Three days had passed since she crawled into that bed. Three days since he’d seen the vibrant light in her eyes. Gray had been bringing food and water to Adie’s side table for the last day and a half when he realized she wasn’t planning to move anytime soon. She’d sipped from the cup and taken tiny bites of the now stale bread before rolling back over and either falling asleep or staring at the wall. Worry was starting to gnaw a hole in his gut. He’d seen the waves of sadness overtake her gaze before and on multiple occasions, but he’d never seen her like this. It was as if she’d fallen into a hole and had given up trying to get out. Sitting in a rickety chair across from her, he gazed at her figure balled up under the thin fabric. He could tell she had her knees up to her chest and knew she was still breathing by the soft rise of her shoulders. Shifting his weight farther back into the chair which made a loud creak, Adie began to stir. She stretched out and rolled onto her back before slowly turning her head towards him, eyes open and blank. Gray shot to his feet and was across the space in an instant. He knelt on the tattered rug beside her bed and gently put his forearms on the bed, hesitant to reach out to touch her. Her hands were still under the blanket and he didn’t want to startle her by grazing her face, no matter how much he wanted to feel the soft skin under his finger tips. Her citrine eyes found his and she blinked. “Hey,” she said quietly. Gray took in her features, which seemed sharper and dull all at once. The lack of food and quality sleep had taken its toll. “Hey,” he responded and took a chance. He reached his out and light ran the back of his fingers down her cheek. He wasn’t sure how she would react, but he wasn’t prepared for the feelings that stirred in his heart as she slowly closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. Taking that as an invitation, he open his hand and placed his entire palm along the side of her face, thumb sweeping across her cheekbone. “Will you tell me where you went?” He whispered. Adie opened her eyes and he realized her bottom lip was quivering. She rolled to her side, but was still facing him. He could tell she had gathered the blanket and brought it up to her chin as high as it would go. Gray started to stroke her mousy brown hair and his heart began to ache at the silence. He didn’t know what was going on with his emotions towards this woman. Even with their history, he wasn’t sure he could take another secret but he also didn’t want to push her. He wanted to respect her boundaries and allow her to talk to him as she needed to. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he said as he pulled his hand back, crossed his arms and placed his chin on the edge of the mattress. “But if and when you’re ready, I’ll be here to listen.” Adie wiggled on the bed until a hand was free and rested it on his arm. Her hand was a cool weight on his skin. He tensed and his hand fisted in the fabric. Meeting his gaze, Adie let out a long breath. “I want to tell you, but I need you to just listen and not try to fix me.” Gray sat up at that and blurted, “I won’t try to fix you.” “Everyone tries to fix me once they know the truth,” she said and he could her deflate even further. Gray relaxed and realized she was offering up a small kernel of herself that no one had ever accepted before. “You don’t need fixed as there is nothing wrong with you,” he said and placed his hand on top of hers. Adie pulled herself into a sitting position and leaned against the wall. The thin blanket pooled in her lap, revealing her white undershirt with thin straps. Her shoulders hunched, but never moved her hand from under his. She looked towards the wall and took a deep inhale. She began speaking. “I have a curse of the mind.” Gray stiffened. A curse of the mind? He’d heard of people who were plagued by different forms that affected their mental state. He listened to her as she continued. “I’ve had the melancholy variant for the last ten years. It comes and it goes, and I haven’t had an episode this bad in a very long time. The last time was actually after I left you six years ago,” her eyes seemed distant and Gray was worried she’d burrow into the bed again. “It actually runs in my lineage. My great grandmother took her own life when my grandmother was a child. Usually when it hits me, it is for a short period of time and I am back to normal rather quickly. Other times, I have to make a conscious decision to keep moving forward in the day. On more rare occasions, I succumb to its draw and I’m usually bedridden for the gods know how long. “Imagine all of the sadness you’ve ever felt in your lifetime sitting in your chest all at once. Some days I wish I could die and others, I wish I could just disappear. If I voiced the thoughts that sometimes flit through my mind…” She trailed off as she shook her head. Gray had tightened his fingers around her hand and hadn’t even realized it. He stared at her beautiful face for probably a moment longer than he should have before clearing his throat and asked, “Is there a cure? Or some sort of enchantment out there to help?” “Imagine a fuse being lit, a really long fuse but you aren’t quite sure when it’s going to entirely detonate. The thoughts are always there, but they gradually get stronger and darker but you never know when it’s going to hit. It’s extremely exhausting. I sometimes see a mind healer who casts a small spell to keep the thoughts at bay, but it doesn’t work every time and can sometimes affect my own magic. Think of it as…a negative reaction. Other than that, it’s sheer willpower for me to keep going.” Adie turned towards Gray, tears welling in her eyes and her voice quivered as she said, “It is the worst feeling in the universe to feel this way, to feel as if there is no happiness left in your soul. When it feels like there is nothing worth living for or that everyone would be happier if you left, yourself included. Thinking there might be a better life out there for you if you turned your back on everything. There is nothing that feels as low as that.” Gray’s chest tightened at seeing the tears run down her face and his curiosity got the best of him and he asked, “How did you come back this time?” She tipped her head to the side and gave him a small smile, “Do you really want to know the answer to that? You might not know what to do with it,” He smiled back at her and said, “Try me.” Adie’s smile faded and her eyes became golden moons as she realized he called her bluff. He saw her determination set in, eyes now burning and leaned forward before whispering, “It was you, Gray. You were the one who pulled me back.” Gray was shocked, but something in him was set ablaze and he pounced before he could stop himself. Jumping onto the bed, he wrapped his arms around her. He felt her stiffen for a moment, but then she seemed to melt. Her usually strong arms wrapped around his middle and she nuzzled her face into his neck. Gray felt as if he was shaking when he realized it was actually Adie sobbing. Full-on chest sobs racked her body and she gripped the back of his shirt with both hands. He tightened his arms just a little bit more around her, leaned his head down towards hers and quietly said, “Thank for telling me. I will keep it close to my heart. Whatever you need from me, just tell me. Just promise that you’ll come back to me somehow.” Adie’s sobs subsided and she sniffled as she pulled back to look at him, whispering, “I’ll do my best.” She leaned forward into Gray once more, but her grip on his clothing had lightened. He began to stroke her hair and they sat on the simple matter until the sun set.
Adie stormed into their tiny room at the inn. It was basically just a square room big enough for a bed they were taking turns sleeping in, a small three drawer dresser, and an even smaller bathroom that housed an old whiskey barrel to bathe and a hole in the ground for…attending to ones needs.
Gray stumbled in after her and closed the door, sliding the bolt at the top in place to keep prying eyes out. He turned around and leaned against the door, the back of his head hitting the wood.
“I didn’t think about that.”
“You don’t think about anything,” she snipped.
Adie was unfastening buckle after buckle to remove her harness that held her firesteel daggers. She began making her way to that hovel of a bathroom to pump cold water into the barrel so she could cool off.
She was seething. She could barely see in front of her with the red creeping into her vision. Gray was no longer in her good graces and she was going to make him aware of it.
Lifting the curved handle to allow the water to flow, she glanced back to see Gray cross the room and put his hands on the top of the doorframe. Either he was to damn tall or the ceilings in this shithole were to low.
To low considering she was the same height as he.
“I didn’t think it would be a big deal to you. You’re already quick on your feet, I just made you go faster.”
Adie stopped pumping the water and fully turned around to face him. Widening her stance, she crossed her arms and glared directly into his stupidly perfect face.
“It has nothing to do with you using your marionette magic on me. It has everything to do with the fact that you didn’t even ask!” She was yelling at him and she didn’t care if the tenants below heard her.
Gray’s eyes widened and he dropped his hands from the frame and shoved them into his pockets. He opened and closed his mouth like he was going to say something.
Adie was tired of holding this facade in place. She was tired of pretending to be strong. Relaxing her stance, she slid to the floor with her back against the makeshift tub.
“You’re supposed to be training me. Training me to get stronger with my illusions and with my fighting. I can’t improve if you give me a power up.”
She was so tired, but she knew she couldn’t give up. Pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her knees, tears began pooling in her eyes. She put her forehead on her knees and let the droplets fall into her lap. She felt Gray sit down next to her, shoulder to shoulder.
“I am sorry, Adie,” he started. “I honestly hadn’t thought of a power up being a hindrance. Usually people that I work with beg me to use it on them for that exact power up.”
All of a sudden, Adie felt the urge to tell Gray everything. Everything from her past. All of her buried secrets. Instead she settled with, “I have to keep going, Gray. I have things I have to finish, but I cannot keep going with people I can’t trust.”
She felt him shift and then a heavy arm was draped across her shoulder blades and a hand was on her head. “I know there are things you haven’t told me and I am not asking you too. I will never ask you to tell me what you don’t want to.” His hand started twirling her dirty brown locks around his fingers and he added, “But, you can always tell me anything if you ever give me the privelage to listen. You can trust me.”
Adie lifted her head up and was shocked to see Gray with a faint smile on his face. His dimple still hiding, but complete trust and vulnerability shown in his eyes.
“I promise to never use my magic on you again,” he vowed as he brought his other hand up to cup her face and wipe away a tear that had escaped.
“Unless I say so,” Adie said, lowering her gaze to the floor and gave him a sheepish smile.
Gray pulled the hand on her face away and let out a laugh that had Adie snapping her attention back up as she felt something in her chest flutter and swell. She stared at his free and open smile, drinking in his sounds of laughter.
He composed himself and said “Alright, only when you say so.” Gray’s hand was still toiling around in her hair. It was extremely distracting and Adie could feel her entire body temperature rising with the idle movements.
Gray leaned forward slightly, ice blue eyes meeting hers as he said in a low voice, “But I am curious about what positions we will be in when you ask me.”
Adie’s eyes went wide and it was the emphasis on the word positions that had her feeling hotter than she already was with his damn hand in her hair. She had to be emanating heat. Gray had to feel it coming off of her in waves. She knew she needed to end this little dance or she would burn.
But two can play this game, she thought.
Adie shifted onto her hip and leaned in closer, their faces only inches apart now. She felt more than saw Gray stiffen and his eyes go wide as she put her hand in the collar of his shirt and trailed her finger slowly down the fabric.
He was all talk and she knew it. He knew it too but would never admit it.
“Oh sweetie,” she said in a saccharine voice. “You should know by now that I won’t ever be putting myself in a position where that would be an option.”
She tapped his nose and left.
We continued to walk through the stalls of the market. The smells of food wares and sounds of kitchen utensils filled the air. There were fabric vendors with brightly colored skeins varying from silk to wool. An ale cart was parked at a corner where the market turned onto a different path.
My mouth watered at the thought of enjoying a cool cup of bubbly ale as I stared at the barrel.
“Let’s grab a drink while we walk,” Grey said. I jerked my head to look at him and caught him smiling at me. “I remember how much you like the dark beers.”
“You just remember how I behave when I drink the dark beer,” I said and chuckled while a memory of him hauling my drunk ass out of the bar and down the road to the quiet inn we had rented a room at. “But I’ll take you up on that offer.”
Grey winked at me and said, “Wait here, I will go get them.”
I leaned against the wall and watched him walk to the vendor. His clothes hugging his lean body and the twin daggers at his lower back glinting in the sun.
Grey turned back around, two mugs in hand, and I realized with a start that I had been staring. I quickly shifted my eyes to the ground and deliberantly didn’t look up until Grey put the ale in front of my face. I smiled down at the dark frothy beverage before wrapping my hands around the cup and taking it from Grey.
Looking up at him, I held my ale up in a salute and said “To us two fools for braving this place in the middle of a job.”
Grey beamed a brilliant smile at me, the dimple catching in his cheek as he tilted his head down while lifting his hand.
We each took a swig of the ale and the bubbly taste immediately elevated my mood. “This is just what I needed. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had a good beer?” Grey chuckled, “I don’t know about you, but it was the week before you showed back up for me.” I met his eyes at the implication before saying, “Let’s keep going.” I brushed past him and ignored the confused look in his blue eyes. Taking another long swig of the ale, I continued through the market never forgetting that Grey quietly trailed me. I noticed a lone vendor cart off to the side away from everyone else. The cart wasn’t even a cart, but more of a large chest opened vertically to reveal several small shelves covered in a velvety fabric. Next to the cart was an old woman sitting on a small wooden stool, her hands busy with something I couldn’t see yet. Something pulled at my gut to see what was in the chest. I downed the rest of my ale, wincing at the bitter yet wonderful taste and turned around to see Grey stopped at a food vendor of sorts. I made my way over to the lady and watched with fascination as I realized what type of wares this woman was peddling. She had a piece of fabric wrapping around her head and tied off at the top and wore plain clothes that hid her figure. She was wrapping a piece of very small metal around a blue stone, a long piece of leather lay draped across her leg. The chest was filled with similar creations. Stones and crystals of vibrant hues to darker tones that reflected light. Some were wrapped with that metal to create charms while others were in their raw form, jagged and opaque. I was looking at a small pearlescent stone that lay by itself on a velvet shelf when the woman said, “You’re a long way from home.” Whipping my head around to the woman, I caught her staring up at me. She wasn’t as old as she seemed by the lack of deep wrinkles on her face. She had lines around her mouth and crow’s feet by her eyes, but the hair escaping from the wrap was still the color of vibrant orange with hints of red. A few glints of silver shone through the color. I narrowed my eyes at her and said, “And how do you know where my home is?” The woman gave a small smile and pointed to her hair, “I know what color this hair becomes when one tries to cover it up.” Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. “Don’t worry, I won’t give you away. You should get that re-treated though.” I pulled the hood of my jacket up to cover most of my hair and pointed to the small stone. “Where did you find this and how much for it?” She leaned forwards to see what I pointed to and gave a soft smile. “The opal comes from the Isle of Heart to the south. I have only ever managed to have three to sell. This is the last. It is said that they bring balance and harmony to one’s soul.” The beginnings of a childhood memory started to resurface. A small opal stone with a piece of fabric threaded to a hoop hung from a woman’s neck…but the memory flitted away after that. “I can feel the turmoil and unrest in your soul. For you, twenty marks,” she said. “Twenty marks? That’s it?” She really didn’t know what she was in possession of. “Deal,” I said as I reached into my pocket for the coins. “I definitely got the better bargain though.” “Don’t I know,” she said. “But something in the Divine is telling me you need it more than I need the sale.” I stared at the woman before replying, “You shouldn’t put your faith in the Divine. They tend to be selfish and lead you astray.”
I had to do it.
I didn’t have a choice.
He couldn’t know what I was hiding from him.
They would hunt him down and take what information they could from him and leave the scraps for me to find.
Grey continued to look at me with those icey blue eyes as round as the moon. “I don’t…Adie, I don’t understand,” he whispered. “I know we said to not get attached, but…”
My heart was cracking and I was about to split in half.
I closed my eyes and pulled the mask that I had become so accustommed to burying around him back into place before stopping him and said, “Stop before you make yourself a fool. You and I both know that in our line of work what weaknesses can do. Don’t make me one for you,” I could see him stumble backwards and took the opportunity to dig the knife in just a little deeper. “It would be your fault if you got killed, but I wouldn’t let it stain my conscience.”
I turned to leave before I fell apart when he grabbed my hand, faster than most with the help of his magic and said, “You don’t mean any of this. I have seen the look in your eyes and felt it on your skin.” He turned me around to face him, eyes flicking back and forth. I could smell the mint tea from earlier on his breath still as I glanced down to his full lips and remembered how they always felt pressed to mine.
“You are saying these things now but one day, you’ll realize I am your weakness too,” he let go of my arm and took a step back. “And because of that, I can let you go too. If you aren’t willing to fight for me, I won’t fight for you anymore either. But when you realize that we are meant to be together, I will be there when you find me. In this life or the next, this world or a different realm entirely, find me or I’ll find you.”
I looked out the window to the open sky where the full moon shone among the stars. Why did he have to say such sweet words? Sweet words that were lodging needles in my chest.
One deep breath and my mask was more fortified than it was. “Poetic, Grey, but you and are not destined for anything other than ruin and death. We won’t see each other in another life or realm because there is nothing waiting for us on the other side of the Veil.”
Straightening my back and squaring up to him once more, I allowed myself one last look at him. His tousled black hair that always curled when he sweat or when there was moisture in the air. His striking blue eyes that squinted when he smiled wide or laughed and the dimple that appeared in his cheek. The strong boad nose that he would graze down my neck and collarbone before placing a soft kiss there with that perfect bow shaped mouth.
That was enough. No more gazing. I tucked the image of him away in my mind and made a vow to only pull the thought out when I would feel particularly pitiful.
Reaching to fasten my jacket, I grazed my hand along the dagger in the pocket stitched to the inside to make sure it was still there. It was the only one that mattered now.
“Goodbye, Grey,” I said and walked out the door of the apartment.
——————
After leaving the apartment building, I wandered down the street keeping myself together the best I could. Everything in me was revolting against what I had said to Grey and every part of my body screamed to run back to him, but I knew that could never happen. I would let myself fall apart into a million tiny pieces if it meant he was safe and had a chance at life.
Things were never supposed to become that intertwined. We had agreed to only give ourselves to each other physically. Agreed to fuck. We had been each others firsts and we had wanted to be the ones to pick who that was with and not be told we had to seduce and then assassinate. So we had picked each other.
We had trained together for years and generally worked well together when he wasn’t being an arrogant pain in my ass.
I stepped off the road and into a barren alley that had empty crates and a lone cat in the corner. I leaned forward against the stone with my forearms, letting my head fall and let the wave of emotions run over me.
I let the mask crumble away and allowed every feeling to rise to the surface as I felt every tear fall and every sob escape my throat.
Every time I chose to feel my emotions after donning the mask, everything hit me tenfold. Frustration turned to anger, annoyance turned to hatred, sadness turned to anguish. It became difficult to sift through the hysterics and reality but I had learned to harden myself and breathe.
Closing my eyes, I took deep breaths and felt my heart rate slow as the tears slowed and just welled in my eyes. I stood up and looked to the night sky and sent a prayer to the Divine to keep my heart safe since it no longer belonged to me and I would never get it back.
If I pulled all this off, Grey would never know that my heart would always be his.
I wiped my eyes, pulled my sleeves down and stepped out of the alley onto the main street. Moving foward, I thought back to Grey’s words and secretly hoped for that next life in another realm where we could just be Grey and Adie.
