Today was the day I left her, my whole world has been turned upside down. I thought I would be ok with this whole process but I have never felt anything like this pain. I knew it would be difficult but I didn’t think I would want her back. I am sitting here in my car thinking how could I do that to her? Just walk out of her life forever? The Johnsons have been so patient and nice with me. They paid all the medical bills and even paid for grocery delivery during the later months. I sit here thinking what have I done? Did I make the right decision? Not for myself but for her? I remember the name they chose; Amanda. I wouldn’t have chosen that name for her myself but I guess it was never my choice. I agreed to the process, knowing where this road would end. I never even thought of myself as a mother but those kicks and punches warmed my heart. My mother wasn’t around, and I tuned out ok, I think? Maybe I didn’t turn out well, after all look what I’m doing. Maybe I don’t love her? Could it be my hormones still going loopy? When I looked into her beautiful blue eyes I knew I could never be the same. She is perfection but she is no longer mine. I think about the Johnsons and how well she will be taken care of. They can give her more than I ever can but it still hurts. Amanda is their child now, not mine. Amanda I am sorry to leave you but it is for your own good. I start my car and wipe away the tears. Goodbye Amanda, I love you.