of crack couldn’t take care of. I had a lil bit of a heart attack on the bathroom floor and decided I should pump the breaks with the crack and take a nap. Then came a loud knock on the door. I checked for teeth under my pillow…..nothin. I had a feeling this wasn’t the tooth fairy. Faster than I could bust on a juicy titty , 3 cops burst into the room. “I don’t remember ordering pork boys” i quipped, “never been a fan of pigs”. I’d been in the game long enough to get to know most the cops round here, and I know for fact that they knew me too. “Pull ya cocks out and have sex wit each other” I demanded. This was my fuckin city, and I was gonna make sure they understood that. “Aww fuck boss it’s fuckin Jimmy” said one of the officers as he began to cry, “I told you it was gonna be Jimmy boss, for fuck sakes we are all gonna fuckin die here”. He wasn’t wrong. “Less bitchin more fuckin” it felt good to be in control, like a kid watchin his pet fish swim in the fish tank, holdin a handful of batteries just above the water, just bout to nutt. “You with the gray beard” I muttered “fuck the small one.” “Yes jimmy sir I’m sorry Jimmy”. The more scared he got the harder my little friend jimmy junior got. That’s my cocks name. “I’m gonna cum!” Yelled the good for nothin cop. “Strange choice of last words” I chuckled as I reached into my pocket and grabbed my 8 foot bazooka.

 For most of you this would be the craziest night of your life. For me……it was just Tuesday. It was me against the world and the world was the underdog. Did I kill em? Maybe. Maybe I had a change of heart and let ‘em go. But then again maybe I ain’t no bitch. I think you know the answer. For a moment I worried the cops might show up, but then I remembered they already did , and I fuckin killed em. I thought to myself “aren’t the cops the good guys? Does that make me the bad guy?” Then I decided I wasn’t a fan of thinkin no more. I grabbed a butter knife and spun it on the table. Whatever direction it pointed was the direction I would go. It fell off the table and landed blade down stuck in the carpet so I dove into the ground hard as I could and snapped my neck. That’s just the type of guy I am , if I say I’m gonna do somethin I do it. Luckily for me I was in a shady part of town that cops didn’t care about, other than the ones who showed up minutes earlier and were brutally massacred. I rested on the floor for 18 months till I could walk again and decided it was time to ditch this place. 

  Mo money, mo problems, i beleive it was puff sissy who originally said that. He nailed it, truer words have never been spoken. I grew up with jack squat and I hated it. Hell, I remember havin to wear a pillowcase as a winter coat for a few of my younger years. One day I woke and said to myself, “fuck this pillow case, fuck bein laughed at and most of all fuck anyone who has a problem with it”. Failure wasn’t an option, even if I failed I’d just start again, and again , and again till I won. Cause I knew if I didn’t win, I was a loser. I was a fuckin bulldog from that day on and not only did i do alright, I kicked  the shit outta anything that got in my way. Kicked the shit outta it, and spit on its fuckin corpse. I’d like to think it was this bulldog inside me that led me to becoming one of the top detectives in this rotting, wretched shit pile of a town. With my success came a bit of extra scratch, real good money. Enough money to buy laziness, addiction and more bullshit than a bull farm with shit on it. Which is a sizeable amount of bullshit. The first 10 g’s was one hell of a feelin, hittin 100k was even better, a million made me think “hey I’m pretty good at this detective gig” and 10 mill made me think everyone was a fuckin joke compared to me. I went toe to toe with devils, jumbo Johnny, that fuckin creep they call the creature and that sack of shit McSALTY. But after all them were outta the picture, after I had accomplished my goal of scrubbing the shit outta the city’s asscrack, I had nothing left to do. Just spare time and enough cash to forget what the word “no” meant. Whores, drugs? Yeah maybe at first but that’s chump change. That’s what street level dope dealers do and they think it makes them some sorta fuckin enlightened wise guy. That’s bus stop shit compared to how deep I dove. The life of a top detective is one rush after another after another and that ain’t somethin you quit cold turkey. Fuck, even say this makes it sound fucked but, I’d buy expensive exotic birds just to chop their fuckin heads off in my shed. I’d buy one of a kind art pieces and light em on fire right in the gallery. This one time I bought a river just to dump batteries and gasoline into which ended up killin millions of people and literally ending  2 Seperate countries. Like ending them, they ain’t on the globe no more. I would search and search for a taste of the satisfying glow that detective work gave me but it had vanished. It was hiding somewhere inside me, but I didn’t have a map for that. First I searched my asshole and although I did kinda like the feeling of my hand in my shitmaker, it was empty. I was deeply and terrible hooked on strokin my fuckstick to the point that my unit started to look like a sweet potatoe minus the sweet. I’d ask prostitutes how much they’d be willing for me to accept to kill them. I’d pay em, kill em, and take my money back. That’s outlawed now but back then it was allowed.  I traded myself for money which is a long way to say I sold myself. I farted right into a blind little boys face and knocked him onto his back and permanently melted his ears off.  I wish I could end by saying “but it got better”. I’m still that person, I’m still a waste. I fingered either a Dalmatian or a Doberman which led to my arrest and subsequent 2 year prison sentence. I shared my cell block with dozens of killers, maniacs, dealers and chinaboys, nearly all of which I had personally arrested or atleast known. My cell mate was a fella by the name of “Slimy Chico”, he was doing 15 years for pretending to be in the 8th grade. People always ask “and then what?”. That was it he just went about his day to day life tellin people he was an 8th grader. Slimy was a Hispanic fella, tattoo’d from head to toe. Had one leg longer than the other from a bike crash he said. This made him accidentally walk in circles most of the time, it really was sad to watch and I felt for the guy. Slimy made it clear on day one that he didn’t like me, I remember setting my bunk up and him saying “hey guess what? Don’t like ya”. I was hurt but I understood. On the outside him and I weren’t playin for the same team, I was the enemy in his eyes. About a month in, slimy and I farted at the exact same time and nearly died laughing, he shot me. Slimy was like a bird. He was a strange guy to say the least but we slowly bonded. He told me that my name was jimmy, which I already knew. He told me that we were in jail which, yet again, was no surprise.

I am poison. I am plague. I am a virus killing all that I touch. I am darkness. I am filth. I am all that I hate. I am putrid. I am sickness. I am the destroyer of hope. I am temptation. I am decadence. I am weakness parading as strength. I am despair. I am pain. I am the hand that holds you back. I am dead. I am black. I am a parasite that steals. I am ruin. I am empty. I am an enemy of life. I am fear. I am hate. I am something that belongs somewhere else

I was tired of being lonely. I always thought that online dating was only for losers and desperate nerds, but I had nothin to lose so I decided that today was the day I would give it a try. I decided I wasn’t going to use the popular apps, like tinder or bumble cause I was worried that one of my classmates might see my profile and everyone would cyber bully me. My best friend Ralph got cyber bullied last year…..he didn’t make it. People at school found out that he played neopets and the teachers organized an assembly where they shot him and fed him to the special ed. kids and burned his house down and punched a hole right through his grandmas ass and spray painted the words “RAT FUCKER” on his driveway and rigged his moms van with a huge bomb and it blew up when his mom was driving with his grandma and stole his clothes and wore them. Anyways, I decided I was going to use the website “sloppypussymilfs.com”. I only had pictures of me taking a bath with my dad but they were better than nothing so I uploaded them. My carefully crafted bio said , “not looking for casual hookups, trying to have big babies. If you got a bush don’t even FUCKIN waste my time. I like it sloppy and I like cumming and I like SHITTING. If that’s too much for you then LOG OFF!”

It started slow and I was losing hope, these ladies had pussies way sloppier than I ever thought possible. Most of them looked like incense burning cat ladies and I was ready to give up. Finally I found someone that got my attention. This lady was gorgeous, her photo was her on boat with a fishing hook in her ass. She seemed familiar. I messaged her and said, “you seem like a cool chick, I like the asshole boat picture, you are juicy”. My mom began giggling and blushing while reading her phone on the couch. She replied “OMG u just made me laugh in front of my son!” I replied back, “I wouldn’t mind seein deeper into your asshole.” She replied back “ok one second”. My mom stood up on the kitchen table and dropped her pants and stuck her phone into her ass and took a photo, which kinda killed the mood but I ignored her. Moments later I received a real dirty sexy photo of the inside of an asshole. My dad was watchin a war documentary and didn’t notice any of this. This was for sure my mom. This was so wild, “meet me in the backyard for sex” I held my breathe and hit send. My mom sprinted into the backyard. I slowly tiptoed outside and approached her on the swing set. “MAMAAAA BABY NEEDS MILKY!” I screamed as I powerbombed her off the playhouse roof. Her tits had veins all over them and I knew that those veins had milk in them. “GET IN THE DOGHOUSE!” I demanded and she started barking wildly as I sprayed her eyes with the hose. She fell in front of my neighbours truck and got her hair stuck in the tire as he pulled out of his driveway. She slapped her clit and sucked her own tits as gravel sprayed all down the driveway.

I took one last long drag, ashed the cigarette on the underside of my boot. I had promised myself I wasn’t gonna come here anymore….but here I am. Big Tony’s Tap and Grill. A cesspool in the cities underbelly. I had questions and Buig Tony had answers. I stumbled through the doorway, tripped on my own feet like a schmuk. I was hoping to enter the joint discreetly but I smacked my forehead off the ATM. All eyes were on me now as I crawled to usual booth. “Yer bleedin out toots” said the petite brunette waitress. “It’s only blood sweetheart” I said as I crawled to my usual spot in the northeast corner. This joint was smack dab in the heart of Jumbo Johnny’s turf and I wasn’t lookin for trouble. “14 black coffees sweetheart.” It was going to be a long night. She handed me. A bandaid,”u got a hole in ya head daddy” she said as she lifted me into the red velvet booth seats. Sweet girl. Too sweet for this town that’s for sure. “I’ll have a ketchup milkshake “ I screamed, loud as I could. I saw fear in her eyes. She must be new, not yet tainted by the city . I was jealous. “Name?” I growled …”they call me Wolf Puss”. Wolf puss……somethin was different about this one. She was morbidly obese…..real heavy girl. Had less teeth than a jack o lantern but she was too sweet. I reached in my pocket and pulled out a couple dozen buttons. “You should get outta here sweetheart”. She was confused but still obidient. She sprinted to the window and dove headfirst through aw the glass. I had to admit , she had guts. It was mid winter and I could see my breath. The large hole in the window only made the joint colder. I heard a booming from the kitchen. “That window is comin outta Wolfies pay cheque!!” Big tony. Jackpot. Tony’s the type of guy u recognize. You literally smell him before you see him. He was wearing his lucky Jeff Gordon t-shirt. But tonight even #34 wasn’t gonna save him. “TUESDAY DECEMBER 8th” I yelled as I set down my ketchup milkshake. “RING A BELL TONY?”. I watched his stomach sink. He was toast and he knew it. “That you jimmy??”t The words squeaked out of the cowards mouth like broken chalk on the blackboard . “Sit beside me fart ass” I demanded, careful to stay calm and collected while my blood boiled in veins. “Never thought you would fuck me TONE” the words were like bullets and Tony had forgotten his vest. He replied, I hardly even heard it. My ears rang, loudest silence I ever heard . I had already decided his fate hours earlier. Big Tony had committed an unforgivable sin. Really made a mess of things for the bosses. The bosses hate cleaning up. They always say “ I hate cleaning up”. He shoulda known better. It never gets easier ….hurtin a guy. I pulled a handful of sand out of my pocket and threw it into his eyes. “Pocket sand Tony” I smirked, “you remember pocket sand??”. I suddenly smelt fear, a distinct aroma. A pathetic cowardly stench. “The 8th Tony …..what happened on the 8th old friend?” I whispered to him as I sharpened my machete. It’s amazing how fear changes a man. I’ve seen it more times than I’d like to admit. “It wasn’t me jimmy!” He squealed, the words submerged in a sea of pubescent voice cracks. “You know me jimmy ! You know I’d never do that shit!” He pleaded as the urine pooled up beneath his feet. “Tony ……You’re the only one here who hasn’t figured out how dead you are yet” I locked eyes with my old friend “the only one Tony ……the only one “ He knew no words could fill the grave he was destined to lay in. “ You stole my uncles pool heater Tony ……and u thought I wouldn’t find out”. Tony began to cry . Fucking pathetic. “ His kids are cold Tony” I said as I filled a water bottle with half baileys and half whiskey ,” cold kids are bad for business tone”. He was cooked like a hangover pop tart and he knew it. The moon hid behind the ol Jenkins building as if it knew what was about to happen. I pulled my former friend to the ground by his rat tail haircut. It never gets easier …..hurtin a guy. But this was no guy. Hurting an animal is easy money.

I left the building, glanced around, had to make sure I didn’t have a tail on me. Turns out old wolf puss didn’t quite nail the landing. Ever seen a tree hundred pound broad layin in a pile of glass? Disgusting is what it is. And the noises…..the god Damn noises. I couldn’t let her blow my cover. I had already taken a life that night so why not take two? I tied her to a passing garbage truck. Tied her pathetic fat leg right to the grill. 79 Peterbilt, steel grill , she had no chance . Au Revoir madame. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Sposed to be in and out,real quiet. But it wasn’t, it was loud and Jumbo Johnny has ears like a mule. The moon peeked out far side of the Jenkins building.”look who decided to show up” I thought to myself. I felt like a sobeys lobster….not boiling yet but heading down a dark road….basically fucked.

2: TONY

Jimmy the wolf they called hem. Kid used to piss on hydro poles, used to talk about about “markiin his territory”. Us wise guys just assumed he was retarded. Mean, but retarded. A terrible combination if you really think about it. I was mixed up with a some bad guys, stole some pool heaters, didn’t think much of it. Turns out I was the hydro pole ,and jimmy was comin to piss on me. I had heard the stories, the tall tales. Heard he bit a deaf kids arm off but I considered myself something of a tough guy, after all I did have a rat tail haircut. It was a pretty normal night at the bar, I was in the back drinkin pickle juice when I heard the sickening noise of glass smashing . I immediately knew Wolf Puss was most likely dead. Leaving that kitchen and walkin into the restaurant I felt like I was walkin into a fuckin volcano or somethin. Alls I remember is seein jimmy there and a giant hole in the window behind him . This hole was shaped exactly like Wolf Puss so I knew she was either dead or at the very least super fucked up. Jimmy and I grew up together, used to do normal kid stuff like kill dogs and shit. I tried pleading my case to Jim but he just stared right through me. Kept staring at my rat tail haircut so understandably I was nervous. Last thing I remember was him swingin me around by my r- tail kinda like how Mario used to swing bowser around by his tail. The jimmy I used to let ride my bmx pegs was gone….replaced by a ketchup drinking monster.

3 :JIMMY

There was blood on my hands and I knew it. It was likely just ketchup but metaphorically, it was blood. I was knee deep in trouble and I had forgotten my knee water wings at home. As much as I hated the guy, I knew Jumbo Johnny ran this pond and I was just a pussy little tadpole. I had lost control. December 8th. What happened on December 8th? That was the million dollar question and Regis wouldn’t let me phone a friend. Tony stole my uncles pool heater, that much was obvious. But why? Who was pulling the strings? Never thought I’d say this but, I had to find Jumbo Johnny. He’s actually a tiny skinny guy, it’s one of those ironic nicknames . A real sick piece of shit. Just the sound of his name made my stomach turn. “Jumbo Johnny “. Gross. I threw a toothpick in my mouth and wandered over to the pizza joint on 34th street. The minute I walked in the door I felt like a diced pineapple on a pizza. I didn’t belong there and it was obvious. Then she walked in. The memory plays repeatedly in my head like a broken record. Large Marge, 13 feet of pure American woman. I’ll never forget the way she accidentally smacked her skull on the doorframe as she entered the establishment. I hate seeing a gal suffer, other than Wolf Puss, that didn’t bother me. Looking at her was like looking at two trains colliding head on. A sexy hideous tragedy. This pizza joint didn’t quite feel right. I asked for a large pepperoni and was immediately shot in the chest with a shotgun. Not exactly a warm welcome. It was right around this time that Large Marge finally regained consciousness and invited me out into the parking lot to talk. “How u feelin?” She asked. “Not so good sweetheart, got a bunch of shotgun shells in my chest” I replied, cheeky as ever. She laughed as if I was joking. I was not joking. The pain was excruciating but I tried to play it cool. She saw right through my little act. She reminded me of a hydro pole. I wanted to piss on her so bad but I couldn’t blow my cover. I had to say something smooth and fast. “Yo …bitch!” I yelled. I had officially played myself. She walked back into the pizzeria, fracturing her skull yet again on the doorframe. Then she made a gigantic mistake. In he midst of her concussed wild ramblings she showed her hand .”Jumbo……Johnny…..418 …..Main Street “. I couldn’t believe how convenient that was.

4. LARGE MARGE.

I remember seeing Jimmy but that’s about it.

5. JIMMY

I arrived at 481 Main Street. An old industrial building. Pallets and trucks littered the parking lot. Obviously a front, a fake business. I banged on the door , one, two, three….four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen. Blood dripped down my knuckles and my arm was exhausted. An elderly man holding a mop answered the door. “How’s business oldilocks? Where’s the 3 bears?” My incredible wit devastated the clearly disabled schmuck. He was visibly confused. Probably had never seen a man with enough courage to show up to johnnys place alone. “I’m just the nightshift janitor big fella” he squealed. His dentures fell out of his mouth and on to the gravel. I crushed them under my foot. “My d-d-d dentures! I can’t-“ I pulled his head clean off his body. I peaked my head in the steel door and was greeted by the smell of embarrassment. This truly was a real business. The workers screamed with confused terror. “Shit” I muttered “I fucked up guys, I thought this was 418 Main Street but it’s 481 Main Street. Shit guys. Sorry bout this guy I just killed here, truly my bad” I gently placed the janitors severed head on his bloody stump of a neck. My guilt grew larger when I realized this would in fact not bring him back to life. “WHOS GONNA FUCKIN DO THE JANITING NOW?!?” A particularly angry worker screamed. I walked out backwards and closed the door. I had really made a mess of this one. Time to get the hell outta dodge. I began to sprint but immediately tripped in a puddle. I pulled myself to my feet and sighed. “What the fuck jimmy you look like An idiot man!” I resumed my sprint. Another puddle. I looked down and realized I had soiled myself. I was glad large marge wasn’t here to see this. 3 hours and 11 puddles later I arrived at 418 Main Street, furious embarrassed and exhausted.

6. THE CREATURE

   The dull butter knife slid back and forth. The unpleasant sound of metal on bone echoed throughout the room. The teeth tore through the last layer of flesh and the leg fell to the floor. A figure appeared on one of the dozen security camera screens lining the wall. “What’s this?…..a canary has flown into my cage it seems” the man behind the screens exhaled hard and closed his eyes. “ Smarter than I thought boy…..” the man reached for the cold severed leg on the ground and picked it up. “ It’s perfect” he whispered. He pulled a string hanging from the ceiling and the room was illuminated by intense fluorescent light. A pile of flesh and thread sat menacingly in the corner. Countless legs stitched together, arranged in the shape of a Christmas tree. There were no gifts here, just a hellish landscape of limbs. “ It’s nearly finished” spoke the man, his voice shrill and terrifying. “I have to keep working…..god told me I had to finish it. He speaks through me” muttered the man. The janitor slowly backed out of the room. “It’s only missing one thing jimmy….my little plaything jimmy” whispered the man as he brushed the glass video screen with his fingers. “ The star on top of the tree….” The man shuddered in pleasure. The janitor re-emerged in the doorway with a police officer at his side. He pointed at the man behind the screens. The officer took a glance, shook his head and left the room. The mysterious man tied his shoes then approached a closet. He grabbed the closets handle with his tiny leathery hand and pulled it open. Legs spilled out onto the floor, some large and thick, some small and skinny, some with striped socks and oversized clown shoes on the feet. He ran his fingers over each leg individually, “eenie…..meany…..miney…..mo……fuck I love legs” he croaked.

7. OFFICER McSALTY

   I took a right turn and accelerated. My shift was nearly over and I was exhausted. Something caught my eye….I had been working this beat for just over a decade and I had seen it all. Atleast that’s what I thought. I flicked the spotlight on and my jaw dropped. The fattest broad you ever saw….soaked in blood laying in a pile of glass. I pulled my cruiser up closer to get a better look. She was hurt bad and struggling to breathe, a common symptom of obesity. When you put the badge on you undertake certain responsibilities, there are certain things you have to do, no matter how messy. I unrolled my window and leaned my head out. “ SUCKS TO BE YOU FATTTTYYYYYY” I screamed at the oversized flesh turtle stuck squirming on her shell. Pedal, meet floor. I began doing the longest loudest burnout ever known to man. Cop shit. I slammed the car into drive and accelerated down the street, laughing hysterically. “This is what it’s all about” I thought to myself. “This is what makes it all worth it” I power slid onto Main Street , Vin Diesel style. I noticed a headless dead man beside a mop and the remains of a set of dentures. I closed my eyes, said “LALALALALA” and continued driving. This city was a lost cause and even the cops didn’t care anymore. Trust me. I’m a cop. I had 5 minutes left in my shift and I wasn’t doin shit. Fuck it. I used to care, I really did. An old partner of mine said something to me once, he said “you can either care or live here….but you can’t do both kid” I didn’t get it, still kinda don’t but that’s life. I flicked my sirens on and began yelling “ WEOOO WEOOO WEOOO” as I drove off into the night . Cop shit.

8 JUMBO JOHNNY

A city is just a zoo….a zoo for people. Buncha schmuck penguins fightin in a cage. For what? To be king of some igloo? Great work birdo but ya still can’t fly. The penguin grows old and is replaced, then the cycle repeats. Now penguins ain’t dumb as I’m sure you know. They know they can’t be on top forever. Yet they strive for it. That’s power ladies and gentlemen. Power will make a man , or a penguin , do things. Dirty disgusting things even by penguin standards. Did you know the dad penguin takes care of the eggs? Always thought that was neat. Well just so happens that I’m top penguin in this particular cage. I’ll probly be on top forever despite what I just said mere moments ago. Jimmy the wolf ? Yea no shit I heard o’him, every crook from here to ….other places knows bout em. “He’s mean” they say, “he’s ruthless” they say, “he’s a fuckin mentally ill piss sprayin death machine” they say. Makes me laugh. Suddenly I heard what sounded vaguely like a forehead slammin off the ol hideout door. I set down my colouring book and grabbed a hot dog that I had sharpened into a shiv from under my bed. “Well hot diggity dog” I muttered immediately before accidentally eating my weapon . It was old, worst dog I’d eaten in ages. Sharp too, didn’t help that it went down the wrong tube. My belly was howlin but I wasn’t bout to go out like some punk who couldn’t handle a measly Schneiders. I prepared for the worst and swung the door open to greet my visitor.

9 JIMMY

I spit my licorice on the ground in disgust. “Fuck licorice” I muttered to myself. I banged my forehead on the door, my hand was in no shape for knockin. I was tired of this game, to be honest I don’t even remember why I was lookin for Jumbo Johnny anymore but I was too committed to quit. The door swung open and there he was, Jumbo Johnny in the flesh. Some people called him jaydubs but I refused to do that cause it was a lame nickname in my opinion. “Jimmmmyyyyyy” he bellowed. That was my name, there was a good chance he was talkin to me. “The fuck you doin here?”. I froze. What was I doing there? I had no idea. “Good, you?” I said, like a fucking red nosed clown idiot. “…..what?” Asked Jumbo Johnny tucked comfortably in his ketchup stained wife beater. I felt like a two-bit jelly belly. The pool heaters…. Big Tony took pool heaters and I had a feeling Johnny was responsible so I…..killed a janitor?? Jesus Christ jimmy you’re losing it man this is so pointless. “You’re dumb!” I screamed, knowing deep down it was in fact me who was dumb. “ No jimmy…….” I prayed he didn’t call me dumb. “ YOURE DUMB!” Yelled jaydubs. Fuck, my nightmare had come true. My life was a god damn joke and I could barely even laugh. But I did. “Why the fuck are you laughing you weird fuck?” Asked Jumbo Jimmy or whatever the fuck his name was. “ATLEAST IM NOT A DUMB” I yelled as I flipped double middle fingers with reckless abandon. This was going horribly and I knew it. I had pictures this moment thousands of time and not even once did I imagine myself

Looking so fucking lame. Had I lost my touch ? Did I ever even have a touch? Am I even a detective? I had killed people tonight for this. Tears streamed down my face and in between my pathetic sobs I managed to say “ THIS IS BULLYING” I swung a wild punch at Jumbo Johnny but missed and banged my head off the ATM beside the door. A familiar feeling.

10 OFFICER MCSALTY

“Can’t believe I’m a fuckin cop…..makes no sense” The cruiser’s tires bounced for reasons unknown. “Fuckin potholes” I glanced in the rear view and saw something dragging itself across the street. Something with thumbs. “ that was nooooooot a pothole not at all oopsies “ a normy would fry for that. Not me though cause I’m the planet’s apex predator. A cop who was bullied in high school. “Pick me last in dodgeball? Dodge this” I held my gun out the window tilted 90 degrees. “Pew pew pew gotcha bad guys” my car slammed violently into a hydro pole. Hydron’t really know what happened.

I had finally finished wiring the solar panels on the roof of my log cabin and my home was officially 100% self sustainable. I grew vegetables in the garden and fished in the nearby creek for protein. I occasionally ate my own feces just to keep my immune system on its toes. The sun set atop the hills to the east which defied science. I was proud of my work and I celebrated by putting my feet up on my wicker chair and filling my pipe with tobacco before enjoying a few relaxing puffs. I had finally found serenity alone in the woods, miles from the nearest human being. Suddenly there was a bang on my door. Surely it must be a branch blown by the wind, for no one on the planet knew my location. Then a pattern of knocks, you know, the classic doo-doo-da-loo-doo….doo doo. Impossible. I cautiously loaded my shotgun and tip toed to the door. Perhaps they had found me, perhaps the enemies from my past life had tracked me down somehow, using satellites or even a tracker on my jeep. I held my gun to the door at head level and yelled in a stern commanding voice. “There is no one in this house right now !”. The reply was 85 knocks on my door within 4 seconds. Lightning handed forest demon, I feared for my life. “This house doesn’t have an owner it’s just been here empty for ever.” I yelled. I pulled the trigger of my shotgun which was loaded with a slug and disintegrated the top half of my door in sawdust. I quickly kicked the door open to see what I had shot. A Girl Scout roughly 4 feet tall greeted me on my porch covered in camouflage face paint and a couple feet too short to be hit with my kill shot. “Want some mafuckin Girl Scout cookies player?” She said innocently. I noticed a golden tooth in her mouth. “How did you find me?” I asked, baffled and trembling. “We got da vanillas we got da chocolates we got all sorts of mafuckas” replied the young girl in a voice so innocent and sweet that it was terrifying. “No thank you….I’m not interested little girl.” I bellowed in a gruff tone. “You GOTSTA take a lil baby nibble out one o’deez lil mafuckas son, deez cookies so nice you gon wanna eat em twice cuz.” She said, unbothered by my refusal. “You should le-“ I was abruptly interrupted, “ If I was you I’d buy some fuckin cookies playa….otherwise it’s gon be a bad mafuckin day for you aight?!” I was confused, scared, and angry all at once. “I’m going to count to 3….and if your still on my porch I’m going to shoot you little girl.” The thought of shooting a 45 pound young child with a shotgun unsettled me but I was willing to do whatever it took to protect myself. “Then shoot….” She said unblinking and calm as a lakes surface during a sunrise. “But I really really….REALLY hope you don’t miss….cuz if you do…..I would perceive that as a threat….” I felt my hands begin to tremble in fear, it felt like this was some sort of delirious fever dream or hallucinagenic trip gone terribly wrong. “And if I were to perceive you as a threat…..I would be left with no choice but to defend myself…..and you don’t want that mister.” Something was horribly wrong here, although in the surface it was merely a preteen Girl Scout on my porch, it began to feel like truthfully this was some sort of ancient abomination, some sort of otherworldly terror masquerading beneath a freckled mask of flesh. I was frozen in fear and completely unable to speak, she continued, “So be a good boy would you……and buy a box of cookies.” She said as she smiled the grin of a pure hearted, sweet kind little girl. My senses recoiled in a confused horror unable to process the unnatural thing in front of me. What was she? Was she even ….a she? I vomited on my shoes as the feeling of pins and needles consumed my body. I struggled not to faint as my legs grew weak and my knees wobbled. She reached out, grabbed my shotgun by the barrel, rested it between her upper and lower teeth and squeezed the trigger. Although the gun audibly fired she was completely unharmed. No blood….no exit wound….no pained scream….no reaction of any kind….just that sickening smile. It reminded me of the way an alien would emulate a human smile after countless hours of studying humans on film. “I should go now mister….but I’ll be back tomorrow….and the day after….and everyday after until I’m bored of you…..see ya later!” She said as she skipped merilly down my steps and into the woods. I collapsed.

My first day was flying by. I couldn’t believe it was already noon! I was the new hire at Patrick’s Pet Spa, where my duties including giving all haircuts and baths to some of the cutest little dogs and cats I had ever seen. Although I didn’t have any experience in this field I was confident I would excel here. I was now halfway through my first day and I already felt like I had gotten the hang of it. I waltzed into the break room, glowing with confidence and excitement. My boss Patrick was seated, enjoying a bagel when he noticed me. “Heyyyy there’s our new star groomer!” He chuckled set down his snack. “How’s your first day goin?! I heard they had you workin on Sparky?! Mrs. Jones loves that dog, he’s a real rascal!” Patrick was awesome, he made me feel at home right away. “It’s goin great!!” I exclaimed as I gave him two thumbs up with my blood soaked hands. “So where do we put the bodies?” I asked Patrick. “…..bodies?” He asked. I clarified, “Like when we are done with the dogs, where do we throw the pieces out?” I had just been flushing them down the toilet but I wanted to make sure I was properly doing my job. It’s important not to develop bad habits at work. “Jesus Christ….” Patrick seemed upset which confused me. I suddenly felt sick and vomited onto the floor. “IS THAT A FUCKING CAT?!” Patrick screamed hysterically. I had eaten a cat earlier which I thought was normal but judging by my boss’ reaction it seemed as though I had made a mistake. “Did I do it wrong?” I asked, I felt my face go red with embarrassment. Patrick began to vomit uncontrollably like a copy-cat but his barf had no cats in it. I crawled into the cupboard and hoped they didn’t see me. They immediately dragged me out of the cupboard and violently beat me. They slammed my head in the freezer door atleast 75 times and held my fingers in the toaster. Patrick began squeezing my ass and grinding his teeth together. He tried to speak but due to his clenched jaw I couldn’t quite understand what he was saying. It was obvious it was dirty talk though. The job description said that it was a friendly environment but as I sat there with a broken skull and a finger in my ass I had my doubts. We climaxed in unison and embraced as the sun set. “I shouldn’t have eaten that cat” I admitted as I rested my head on Patrick’s chest. “It’s ok” he assured me as he stroked his fingers through my hair. “I shouldn’t have killed Sparky” I mumbled. “It’s ok” repeated the wildly naked Patrick. I had finally found my soulmate.