I had to do it.

I didn’t have a choice.

He couldn’t know what I was hiding from him.

They would hunt him down and take what information they could from him and leave the scraps for me to find.

Grey continued to look at me with those icey blue eyes as round as the moon.

“I don’t…Adie, I don’t understand,” he whispered. “I know we said to not get attached, but…”

My heart was cracking and I was about to split in half.

I closed my eyes and pulled the mask that I had become so accustommed to burying around him back into place before stopping him and said, “Stop before you make yourself a fool. You and I both know that in our line of work what weaknesses can do. Don’t make me one for you,” I could see him stumble backwards and took the opportunity to dig the knife in just a little deeper. “It would be your fault if you got killed, but I wouldn’t let it stain my conscience.”

I turned to leave before I fell apart when he grabbed my hand, faster than most with the help of his magic and said, “You don’t mean any of this. I have seen the look in your eyes and felt it on your skin.” He turned me around to face him, eyes flicking back and forth. I could smell the mint tea from earlier on his breath still as I glanced down to his full lips and remembered how they always felt pressed to mine.

“You are saying these things now but one day, you’ll realize I am your weakness too,” he let go of my arm and took a step back. “And because of that, I can let you go too. If you aren’t willing to fight for me, I won’t fight for you anymore either. But when you realize that we are meant to be together, I will be there when you find me. In this life or the next, this world or a different realm entirely, find me or I’ll find you.”

I looked out the window to the open sky where the full moon shone among the stars. Why did he have to say such sweet words? Sweet words that were lodging needles in my chest.

One deep breath and my mask was more fortified than it was. “Poetic, Grey, but you and are not destined for anything other than ruin and death. We won’t see each other in another life or realm because there is nothing waiting for us on the other side of the Veil.”

Straightening my back and squaring up to him once more, I allowed myself one last look at him. His tousled black hair that always curled when he sweat or when there was moisture in the air. His striking blue eyes that squinted when he smiled wide or laughed and the dimple that appeared in his cheek. The strong boad nose that he would graze down my neck and collarbone before placing a soft kiss there with that perfect bow shaped mouth.

That was enough. No more gazing. I tucked the image of him away in my mind and made a vow to only pull the thought out when I would feel particularly pitiful.

Reaching to fasten my jacket, I grazed my hand along the dagger in the pocket stitched to the inside to make sure it was still there. It was the only one that mattered now.

“Goodbye, Grey,” I said and walked out the door of the apartment.

——————

After leaving the apartment building, I wandered down the street keeping myself together the best I could. Everything in me was revolting against what I had said to Grey and every part of my body screamed to run back to him, but I knew that could never happen. I would let myself fall apart into a million tiny pieces if it meant he was safe and had a chance at life.

Things were never supposed to become that intertwined. We had agreed to only give ourselves to each other physically. Agreed to fuck. We had been each others firsts and we had wanted to be the ones to pick who that was with and not be told we had to seduce and then assassinate. So we had picked each other.

We had trained together for years and generally worked well together when he wasn’t being an arrogant pain in my ass.

I stepped off the road and into a barren alley that had empty crates and a lone cat in the corner. I leaned forward against the stone with my forearms, letting my head fall and let the wave of emotions run over me.

I let the mask crumble away and allowed every feeling to rise to the surface as I felt every tear fall and every sob escape my throat.

Every time I chose to feel my emotions after donning the mask, everything hit me tenfold. Frustration turned to anger, annoyance turned to hatred, sadness turned to anguish. It became difficult to sift through the hysterics and reality but I had learned to harden myself and breathe.

Closing my eyes, I took deep breaths and felt my heart rate slow as the tears slowed and just welled in my eyes. I stood up and looked to the night sky and sent a prayer to the Divine to keep my heart safe since it no longer belonged to me and I would never get it back.

If I pulled all this off, Grey would never know that my heart would always be his.

I wiped my eyes, pulled my sleeves down and stepped out of the alley onto the main street. Moving foward, I thought back to Grey’s words and secretly hoped for that next life in another realm where we could just be Grey and Adie.