Writing in you everyday Ideas flowing every way I find comfort in your pages Feelings coming out of cages
Notebook all mine to write in No one else’s opinion Filling pages up with secrets I know I will have no regrets
You help me beyond belief Offering me so much needed relief I am grateful for the space Where I can leave my heart in its place
You changed my world with a look You saw my face through the crowds As soon as we met you had me on the hook And I shouted it from rooftops, I felt so proud
You loved me so fiercely that I burned Now you’ll only be left with ashes There was some you missed, a yearn You saw us only with rose-colored classes
You missed the most important part You weren’t looking at me truly It all happened from the start You thought my emotions were unruly
You never tried to be my rock You couldn’t see how hard it was To try and be perfect, it was a shock And now I know you were the cause
You made me feel invalid and fragile But now I chose myself I now know I can be agile I will no longer put my heart on a shelf
I will never be perfect like you I have to love this person that I am Now for certain we are through And I am no longer that shy little lamb
Adventures await beyond the grass Beyond the safety of the shire A power is growing over the land And it’s the little ones that have the courage
They begin their trek in bare feet Mustering courage as they walk Accompanied by others of magical powers And those of incredible skills
The key is not so easy to bear It possesses its master obsessively The key is a circle of gold that never ends And brings all bad along with it
The adventure unfolds many mystical creatures From good and evil comes war Strength is shown not only physically But through the modesty in hobbits hearts
For only can they bear the weight of the ring Only they can resist that evil Life is never going to be the same After the adventures end
Loose Lord of the Rings inspiration
As I sit here and stare My mind begins to wonder I start to think of things everywhere I can’t even hear the thunder
My mind is blocking out the noise And is now allowed to unfold No distracting shiny toys That keep my mind in a mold
I sit in silence and compare How peaceful this moment feels No distractions to make me care It’s so soothing that it heals
I start to feel beyond just me About everything else in the world I realize this was the key My mind is now unfurled
I sit here to think, feel and listen To connect to the inside I feel it finally glisten And i feel like my soul is supplied
What a day it is today It’s practically perfect in every way I wake up feeling bright and cheery Despite the weather being so dreary
I stretch out my body tight from the night I get mentally ready to enter the daily fight I go over to start the coffee pot I like to sip it while nice and hot
There is no sound other than laughter There is a peace that’s been heavily sought after I then play my favorite tune And will probably leave it on til noon
I cook breakfast just the way I like Gives me energy to conquer the hike I put on my coat and look outside I am ready to take on my day in stride
Oh comfy sweatpants How I truly love thee With fleece inner lining And colors of a variety
I love the way you shelter me And how you make my legs feel The roaring winds outside Is nothing that you can’t heal
I wear you at home Day or night I wear you outside With my face full of glee
Oh you make me happy In the winters cold The comfort you provide me Makes me feel so bold
“Oh my goodness not again, you aren’t trying to leave the house again are you?”
“Shut up,” I tell my anxious self, “I have to leave the house to get groceries!”
“No you don’t, you can just order delivery. You know you love that Instacart! So easy, you can stay in bed while grocery shopping!”
“No! I can’t keep doing that! I need to go out, feel the sunshine, talk to people, walk around. You know like a normal person.” I grumble.
“But why? Your bed is so comfy, your house is bright enough with lights on. Outside is scary and people are mean. You don’t want to deal with the crazies do you?”
“Oh come on nothing will happen to me! I use to go out all the time remember? We had some fun back in the old days! Clubs, subways, grocery stores, random walks in the park, and constantly socializing, you remember that don’t you?”
“That was so long ago tho, it’s different now. You don’t want to talk to anyone, what for? It’s not like you’re going to hang out with them anyways. Plus, being alone at home is so comforting, better than the old days right?”
I think hard for a minute, then respond, “ you are absolutely wrong, I miss the old me. I miss the me when you weren’t around.”
I shut my mind down and walk out the door. Hello world, I’m back!
I jolt awake, my heart beating fast. It feels like a million beats per minute. The room is completely dark and silent. The stillness doesn’t creep me out but there’s something else that does, I don’t know what it is. I look over at Jerry. He is sound asleep, exhausted from his work week. It’s been a rough one for him and he’s been passing out early every night. His temper can get to him when he’s stressed, which happened a few days earlier. We had a huge fight and it ended pretty badly, he took his aggression out on me again. I know he didn’t mean to push me against the wall but he did and it nearly knocked my head off. I look over at the clock, it reads 3 a.m. No wonder it’s still pitch black outside. I hate the cold weather and this winter has been especially freezing. I’m unsure what jolted me awake but it’s so unusual because I’m usually a late sleeper. I didn’t get to bed until 1 am yet I feel wide awake right now. I swing my feet over the edge of the bed and gently get out. I hold me breath and try not to make a sound. Jerry grumbles a bit but turns around sound asleep again. I walk over to the bathroom closing the door before I turn on the light. I look at my face in the mirror and see the years I’ve lived gently etched all over it. Maybe that’s what woke me up, old age telling me I’ve slept my youth away. I see the bruise is finally lightening up, thank goodness my hairline covers most of it. I turn off the light as I open the door and walk myself to the kitchen. I’ve always loved the window that cuts across the majority of my kitchen. When the kids were young I used to love watching them as I made snacks in the kitchen. Watching them play outside while making cookies is one of the memories I will always hold dear near to my heart. As I approach the fridge I can’t help but to see flash from the outside. I stop what I’m doing immediately and just stare out my kitchen window. There it is again the flash. I wonder what it is. I don’t feel scared, more like intrigued. We live out in the middle of nowhere I don’t understand what it could be. Should I go outside? Something inside is telling me yes. I turn towards the patio door, open it and walk through it. The wind surrounds me yet I feel no cold. All of a sudden the one flash turns into many, all flashing at different times, all in my direction. As I walk closer to the woods it seems like the flashes get closer to me. As they approach, I begin to see outlines in the dark. It seems like there’s figures moving from the trees towards me. The flashes of light stop and there’s a row of people in front of me, men, women, children, and elderly people. They just stand there staring at me, all uniquely dressed, all so different from each other. There’s a woman dressed for church standing next to a man in a firefighter’s uniform. There’s a child, dirty from playing in the woods it would seem, next to an old lady who looks like she’s from the 1940s. There are so many of them standing there in front of me and I realize the flashes of light were coming directly from them, these people. I slowly began walking even closer towards them. Then I see him, it’s my dad. I don’t understand yet I feel my legs taking me to him. “Hi Claire Bear,” he says in a voice that sounds like heaven. “What is this dad? What is going on?” He kisses my forehead the way he used to when I was young and whispers, “ Are you sure you’re ready today?” “Ready for what papa bear?” I start to feel a warmth taking over my chest and spreading to the rest of my body. “Ready to accept the truth hun?” I look into his eyes, they make me feel so safe. “We have been coming here every morning since it happened. We have been waiting for you patiently. Waiting until you were ready to accept what happened.” I think about it and realize what he is talking about. Jerry pushed me that day, so hard I hit my head against the wall. I remember the pain and feeing warm blood dripping down the side of my face. Then I passed out. I don’t remember what happened after. I only remembered waking up now, today at 3a.m. I guess I hadn’t noticed time pass, I guess I didn’t realize the truth. “Am I dead?,” I ask as I take his hand. “Yes, and it’s time to go Claire Bear,” dad says as he walks me forward. We walk amongst the others, turning our backs on my house. Soon we walk into the woods and my own light begins to shine. I can now rest and be in peace, no longer afraid. I can accept my new life in death.
Today was the day I left her, my whole world has been turned upside down. I thought I would be ok with this whole process but I have never felt anything like this pain. I knew it would be difficult but I didn’t think I would want her back. I am sitting here in my car thinking how could I do that to her? Just walk out of her life forever? The Johnsons have been so patient and nice with me. They paid all the medical bills and even paid for grocery delivery during the later months. I sit here thinking what have I done? Did I make the right decision? Not for myself but for her? I remember the name they chose; Amanda. I wouldn’t have chosen that name for her myself but I guess it was never my choice. I agreed to the process, knowing where this road would end. I never even thought of myself as a mother but those kicks and punches warmed my heart. My mother wasn’t around, and I tuned out ok, I think? Maybe I didn’t turn out well, after all look what I’m doing. Maybe I don’t love her? Could it be my hormones still going loopy? When I looked into her beautiful blue eyes I knew I could never be the same. She is perfection but she is no longer mine. I think about the Johnsons and how well she will be taken care of. They can give her more than I ever can but it still hurts. Amanda is their child now, not mine. Amanda I am sorry to leave you but it is for your own good. I start my car and wipe away the tears. Goodbye Amanda, I love you.
