Im ashamed to admit….im a janitor. I smoked a shit load of weed in highschool and failed every class….4 times….even gym….even guitar. I worked at a womens shelter and these broads were mean as hell and strong to boot. One day my boss says to me, he says “cut the fuckin grass retard!” So i hop on the lawnmower and get down to business. Everythings goin pretty dope until i fuckin drive into the koi...

Bedtime was 10 pm. It had always been 10 pm. Like manu, i am a creature of habit, at 9 pm I would slip into my pajamas, let my dog Shadow out, make a p b and j sandwich and lay in bed listening to podcasts until i drifted off. Until last night when something strange happened. I had gotten a new job, working 7 a m till 4 p m driving forklift at the warehouse a couple blocks over. My body was adjust...

I needed a job bad, i needed smackers. I fired up microsoft word and opened my resume. I changed my name to Elon Musk and edited my job experience to say i had been a nurse for 600 years and that i single handedly cured the bubonic plague. I said my hobbies included saving the world and inventing new medicines and occasionally fist fighting germs. A local nursing home was thrilled to have Elon Mus...

“Alright class this exam will be worth 30% of your final mark, i advise you all to take your time and do your best” i felt kid cum drip down my balls and out my louis vitton skirt. “Begin now” I immediately heard whispers amongst the students. “Guys something fucked just happened, Mr. Clark just held a gun to my head and demanded i creampied him” i was intrigued by what i heard so i let the conver...

The raindrops had declared war on the tin roof. As if I needed any help stayin awake. I reached into the darkness till I felt the chain on my bedside lamp and pulled. “Christ thats fuckin bright” I thought to myself as I squinted and gave my eyes a minute to adjust to the light. My pupils finally focused enough for me to read the crooked clock on the wall. 4:37 AM, “guess I’m the early bird toda...

I am poison. I am plague. I am a virus killing all that I touch. I am darkness. I am filth. I am all that I hate. I am putrid. I am sickness. I am the destroyer of hope. I am temptation. I am decadence. I am weakness parading as strength. I am despair. I am pain. I am the hand that holds you back. I am dead. I am black. I am a parasite that steals. I am ruin. I am empty. I am an enemy of life. I a...

I was tired of being lonely. I always thought that online dating was only for losers and desperate nerds, but I had nothin to lose so I decided that today was the day I would give it a try. I decided I wasn’t going to use the popular apps, like tinder or bumble cause I was worried that one of my classmates might see my profile and everyone would cyber bully me. My best friend Ralph got cyber bulli...

I took one last long drag, ashed the cigarette on the underside of my boot. I had promised myself I wasn’t gonna come here anymore….but here I am. Big Tony’s Tap and Grill. A cesspool in the cities underbelly. I had questions and Buig Tony had answers. I stumbled through the doorway, tripped on my own feet like a schmuk. I was hoping to enter the joint discreetly but I smacked my forehead off the ...

I had finally finished wiring the solar panels on the roof of my log cabin and my home was officially 100% self sustainable. I grew vegetables in the garden and fished in the nearby creek for protein. I occasionally ate my own feces just to keep my immune system on its toes. The sun set atop the hills to the east which defied science. I was proud of my work and I celebrated by putting my feet up o...

My first day was flying by. I couldn’t believe it was already noon! I was the new hire at Patrick’s Pet Spa, where my duties including giving all haircuts and baths to some of the cutest little dogs and cats I had ever seen. Although I didn’t have any experience in this field I was confident I would excel here. I was now halfway through my first day and I already felt like I had gotten the hang of...