I took one last long drag, ashed the cigarette on the underside of my boot. I had promised myself I wasn’t gonna come here anymore….but here I am. Big Tony’s Tap and Grill. A cesspool in the cities underbelly. I had questions and Buig Tony had answers. I stumbled through the doorway, tripped on my own feet like a schmuk. I was hoping to enter the joint discreetly but I smacked my forehead off the ATM. All eyes were on me now as I crawled to usual booth. “Yer bleedin out toots” said the petite brunette waitress. “It’s only blood sweetheart” I said as I crawled to my usual spot in the northeast corner. This joint was smack dab in the heart of Jumbo Johnny’s turf and I wasn’t lookin for trouble.

“14 black coffees sweetheart.” It was going to be a long night. She handed me. A bandaid,”u got a hole in ya head daddy” she said as she lifted me into the red velvet booth seats. Sweet girl. Too sweet for this town that’s for sure. “I’ll have a ketchup milkshake “ I screamed, loud as I could. I saw fear in her eyes. She must be new, not yet tainted by the city . I was jealous. “Name?” I growled …”they call me Wolf Puss”. Wolf puss……somethin was different about this one. She was morbidly obese…..real heavy girl. Had less teeth than a jack o lantern but she was too sweet. I reached in my pocket and pulled out a couple dozen buttons. “You should get outta here sweetheart”. She was confused but still obidient. She sprinted to the window and dove headfirst through aw the glass. I had to admit , she had guts. It was mid winter and I could see my breath. The large hole in the window only made the joint colder. I heard a booming from the kitchen. “That window is comin outta Wolfies pay cheque!!” Big tony. Jackpot. Tony’s the type of guy u recognize. You literally smell him before you see him. He was wearing his lucky Jeff Gordon t-shirt. But tonight even #34 wasn’t gonna save him. “TUESDAY DECEMBER 8th” I yelled as I set down my ketchup milkshake. “RING A BELL TONY?”. I watched his stomach sink. He was toast and he knew it. “That you jimmy??”t The words squeaked out of the cowards mouth like broken chalk on the blackboard . “Sit beside me fart ass” I demanded, careful to stay calm and collected while my blood boiled in veins. “Never thought you would fuck me TONE” the words were like bullets and Tony had forgotten his vest. He replied, I hardly even heard it. My ears rang, loudest silence I ever heard . I had already decided his fate hours earlier. Big Tony had committed an unforgivable sin. Really made a mess of things for the bosses. The bosses hate cleaning up. They always say “ I hate cleaning up”. He shoulda known better. It never gets easier ….hurtin a guy. I pulled a handful of sand out of my pocket and threw it into his eyes. “Pocket sand Tony” I smirked, “you remember pocket sand??”. I suddenly smelt fear, a distinct aroma. A pathetic cowardly stench. “The 8th Tony …..what happened on the 8th old friend?” I whispered to him as I sharpened my machete. It’s amazing how fear changes a man. I’ve seen it more times than I’d like to admit. “It wasn’t me jimmy!” He squealed, the words submerged in a sea of pubescent voice cracks. “You know me jimmy ! You know I’d never do that shit!” He pleaded as the urine pooled up beneath his feet. “Tony ……You’re the only one here who hasn’t figured out how dead you are yet” I locked eyes with my old friend “the only one Tony ……the only one “

He knew no words could fill the grave he was destined to lay in. “ You stole my uncles pool heater Tony ……and u thought I wouldn’t find out”. Tony began to cry . Fucking pathetic. “ His kids are cold Tony” I said as I filled a water bottle with half baileys and half whiskey ,” cold kids are bad for business tone”. He was cooked like a hangover pop tart and he knew it. The moon hid behind the ol Jenkins building as if it knew what was about to happen. I pulled my former friend to the ground by his rat tail haircut. It never gets easier …..hurtin a guy. But this was no guy. Hurting an animal is easy money.

I left the building, glanced around, had to make sure I didn’t have a tail on me. Turns out old wolf puss didn’t quite nail the landing. Ever seen a tree hundred pound broad layin in a pile of glass? Disgusting is what it is. And the noises…..the god Damn noises. I couldn’t let her blow my cover. I had already taken a life that night so why not take two? I tied her to a passing garbage truck. Tied her pathetic fat leg right to the grill. 79 Peterbilt, steel grill , she had no chance . Au Revoir madame. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Sposed to be in and out,real quiet. But it wasn’t, it was loud and Jumbo Johnny has ears like a mule. The moon peeked out far side of the Jenkins building.”look who decided to show up” I thought to myself. I felt like a sobeys lobster….not boiling yet but heading down a dark road….basically fucked.

2: TONY

Jimmy the wolf they called hem. Kid used to piss on hydro poles, used to talk about about “markiin his territory”. Us wise guys just assumed he was retarded. Mean, but retarded. A terrible combination if you really think about it. I was mixed up with a some bad guys, stole some pool heaters, didn’t think much of it. Turns out I was the hydro pole ,and jimmy was comin to piss on me. I had heard the stories, the tall tales. Heard he bit a deaf kids arm off but I considered myself something of a tough guy, after all I did have a rat tail haircut. It was a pretty normal night at the bar, I was in the back drinkin pickle juice when I heard the sickening noise of glass smashing . I immediately knew Wolf Puss was most likely dead. Leaving that kitchen and walkin into the restaurant I felt like I was walkin into a fuckin volcano or somethin. Alls I remember is seein jimmy there and a giant hole in the window behind him . This hole was shaped exactly like Wolf Puss so I knew she was either dead or at the very least super fucked up. Jimmy and I grew up together, used to do normal kid stuff like kill dogs and shit. I tried pleading my case to Jim but he just stared right through me. Kept staring at my rat tail haircut so understandably I was nervous. Last thing I remember was him swingin me around by my r- tail kinda like how Mario used to swing bowser around by his tail. The jimmy I used to let ride my bmx pegs was gone….replaced by a ketchup drinking monster.

3 :JIMMY

There was blood on my hands and I knew it. It was likely just ketchup but metaphorically, it was blood. I was knee deep in trouble and I had forgotten my knee water wings at home. As much as I hated the guy, I knew Jumbo Johnny ran this pond and I was just a pussy little tadpole. I had lost control. December 8th. What happened on December 8th? That was the million dollar question and Regis wouldn’t let me phone a friend. Tony stole my uncles pool heater, that much was obvious. But why? Who was pulling the strings? Never thought I’d say this but, I had to find Jumbo Johnny. He’s actually a tiny skinny guy, it’s one of those ironic nicknames . A real sick piece of shit. Just the sound of his name made my stomach turn. “Jumbo Johnny “. Gross. I threw a toothpick in my mouth and wandered over to the pizza joint on 34th street. The minute I walked in the door I felt like a diced pineapple on a pizza. I didn’t belong there and it was obvious. Then she walked in. The memory plays repeatedly in my head like a broken record. Large Marge, 13 feet of pure American woman. I’ll never forget the way she accidentally smacked her skull on the doorframe as she entered the establishment. I hate seeing a gal suffer, other than Wolf Puss, that didn’t bother me. Looking at her was like looking at two trains colliding head on. A sexy hideous tragedy. This pizza joint didn’t quite feel right. I asked for a large pepperoni and was immediately shot in the chest with a shotgun. Not exactly a warm welcome. It was right around this time that Large Marge finally regained consciousness and invited me out into the parking lot to talk. “How u feelin?” She asked. “Not so good sweetheart, got a bunch of shotgun shells in my chest” I replied, cheeky as ever. She laughed as if I was joking. I was not joking. The pain was excruciating but I tried to play it cool. She saw right through my little act. She reminded me of a hydro pole. I wanted to piss on her so bad but I couldn’t blow my cover. I had to say something smooth and fast. “Yo …bitch!” I yelled. I had officially played myself. She walked back into the pizzeria, fracturing her skull yet again on the doorframe. Then she made a gigantic mistake. In he midst of her concussed wild ramblings she showed her hand .”Jumbo……Johnny…..418 …..Main Street “. I couldn’t believe how convenient that was.

4. LARGE MARGE.

I remember seeing Jimmy but that’s about it.

5. JIMMY

I arrived at 481 Main Street. An old industrial building. Pallets and trucks littered the parking lot. Obviously a front, a fake business. I banged on the door , one, two, three….four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen. Blood dripped down my knuckles and my arm was exhausted. An elderly man holding a mop answered the door. “How’s business oldilocks? Where’s the 3 bears?” My incredible wit devastated the clearly disabled schmuck. He was visibly confused. Probably had never seen a man with enough courage to show up to johnnys place alone. “I’m just the nightshift janitor big fella” he squealed. His dentures fell out of his mouth and on to the gravel. I crushed them under my foot. “My d-d-d dentures! I can’t-“ I pulled his head clean off his body. I peaked my head in the steel door and was greeted by the smell of embarrassment. This truly was a real business. The workers screamed with confused terror. “Shit” I muttered “I fucked up guys, I thought this was 418 Main Street but it’s 481 Main Street. Shit guys. Sorry bout this guy I just killed here, truly my bad” I gently placed the janitors severed head on his bloody stump of a neck. My guilt grew larger when I realized this would in fact not bring him back to life. “WHOS GONNA FUCKIN DO THE JANITING NOW?!?” A particularly angry worker screamed. I walked out backwards and closed the door. I had really made a mess of this one. Time to get the hell outta dodge. I began to sprint but immediately tripped in a puddle. I pulled myself to my feet and sighed. “What the fuck jimmy you look like An idiot man!” I resumed my sprint. Another puddle. I looked down and realized I had soiled myself. I was glad large marge wasn’t here to see this. 3 hours and 11 puddles later I arrived at 418 Main Street, furious embarrassed and exhausted.

6. THE CREATURE

The dull butter knife slid back and forth. The unpleasant sound of metal on bone echoed throughout the room. The teeth tore through the last layer of flesh and the leg fell to the floor. A figure appeared on one of the dozen security camera screens lining the wall. “What’s this?…..a canary has flown into my cage it seems” the man behind the screens exhaled hard and closed his eyes. “ Smarter than I thought boy…..” the man reached for the cold severed leg on the ground and picked it up. “ It’s perfect” he whispered. He pulled a string hanging from the ceiling and the room was illuminated by intense fluorescent light. A pile of flesh and thread sat menacingly in the corner. Countless legs stitched together, arranged in the shape of a Christmas tree. There were no gifts here, just a hellish landscape of limbs. “ It’s nearly finished” spoke the man, his voice shrill and terrifying. “I have to keep working…..god told me I had to finish it. He speaks through me” muttered the man. The janitor slowly backed out of the room. “It’s only missing one thing jimmy….my little plaything jimmy” whispered the man as he brushed the glass video screen with his fingers. “ The star on top of the tree….” The man shuddered in pleasure. The janitor re-emerged in the doorway with a police officer at his side. He pointed at the man behind the screens. The officer took a glance, shook his head and left the room. The mysterious man tied his shoes then approached a closet. He grabbed the closets handle with his tiny leathery hand and pulled it open. Legs spilled out onto the floor, some large and thick, some small and skinny, some with striped socks and oversized clown shoes on the feet. He ran his fingers over each leg individually, “eenie…..meany…..miney…..mo……fuck I love legs” he croaked.

7. OFFICER McSALTY

I took a right turn and accelerated. My shift was nearly over and I was exhausted. Something caught my eye….I had been working this beat for just over a decade and I had seen it all. Atleast that’s what I thought. I flicked the spotlight on and my jaw dropped. The fattest broad you ever saw….soaked in blood laying in a pile of glass. I pulled my cruiser up closer to get a better look. She was hurt bad and struggling to breathe, a common symptom of obesity. When you put the badge on you undertake certain responsibilities, there are certain things you have to do, no matter how messy. I unrolled my window and leaned my head out. “ SUCKS TO BE YOU FATTTTYYYYYY” I screamed at the oversized flesh turtle stuck squirming on her shell. Pedal, meet floor. I began doing the longest loudest burnout ever known to man. Cop shit. I slammed the car into drive and accelerated down the street, laughing hysterically. “This is what it’s all about” I thought to myself. “This is what makes it all worth it” I power slid onto Main Street , Vin Diesel style. I noticed a headless dead man beside a mop and the remains of a set of dentures. I closed my eyes, said “LALALALALA” and continued driving. This city was a lost cause and even the cops didn’t care anymore. Trust me. I’m a cop. I had 5 minutes left in my shift and I wasn’t doin shit. Fuck it. I used to care, I really did. An old partner of mine said something to me once, he said “you can either care or live here….but you can’t do both kid” I didn’t get it, still kinda don’t but that’s life. I flicked my sirens on and began yelling “ WEOOO WEOOO WEOOO” as I drove off into the night . Cop shit.

8 JUMBO JOHNNY

A city is just a zoo….a zoo for people. Buncha schmuck penguins fightin in a cage. For what? To be king of some igloo?

Great work birdo but ya still can’t fly. The penguin grows old and is replaced, then the cycle repeats. Now penguins ain’t dumb as I’m sure you know. They know they can’t be on top forever. Yet they strive for it. That’s power ladies and gentlemen. Power will make a man , or a penguin , do things. Dirty disgusting things even by penguin standards. Did you know the dad penguin takes care of the eggs? Always thought that was neat. Well just so happens that I’m top penguin in this particular cage. I’ll probly be on top forever despite what I just said mere moments ago. Jimmy the wolf ? Yea no shit I heard o’him, every crook from here to ….other places knows bout em. “He’s mean” they say, “he’s ruthless” they say, “he’s a fuckin mentally ill piss sprayin death machine” they say. Makes me laugh. Suddenly I heard what sounded vaguely like a forehead slammin off the ol hideout door. I set down my colouring book and grabbed a hot dog that I had sharpened into a shiv from under my bed. “Well hot diggity dog” I muttered immediately before accidentally eating my weapon . It was old, worst dog I’d eaten in ages. Sharp too, didn’t help that it went down the wrong tube. My belly was howlin but I wasn’t bout to go out like some punk who couldn’t handle a measly Schneiders. I prepared for the worst and swung the door open to greet my visitor.

9 JIMMY

I spit my licorice on the ground in disgust. “Fuck licorice” I muttered to myself. I banged my forehead on the door, my hand was in no shape for knockin. I was tired of this game, to be honest I don’t even remember why I was lookin for Jumbo Johnny anymore but I was too committed to quit. The door swung open and there he was, Jumbo Johnny in the flesh. Some people called him jaydubs but I refused to do that cause it was a lame nickname in my opinion. “Jimmmmyyyyyy” he bellowed. That was my name, there was a good chance he was talkin to me. “The fuck you doin here?”. I froze. What was I doing there? I had no idea. “Good, you?” I said, like a fucking red nosed clown idiot. “…..what?” Asked Jumbo Johnny tucked comfortably in his ketchup stained wife beater. I felt like a two-bit jelly belly. The pool heaters…. Big Tony took pool heaters and I had a feeling Johnny was responsible so I…..killed a janitor?? Jesus Christ jimmy you’re losing it man this is so pointless. “You’re dumb!” I screamed, knowing deep down it was in fact me who was dumb. “ No jimmy…….” I prayed he didn’t call me dumb. “ YOURE DUMB!” Yelled jaydubs. Fuck, my nightmare had come true. My life was a god damn joke and I could barely even laugh. But I did. “Why the fuck are you laughing you weird fuck?” Asked Jumbo Jimmy or whatever the fuck his name was. “ATLEAST IM NOT A DUMB” I yelled as I flipped double middle fingers with reckless abandon. This was going horribly and I knew it. I had pictures this moment thousands of time and not even once did I imagine myself

Looking so fucking lame. Had I lost my touch ? Did I ever even have a touch? Am I even a detective? I had killed people tonight for this. Tears streamed down my face and in between my pathetic sobs I managed to say “ THIS IS BULLYING” I swung a wild punch at Jumbo Johnny but missed and banged my head off the ATM beside the door. A familiar feeling.

10 OFFICER MCSALTY

“Can’t believe I’m a fuckin cop…..makes no sense” The cruiser’s tires bounced for reasons unknown. “Fuckin potholes” I glanced in the rear view and saw something dragging itself across the street. Something with thumbs. “ that was nooooooot a pothole not at all oopsies “ a normy would fry for that. Not me though cause I’m the planet’s apex predator. A cop who was bullied in high school. “Pick me last in dodgeball? Dodge this” I held my gun out the window tilted 90 degrees. “Pew pew pew gotcha bad guys” my car slammed violently into a hydro pole. Hydron’t really know what happened.